Fitness and Health during treatments by David Haas

Fitness and Health during treatments

Cancer patients must undergo various treatments and surgeries. During these times, many of them may feel discouraged from doing any physical activity or participating in any programs. However, it is during these times that being physically active is the most important thing that a cancer patient can do for himself.

After being diagnosed with cancer, it is very easy for the patient to feel like he has lost control of his life. Suddenly everything he knows is challenged; life itself seems vastly different than just a few days prior to being diagnosed. This feeling of losing control can severely affect a cancer patient's mindset, especially a patient with a rare or aggressive cancer, such as mesothelioma.

While fitness benefits cancer patients in any stage, such as diagnoses and remission, it mostly benefits patients who are currently undergoing treatment. Fitness won't cure the cancer, but it can greatly aid the body. Radiation treatment and surgery can hurt healthy tissues and cells while killing the cancer cells. This forces the body to work overtime to repair itself. As a result, the patient may feel extremely fatigued, nauseous and tired at the same time. However, fitness can help combat these side effects, greatly improving the patient's health quality and well-being.

There are other ways that fitness helps cancer patients, as well. Exercise keeps the body's functions working properly, not allowing them to become weak. Such systems include the respiratory, circulatory and immune system. Additionally, exercises purge harmful toxins from the body. Detoxification is essential for feeling healthy and having more energy.

Cancer clinics understand just how important fitness is to cancer patients. Therefore, they have incorporated various fitness programs into their overall therapy program. They also understand that different cancer patients will require different exercise routines. Many cancer clinics employ personal trainers who also understand cancer patients' specific needs.

This article also lists some important reasons why fitness is important for cancer patients. Never allow cancer to bring you down. There are ways to help yourself.

By: David Haas

next chemo earlier than expected

I'm finally starting to feel better. Unfortunately I have stacked up my planner like there is no tomorrow. Now I'm running on reserve battery. I have to take it easy. I really feel the need to relax, take baths, use a hot tub, listen to relaxing music and just to recover. I never had that feeling before, I always kept myself busy. My next chemo treatment is wednesday. Two days early, usually I run 2 or 3 days late.
I'm not ready yet.
I was reading a book today that my friend gave me. It's called "heaven is for real"
I don't know if you have read it or heard about it. It's about a 4 year old boy who had emergency surgery and months later his parents found out that he was talking about Jesus and his angels in heaven. He was telling them that he left his body and went to heaven. I thought the book was kind of boring and I kept skipping to the parts where he was talking about heaven. Didn't sound very believable to me but then something caught my attention. In the middle of the book there were some pictures of the little boy and his family and a drawing of Jesus. The drawing is called "Prince of Peace"  by Akiane Kramarik
I was shocked when I saw it.
I don't know if you remember my post from when I had a dream about god. This is what I wrote 8/10/11:

 I was always very religious, that's how I have been raised but didn't have a good relationship with god. Now I feel closer to him than ever. Don't ask me why. I can feel him right next to me all the time. Last night I was even dreaming of him. I know this might sound totally insane but it's true. He had dark hair and a dark beard. I couldn't believe that I was able to see him. I always imagined an old man with grey hair and a grey beard. But he looked so strong and powerful. I was kind of scared of him but my heart was so warm because I felt the love for him. He was not smiling and he was worried about something. And he said, don't worry child. I didn't want to go back because I knew I was safe with him, but he sent me back. I woke up and saw my daughter.

So I was obviously talking about god. You have to know I'm from a catholic background. God, Jesus and the holy spirit are one person.
The picture of Jesus by Akiane Kramarik was the same as god looked like in my dream.

This is the picture. I have never seen it before. It looks scary but comforting at the same time.
I was thinking for days about that dream. There was something I was trying to remember about him but I just didn't know what it was. Something was sticking out that I tried to lock into my memory forever.
It was his eyes. He had eyes I have never seen on a human before. The little boy in the book decried his eyes too. He said to his dad "you should have seen his eyes"
A friend told me today nothing is a coincidence.
I saw Jesus in my dream. I was worried one day I will forget his face. Now I have a picture of him.
This is how I believed Jesus looked like all my life:

When I look at the first picture it gives me peace.

what a mess!

It's friday night 2am and I can't sleep.
Most of my friends are coming home from the club or a party right about now. Some probably went to a movie or another even. Or were just hanging out somewhere. I wonder how many are going to Denny's or iHop. That's where I should be too.
But I'm laying in bed trying to get some sleep for about 2 hours now so I can go to church to praise the lord and thank him for all the miracles he has given me.
The reason I can't sleep is because I'm having horrible bone pain. It feels like my bones are about to shatter into a million pieces. Do you know that feeling you get in your back when you need to stretch  until you hear a popping sound and then you feel better. Well that's how I feel with every single bone in my body only without being able to pop it or get any kind of relief. My hip and my knees hurt the most.
My head has been hurting for about two days straight now. It's that kind of headache where you can feel the pain down under your eyes and your cheekbones. Way beyond migraine. Pain medicine doesn't make it any better.
Then there is my throat. I have blisters, sores and ulcers in my mouth, on the walls, my tongue and all the way down my throat. Imaging drinking a cup of boiled water mixed with some bleach. I wonder if it goes all the way into my stomach?
It makes it hard to breathe.
Chloe is with her grandparents tonight and I was hoping for a good night sleep. That did not work out, I should have known.
All I can think about is my next chemo and what it will do to me. Have you ever jumped out of an airplane? I know some people do it for fun but I would never do that. But it feels like somebody is pushing my to jump out of that plane. I'm afraid I won't recover before the next treatment and it will totally blow me away. What if I have to be hospitalized or won't be able to get out of bed?
I have to be strong...somehow. I'm doing everything to help my immune system to recover. No stress, vitamins, healthy foods, protein, tea, honey, lots of water and well, trying to get enough sleep. I feel like my times is running. Only 14 more days, I just have to get better.
I'm paranoid about germs now. I never thought I would get that way. I paranoid about what I eat or drink or which places I go to. I just can't take any chances.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel right now but I know eventually there will be.
I hope this doesn't look like I'm trying to get pity, I just want everyone to know how cancer feels like.
I wish everything could be like it used to be. I had a good life and I always appreciated it. I never complained that my car wasn't good enough, that I didn't have enough money, that what I had wasn't good enough, so I know for sure this is not a lesson for me. I still saw the beauty in people, appreciate the nature and cherished what I had. I'm not being punished. A cancer survivor called me this week and said something so interesting and simple. She said god didn't give us cancer for a reason and neither did the devil. It's just an imbalance of the environment we created that randomly broke out in our body. Could have been anyone else. Could have been YOU. But what we make out of it is a different thing because we have control over that.
The only thing I always wonder about is why chemotherapy is so hard on my body? I met women that were twice my age who had almost no symptoms and were able to work and take care of three kids??
I was healthy all my life, never had any health problems and I need people to go to the store for me like I'm 85 years old.
All the breast cancer survivors tell me it will get better, trust me so I trust them.
Now I have heartburn again. Must be from the pain medication I just took. Great.
I took a hydrocodone because I really need to get some sleep tonight. Can't wait to fall asleep to see how I will die in my dream tonight.
My neighbors are so rude. They have techno music blasting at 2.30 am. That doesn't make it any easier!

It hit me hard this time!

It's been a week since my last chemo. I'm still recovering. I just realized how easy I had it the first two times and I thought it was so hard.
I'm having bad stomach problems now. I remember when a friend called me after my first or second chemo and asked if she could bring some ginger ale and crackers. I was laughing so hard. I told her to bring me some shrimp hibachi. And this is where I'm now, eating soup and drinking ginger ale. Starving.
I've lost 5 pounds in that one week. Every time I eat or drink something my stomach cramps up like I'm having contractions. It did that every 20 min the first 4 days. It's getting better now, maybe my stomach is getting used to the small meals. Nausea medication makes it worse. It gives me heartburn...
So I'm trying things like plain yoghurt, ginger root, camomile tea and honey. That's all I can do.
My throat was hurting a couple of days ago and it looked like strep throat but today I found out I have mouth sores and ulcers. My entire mouth is covered with it. It makes eating and drinking even more painful but even swallowing and breathing is hard now. My doctor gave me a recipe for a mouth wash, made out of water, salt and baking soda.
I was hoping I was going to be better by today so I can start planing for our breast cancer walk on the 15th but it seems to get worse from day to day. My fingertips are almost numb and so are my toes. I'm having a hard time using a can opener and washing my hands is painful.
My vision has blurred and I think it's time to get out my glasses that I have not worn ummmm...ever.
When I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself anymore. I lost all my color and shine. I look dead.
Before I would spend hours in front of the mirror looking my best, now I spend hours looking normal.
Applying bronzer and blush to my cheeks to get some color. Putting lipstick on my purple lips. My eye color is still light blue and has not changed back. That does not help my ghost like appearance.
My skin is dry and cracked. I'm waiting for my finger nails to fall off. I always thought that would never happen to me but I said the same thing about the mouth sores. I mean what was I thinking? I'm doing the most aggressive chemo there is. I was just reading about the possible side effects. Blood cloths in the veins or lungs, heart failure, bleeding in the bladder, scarring of lung tissue, secondary cancer years after treatment and that's only a couple of things.
I'm scared to death. And this is just the beginning!
I just want to run away from it all, it's too much to handle. I'm too young to have cancer. My life was already a mess before I got sick, now imagine how it is now.
I sit at home most of the day. I'm scared to leave the house because I might get dizzy and faint. I'm scared to drive. I hate it. I was never a stay at home person. Chloe and I would run around at 9 in the morning already. It's making me depressed. I don't want to be around people because I'm scared I might catch a cold or even worse the flu. That would make me even more sick. I'm not allowed to get a flu shot.
Today I did a photo shoot with my friend. I was only able to function 30% I feel like I'm wasting my time.
I have trouble sleeping at night. I'm either having cramps or nightmares. Last night I was dreaming we got attacked by the Iraqis. I saw the planes coming and the missiles flying. I was in a building and a helicopter crashed into it and exploded. The building tumbled and I suffocated.
I also could have sworn a white light flew by my face while I was sleeping. I felt the wind of it in my face. I remember waking up and wondering if it was an angel. I know I was hallucinating again, it just seems so real every time.
All my plans I made before this chemo are on hold. I'm still putting up my photography website and doing photo shoots here and there but everything else just seems impossible. I'm very disappointed but I should have known better. I don't have much motivation to do anything either. I was very excited about breast cancer month but I'm already sick of it. I was planning on going to every single event to tell everyone my story to possible save some lives but now I just want someone to save my life. All I'm looking forward to is february. That's when I will have this horrible poison out of my body, hopefully without a heart or liver defect. I just want to skip all the holidays and move on. I wonder if christmas will ever be the same again.
This christmas will be the saddest of all. Not only am I sick but I'm without my mom and without my husband. At least I have Chloe.
I had an interview with a news channel the other day. I hated it. But I just had to do it for the awareness. When I first got diagnosed my plan was it to go on TV to reach as many young people as possible. I did that now and I won't ever go on Tv again.
Every day I look at myself and think- I'm too young to have cancer. It's not fair
But I have to go on somehow. I know my daughter needs her mom. Every day I look at her as a miracle, god would not take me away from her.

3 down

I'm having a very hard time typing this but I'm doing it for all my friends and family, cancer patients and survivors because I want you to know how I feel.
A friend of mine commented on one of my pictures on Fb today. It was a picture of me with long hair, before I got sick. I have not seen her for about a year. She wrote how long my hair has gotten... That was so weird. I wanted to write, that's not me anymore. I'm a different person now. But then I asked myself why I am different without the hair. It's not just the hair, everything is different now. I don't want to think about that right now...

I had chemo 4 days ago. I'm still sick. It's not the same sick though. I can't tell if it's worse or easier it just feels horrible. Only one thing was different this time. I did not have to take the strong pain meds like the first 2 times. I actually choose not to. It didn't make a difference other than that I saved myself from the side effects from the pain meds. I think that was very smart of me. People easily take medications for all kinds of discomfort. Sometimes you just need some Ginger Ale, honey or a hot tea. I'm so glad my mom raised me that way. Because this is how it would usually go: I feel nauseated, take medications for that-that gives me heartburn, so I take something for the heartburn-that gives me constipation, take something for that-gives me an upset stomach!!!
I learned that there is no help for me for about 5 days after chemo. I just have to feel miserable and no pill can fix it. But god wouldn't give me anything I can't handle.

The only thing I don't know how to handle are the nightmares. I found out that not only the narcotics give me nightmares but the chemo drugs itself too. Or it might be just a mental thing, I don't think I will ever find out.
Last night I was dreaming that I was on a roller coaster. My friend was there too. I was falling off and he was pulling me back. That went on for hours. I never liked roller coasters.

I'm having a hard time eating this time. The last 2 times I gained weight and was eating everything. This time a drink of water makes my stomach upset. I'm starting to get really hungry now because I was never a "diet kind of girl" I try really hard to drink enough water. The chemo makes the water taste horrible right now.

I can't wait to get better. I want to be able to take care of myself again. I feel like I have been sick for 3 months. Maybe 2 more days...

One ay before chemo/ round three

So it's the day before chemo I had to take steroids again...and as clumsy, (or what's the opposite of smart?) as I am I realized that I was not taking the right dose the first two times!!! It says take 2 pills 2 times per day...it just had to many 2's in one sentence. I really hope my doctors don't ever read my blog. So the lesson of the day is- call somebody for a second opinion when reading instruction for serious medication.
Anyway, so after finding out that I had to double the dose I was not happy with it. I had minor problems with it before. My face and my mouth gets very swollen from it and I called the doctor and he told me it was just water retention but what we both didn't know was that I was only taking half of what he prescribed. I will tell the chemotherapy nurse about it tomorrow morning just in case to see what she says. Let's just pray I don't choke in my sleep tonight. No that will not happen!!
Another reason why I don't like taking the steroids is because they make me SO hyper. I talk very fast, can't sleep and if I didn't have my daughter tonight I would be probably in the gym running 5 miles.
And the last thing that bothers me is that it increases the appetite...people that know me know I just lost 35 pounds through going to the gym almost every day for about 2 hours. Some of you might say, your life is more important and all you need to do is survive. And that's true and I don't want to complain around so much, all I want to say is that I was not very happy with myself with 35 more pounds. So all I can do now is watch what I eat and work out on those days I feel good. I'm writing this while I'm eating Disney Princesses fruit flavored snacks, naturally and artificially flavored...great.
So tomorrow is halftime. I have everything ready, my bedazzled cup that says "fight like a girl" my pink socks, my knitted hat, my prayer blanket, the get well cards for the other patients at the infusion center, my Disney Princesses artificially snacks, my neckless that says "when you have hope you have everything", my lotion to numb the skin where they stick the disgusting needle in my port and my good spirit.
Me and my girlfriend will rock the infusion center tomorrow! Well until they put the Benadryl  into my IV and I go to sleep. That's usually within the first two hours! LOL
Do you want me to tell you how I really feel?
I'm scared to death. People tell me now you are better prepared and know what to expect...no I'm not. Because I know what's coming it's not good. I do it because that's the only thing that will keep me alive.
I just want to cry thinking about it and hide behind my mama so she can save me from it. Like she saved me from everything else when I was little. But I can't, I have to face it on my own. I'm trying to describe chemotherapy over and over again and I just can't find the right words for it. Maybe by the end of my treatment I will be able to. Right now I would compare it to running into a sharp knife. It's the same pain.
For me it feels like dark clouds are coming my way to cover the sun, just like before the storm. I can feel the darkness creeping up and I feel something evil breathing in my ear. I don't know how many of you read Harry Potter. I always think of him before I go to chemo. He kind of described it the same way when he felt the death eaters coming his way.
I know it is good for me and I should look at it but I just can't help it. I think chemo just messes with your head. It does kill the cancer cells but I'm sure it does something to your spirit that they have not discovered yet and maybe never will because there is no scientifically proof for things like that.
And I'm not only talking about the side effects that effect me physically, I'm talking about the things that effect my mentally. And at first I thought maybe I'm just scared but I talked to other cancer patients and survivors and they described the same thing to me.
Being so close to death is just to overwhelming. Just to be confronted with it is just something I was not ready for with my age. And I shouldn't be. God gave me this because he knew I could handle it. And I handled it pretty well so far I think. But it is the hardest thing I had to do in my life.
And I'm so happy to know that I can fall, because I know every single one of you who is reading this right now will be there to catch me!!! I want everyone to know that I'm alive because of every single one of you.
I need you to know one thing about me. I'm very private when it comes to my feelings, I'm not an affectionate person and I don't like people to see my weakness. That's how I have been raised by my mom to protect myself from people taking advantage of me. But because of you I learned to open up, ask for help and open my arms to god and most important to trust in friends, extended family, adopted family and the Lord. I will not give up because I have to live to give other cancer patients this message that there is hope, that you can survive with aggressive cancer and that you can't shut down or try to fight this horrible battle on your own.
Like I said before, I know god has a plan for me I have seen him in my dreams and every time I woke up and my daughter was standing in front of me saying "hey wook it's a mommy" so I know he wants me here to take care of her. I am beyond statistics, numbers, doctors. My mind has wandered into a better place, a place of peace because I know I can survive if my mind and my heart stay at that place.
Today as I was driving home with chloe she was saying something in the backseat and it sounded like a rhyme from a children's song she must have learned in preschool. I turned the radio down because I couldn't hear it. She said: "Mommy, I pray every day" that just made me cry! God is just giving me all those messages, he is right there working very hard.
Believe it or not but I know we all will be witnesses for a great miracle. All of you have a special place in my heart already but trust me you have a special place with him too. Because he sees everything. If you don't believe in god, believe in karma. One day you might be sick too (I hope not) or somebody close to you will be sick, trust me he won't forget!
When you read through my posts you will notice that I came a long way. I became a complete new person. And I'm so proud of that. I finally found myself and found out what I want in life. I realized that I was going into a wrong direction. I finally noticed how mature I am for my age and that I never took advantage of that. I was selling myself for less!
I am far from perfect and need to learn so so many things but I can say that in that time since I have been diagnosed I have gained so much wisdom like a person would in probably 5 years. And I'm thankful for that.
Now I wrote this super long post and this will be probably the last for about a week, as you know after my chemo my brain just won't function like I want it to...unfortunately :(
Don't be mad at me if I just post pictures!!
I wish everybody a great weekend, a good start into the breast cancer awareness month, a happy first of October and if your day goes bad always remember that there is somebody out there who has it worse.

If you want to sign up for the breast cancer walk on the 15th here is the link again. Just remember it's a charity event from the american cancer society and if they ask you for a donation, that money goes to their charity and not to me. If you want to donate money to me, there is a tab at the top of this page that will direct you to my donation page. I'm not trying to say not to donate to them, I'm just saying that because a couple of people donated to them but meant to donate to me.
When you sign up search for team "miles for Dani" and join our team. They will ask for your credit card information but you can just leave everything blank and click on continue. They try to raise as much money as possible and ask everyone for a donation.

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?sid=16393&type=fr_informational&pg=informational&fr_id=35986

just click on the highlighted link and it will take you to the registration page!
Hope to see you on the 15th!

Are you ready for breast cancer awareness month? I am!

God send me a couple of his angels to take care of me while I'm sick.

One of them is my new friend Michele,
not only is she collecting money for me with her little fundraiser at work to help me pay my bills
she also brings me so many presents it's almost like christmas every week.

Here are some pictures:

Thank you so much Michele and I know you have been sent by god. We didn't know each other before I was sick and you are taking care of me like I'm your daughter. That really means a lot to me and I will never forget what you did for me! Love you!

almost halfway through with chemo

I have been keeping myself very busy the last couple of weeks that I did not even realize that it's time for another round.
I have been taking pictures, meeting up with old friends, meeting up with new friends and got rid of the bad ones! I have been going to church a lot, the sunday service, bible study, dinners and yoga which is called Yo-god. The yoga is my favorite I think. So relaxing...
I've been taking good care of myself in the last two weeks. I'm avoiding any kind of stress and I'm taking time for myself. Before I never liked to be alone but one day I realized how relaxing it can be. I put Chloe to bed around 8.30 and I can do whatever I want for myself. I take baths, read a book, edit pictures, watch a movie or just go to sleep early.
I meet someone new almost every day. It's kind of hard to keep up with names and phone numbers.
I'm so glad that my passion for photography came back. I just love doing it and the results surprise me sometimes.
Chloe has been so wonderful lately. She is my little sunshine. She listens very well and gives me so much love. She is so much fun and makes me laugh all the time. She has a weird sense of humor and she can even be ironic sometimes. She likes to climb in my bed in the middle of the night to snuggle up to me. I don't like to encourage that habit but it just feels good to me right now. I always look forward to it at night. I can hear her little fingernails scratch the sheets while she tries to climb on my king size bed. Then I can feel her hot breath on my face while she squeezes herself close to me. And a couple minutes later I can hear her snore.
I was having lunch with a friend yesterday who has breast cancer and just finished her treatment. She had the exact same symptoms like me and felt the darkness during the chemo. I thought I was the only one!
I also went to a breast cancer support group meeting today. It was ok. They had a speaker tonight and she was talking about how we have to love ourselves and was telling us about colors we should wear, accessories and make up. She also made us a box for our happy thoughts. We are suppose to write notes about what makes us happy and read them every time we are down.
My first note was "my daughter makes me very happy"
I also saw my bosom buddy that I have not seen in a while.
I went to the gym today for the first time since probably 6 months. I was scared at first and halfway through my run I started having a pain around my heart area. Of course I started thinking I was having a heart attack but I went away when I slowed down. The chemo can cause damage to your heart and that's all I was thinking about. But I did good. I ran 2 miles and did some weights. But tonight I'm eating cookies!! I might get it right tomorrow!
I started my period today. Most of you probably think, so what? Before I had cancer I wished I would never be on my period but today it was like christmas. For some of you that don't know, my doctor told me I might not be able to have children after my treatment. So every period is a little hope for me. I always wanted to have 5 kids.
I think I'm really prepared for this round and hopefully I won't get sick at all!
Oh and by the way, I stopped believing in statistics I only believe in god now!

Relaxing night

I'm having a relaxing night today. Just me myself and I, my bath, a book and some relaxing music. 

It feels good to be alone sometimes. I'm learning more and more every day that being alone does not mean being lonely. 

As I was taking a bath, for the first time since I have been diagnosed, I realized how big my tumor is. 

Every time I take a shower I try not to touch it and try to ignore it. But tonight I kinda had to face it.

It was hard not to notice it. My left breast is a size bigger than the other. And it's bigger than my palm.

It's scary...it's serious. It doesn't feel like it's getting smaller. The doctor said it did a little but I can't notice it. It feels like it got bigger.

But I don't care that much anymore. I stopped believing in statistics. And I started believing in miracles. 

Not in miracles of medicine. Miracles from god! 

If you are not a believer you will probably think chemo has made me lose my mind. But I see it every day.

My whole life is a miracle right now. People taking care of me, helping me pay my bills, giving me support. 

I can give you a little example. When it got colder a couple of days ago I was worried how I'm going to buy warm clothes for my daughter. I did not tell anybody about my concern. Today my friend Melissa and Barbara came over today and brought new clothes for her, 3 pairs of shoes and socks. Everything for the colder days. You call it a coincidence, I know better than that.

This whole journey is a learning process. I'm finally finding myself. If I could go back I would not choose to do it without the cancer. Maybe without the pain and the suffering. But through this I have met some many great people. And I have found my way back to god. I was lost and I found my way back. 

This is a live changing experience. I'm learning so many great things and I think I'm becoming a better person. I don't want to be a christian by name only. I want to be more than that. 

It did not happen overnight and I'm not done learning. It won't be long until I found peace with myself. 

Today I met another cancer patient. Before I only met survivors. I'm so excited that we bonded instantly. 

We will have lunch on monday and exchange stories. She doesn't have hair either LOL

good night!

I've been dealing with a lot of stress in my personal life but other than that I'm great.
I recovered so much faster from my last chemo and even though I got a little cold, the time went by so fast.
I had great support from friends and family and I was always distracted.
Some of you might read this now and say, but I don't have any good friends. If you are fighting the battle with cancer you better make some friends. Support groups are great and so is a local church, neighbors and most important your family. Even if you try, you can not do this alone trust me. And it feel so much better when you have somebody on your side.
I'm very happy that I don't have to take any pain medication anymore. And that I'm not in pain.
Because I can't do much right now I do things that are fun. I love photography and I'm working on my skills. I will also write a children's book.
I'm very excited about the breast cancer awareness month coming up. There will be so many great events and I know I will meat some great breast cancer survivors. I noticed that I have not met one person that currently has breast cancer. Especially nobody my age.
Some of my friends and family members are doing a breast cancer walk on the 15th. If anybody wants to join us, I will post the link. You have to sign up under team "miles for Dani" I will contact you then and give you more information.
My goal is it to run it and not to be in a wheelchair or sick at home. I want to show the world that I'm stronger than cancer and give everyone battling the disease hope!
I want to thank Michele and her team for the great support. She has been doing a wonderful job by selling calendars, note pads, ribbons, pens and so much more to get donations for me.
I will never forget what you are doing for me.
Thank you to crossroads for bringing me closer to god and give me faith.
Thanks to Melissa for doing EVERYTHING and for listening to my everyday drama and craziness. Without you I would have lost my mind a long time ago!
Thanks to Pedro for never giving up on me and helping me with your genius brain.
This list could go on for days.
Just know, I will never forget the love and support from my friends and family. One day will be my turn to return the help. I can't wait for that day!

http://makingstrides.acsevents.org/site/PageServer?pagename=MSABC_FY12_findanevent

6 days after chemo

I'm so glad I'm keeping up with this blog because it will help me remember how long I had which side effects.
So today I'm feeling much better. I felt better yesterday, got out of the house and went to bible study in the morning. I even met up with friends for coffee at night.
But for some reason I could not sleep all night. I had maybe an hour of sleep last night. I'm tired but I don't feel like I have to take a nap. At first I thought I might have been the caffeine but that doesn't least that long. It's strange. I had so much energy last night and even today.
But I did catch a little cold. Probably from Chloe since she has one too. And she probably got it from the daycare.
I have great stuff planned for the next couple of weeks. A new work project that I wanted to do for years, a little vacation and a 5K walk for breast cancer. I just got tired of sitting around. That's just not me...
I will tell you more about it soon, I really feel like I should take a nap because tonight I'm going to my church for dinner and yoga ;)
I hope everyone is having a great day...and if not just think about how your life would be if you had cancer right now!

4 days after second chemo

And we made it almost through the second round!
I did get sick again but this time was different. I was better prepared, I had more help and my side effects were different.
Just like the first time I did not get sick at the day of my chemo. I got sick the day after.
I was nauseas, tired, drained, exhausted and just beat.
My face, feet and hands are swollen like the last time and it's very uncomfortable. Especially in my fingers, it feels like Arthritis. It's hard for me to open a bottle of water or to pick up Chloe.
I also have nerve damage. That's loss of sensation, problems with balance, difficulty walking, hearing loss.
It's not very bad but bad enough that I have to be careful not to burn my hands in hot water, can't feel the room temperature like I used to, and have to be careful not to burn Chloe with hot food or tub water. The last time it got better within 2 weeks. I read that the nerve fibers re- grow but it takes time.
The side effect that bothers me the most is the chemo brain! Some people call it mental cloudiness or foggy thinking and to me it feels like I can only use 30% of my brain.
I keep forgetting things and can't think straight. Even typing this post is like a science project.
Sometimes I hear a random noise. like a sprinkler, and my brain just can't figure out what it is. Like today when my neighbor was vacuuming. It sounded like air was blowing through a window and it took me about 2 minutes to figure out what it was. You really don't know how complex and truly amazing your brain works until you can't use it to it's full potential anymore.
Luckily I did not have the same pain like the last time. This time it wasn't my back, only my legs and arms. It's easier to rest your legs than your back. And it feels like I ran cross country and not like I got into a car accident, so that's a plus.
Other side effects I have are dry skin, dry mouth, I have probably 20% of my hair left, hair on my body is gone, my vision got worse, food tastes horrible but I still have an appetite, I've gained 5 pounds in 2 days, upset stomach, constipation, I had a fever today, headache, and for some reason my nose feels like it's broken.
So this time I wanted to get through the side effects as fast and smooth as possible. I tried not to take as many pain meds as the last time because I wanted to prevent those side effects on top of the ones I already have.

It's time!

Just some pictures I wanted to share

Cotey and I with shaved heads

Cotey let me shave his head and I had some fun with it!

We were trying to connect our brains!

Thank you...

Chloe wearing my mask

One of my wigs

Has a stylish haircut but it's very uncomfortable to me.
I bought it at Coco's for 19.99

One of my scarfs. It's black, I bought it for 3.00 dollars at Coco's too.
I tied it on the side and clipped a white flower in it

The pink firetruck that rides all over Florida

My friends Michele signed my name on it, how sweet!

A firefighter standing next to it. I have the same shirt by the way.
Michele made sure I had one.
I wanted to wear it to my last chemo but it had to be open on to so they could
access the port on my cheast :(

Cotey looking like one of the guys from rock band!

Hilarious. He will kill me for putting those pictures up! 

Chloe at best buy with 3D glasses.

For those who have not seen this picture yet
Chloe's first day of school!!

I really like this picture
My friend Herti made this hat for me.
It's very special to me.
I put the pink flower in it, it's from Clares.
The hat keeps my head warm!

At the infusion center with my prayer blanket and my favorite hat.

Chloe wants to wear a hat too!

I feel it creeping up...

It's 7pm and I finished my treatment around 2.30 I think. The Benadryl they gave me made me very drowsy and sleepy.
But I can feel it spreading in my body and I feel that I'm getting sick. It feels just like the last time, like something evil is coming to posess my body. I can't put my feeling into words. I can't even smile right now.
All I think is how I'm going to get through this. And it seems like my memory is getting worse than before. I def have to address that to my doctor and find out what's going on with that.
So I'm asking all my friends to keep reminding me if I had to call you, call you back or meet you somewhere.
I feel the nausea creeping up too. I will have to start taking medications soon. I made it without for about a week.
My friend Michele sent me a text today saying 2 down 4 more to go. It felt good reading that. Only for more times.
The video I posted today was from my first chemotherapy. Thanks to Alex, you did a great job.

FIRST day of chemo, NOT today!

the night before second chemo

It's 2 am and I can't sleep. So I was on Facebook on my phone, started to write my thoughts of the night but I realized FB wasn't the right place to do so. I'm really glad sometimes that I have this blog where I can write down my thoughts which makes my family and friends happy because they want to know that I'm ok and it can also be useful to people who want to know what to expect.
I'm doing good tonight. I'm at a happy place, strong, knowing that I have hundreds of people standing behind me. This time is different than the last time. The last time I didn't know what to expect, my friends also didn't know how they can help. On top of that my support team has doubled. I feel like I'm going to war tomorrow and my support team is standing right behind me, with strong arms, ready to catch me when I fall. And I expect to fall. And it's ok if I do...I have the right to because I have cancer. It took me a while to except that and not feeling guilty about excepting help. And there is no doubt that I will return it one day. That's what I live for. I want to be an inspiration, an role model and somebodies hope.
Right now I just want to go down on my knees and thank god for allowing me to see another day. I want to be a better christian. I think sometimes maybe this was gods way of telling me I need to do better in life. Not that I was a bad person but I wasn't doing anything for my community. I might have been a good friend for some people but maybe that wasn't enough.
I have learned so much in my church even though I have only been going for a couple of weeks. It's sad that I have to say that but without me being sick I would have never made that experiance.
I met so many great people. I'm sure many of them will be friends for life. I found out who truly cares about me and who doesn't. I realized that I'm worth so much more than I thought. I saw the good in people again.
I have been blessed with all the people who are giving me donations, sending me gift cards, gas cards, get better cards, books, dvd's, food, scarfs, and so so so much more. My friend said to me, that's god taking care of you. Sometimes I don't even know how those people heard of me and they offer their help.
It's just amazing to me. I don't see this cancer as an end, I see it as a chance to become somebody better, a better person, a better friend and a better mom.
I cherish every moment with my friends because in the back of my head I still think it might be the last time I see them. Just like I said before, tomorrow is not garanteed so don't take anybody for granted.
Dealing with my physical changes has been very hard on me. I don't see myself in the mirror anymore. It's so hard. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It's so obvious now that I have cancer. I see it in peoples eyes when they look at me. I see them wonder and it makes me uncomfortable.
I'm trying to make the best out of wigs, scarfs and hats. I signed up for a program from the american cancer society. I think it's called look good feel better. They teach you how to use scarfs and how to find the proper wig. They also show you how to care for your face and nails after chemo. They have certefied cosmotologists who show you how to draw your eyebrows after they fall out and what products to use.
I'm very excited about that. I knew about it for a while but I thought I wouldn't need it because I've always knew how to do my make up. Until my face started to change...now I need help.
I am very scared that something will happen that I'm not prepared for. Like a different side effect or another infection. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly.
Since I have been home for a while now and couldn't work I had plenty of time to think about the future. I want to use this time off to make a plan for after my cancer. I don't want to go back to my old lifestyle and don't want to have jobs here and there. I want to get my degree translated as long as my funds allow me to and be able to use it either as it is or find out what I have to do to get to where I want to be. I'm tired of wasting my time and my education I had. I know I can do better!
Tonight I met a person who asked me about my condition and my stage. I explained to him that my survival chance is only 20%, his respond was "that's what they say" and he is so right. It might be a statistic but there have been so many miracles. Doctors have told people they will die and 10 years later they were still alive. As long as you fight and don't give yourself up there is always hope. Once you lay in bed and shut down your body will get a signal from your brain to shut down too. And I was there at some point and my friends helped me to get to where I am today. I feel like if I let myself die people will die with me and that's just not happening.
I ask myself every day why me? I know one day I will understand.

please be patient

I've been trying to upload a video since last night, finally figured out that I didn't work because it was too long. I will record a new one, please be patient!

the painting...

Today I want to write about my painting on my wall.
It's not just any painting. I don't remember the name of the artist right now, all I know is that it was very expensive. It is a very special painting, I will hold on to it for the rest of my life.
I call it the painting of HOPE, FRIENDSHIP and LOVE.
Every time I walk into my living room and see it, it gives me strength. I don't know what it is about it, maybe the black heavy frame, that makes it look so powerful.
Or maybe it's the story behind it...

Last week was very hard for me. I got very sad and depressed because I realized everyone is going on with their life and I'm standing still. People are making plans to travel, go out, work out and I can't do any of that. The worst thing of all is that I can't work. I'm a runner and I just wanted to run away from all of it.
One night I was at a friends goodbye party. With all the people around me I felt claustrophobic and just wanted to run away. I left the party and started walking. I walked for over 2 hours without a destination. It was in the middle of the night. I was so angry and just couldn't stop. I felt like I could run far enough to be somewhere I could pretend not to have cancer. The pain in my legs made me feel alive. Then I just broke down on a bench and called a friend to take me home.
That was it for me. I was done fighting. I did not want to do any more chemotherapy.
I did not want to go through pain again. I did not want to lose my hair and I did not want to suffer for months just to find out my body is not responding to the treatment.
I didn't care about anything anymore. Chloe has a dad and he could take care of her just like I would do if something would happen to him. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone.
I thought maybe that's just my destiny... stupid me!

The next day I told a couple of close friends that I'm not going to do another treatment. Everyone got very upset with me. I didn't expect that at all. I thought everyone would respect my wish.
Somebody said to me; we sure don't know what it feels to have cancer but do you think it's easy for us to do all those things for you to help you survive. Somebody else said; if you just turn your back on us now it's like you are spitting in our face.
That hit me really hard. That's just what I needed.
I realized that I was very selfish and ignored the fact that every single one of my friends would trade with me if they could.
And I want to apologize. I should never let it build up like that again. I need to find a better way to deal with my anger.
But let me tell you what changed my mind and why I told myself I HAVE TO FIGHT.

My friend Brad came over on sunday with his daughter and grandchild. Brad was the one that donated 2 paintings to me. My friends Loubens bought one of the paintings and let me keep it. He told me I had to put it on my wall and when I'm done with my cancer I could look at it and remember the time I was sick.
I never put it on my wall because it is very heavy and I didn't have the right tools. Brad offered to put it up and I didn't even ask him to. When I was on the wall I fell in love with it right away.
It reminded me on all my friends and family. It reminded me of Chloe and everyone else I have to fight for. It reminded me of my mom and all my friends in germany. It reminded me of my church and my american family. It reminded me of all the things that have been given to me to help me survive.
I won't take it for granted anymore. And the painting will remind me to fight.
Brad didn't have to give me 2 paintings, Loubens didn't have to buy it. All of you who are collecting money for me and buy me groceries, sending me gift cards, money in the mail without a name in the card, flowers. People using their free time to help me pick out a wig, to do a fundraiser. ...I know you do it because you love me. And I won't take it for granted anymore.

This is a learning process for me. I was never sick before. I never had to deal with that many health issues at once before. I'm not perfect and I know all of you know that.
I will try my best to win this fight!
Thanks to everyone for helping me survive!

Status update!

So many people have been asking me for a status update and I have to apologize. 

I have been so unmotivated and sick as well lately, that I just didn't feel like it. On top of that I still have to go to my doctors appointments, take care of Chloe and catch up with all the things I had to do from the week of my first chemo. 

I was so sick, I can't even describe it. I had all the side effects of the chemo and the Neulasta shot you can possible have. One week straight! My oncologist said there is nothing we can do and it will probably  be that way every time I get chemo. 

I would be fine now if I didn't have those infected lumps under my armpit. Always something.

The doctor doesn't know what it is. Could be lymph nodes, ingrowing hair, Cellulitis or just infected skin glands. He prescribed me antibiotics and we just have to watch it. Who knows...

It's very painful and the skin just came off this morning. So now I just have that infected open wound under my armpit. It burns when I put deodorant on and the doctor doesn't recommend shaving. Great.

Of course I got some bad news as well. I have an enlarged lymph node under my right arm, the healthy side. He told me something did show up in the pet scan but it was so small that they didn't worry about it much. Now that it's visible he thinks it might be another tumor. He offered a biopsy to find out if it's cancerous. I denied. It doesn't make a difference to me and some things are better left alone. It wouldn't change anything because I have to finish my Chemotherapy no matter what. 

We will do another pet scan after the chemo and if it's still there we will take care of it. 

And I knew from the beginning there was something on the other side too. That's why I'm choosing to remove both breasts. 

My friend Steffi is visiting from Miami right now. I feel bad because I can't do much. I'm tired a lot and I'm scared to take too long trips. But I know she understands. 

I'm having a hard time returning phone calls, answering emails, writing thank you notes and remembering things in general. Maybe it's to much stress or chemo brain. There is just so much stuff I have to take care of I feel like I need an assistant. I keep forgetting things and it seems like the day doesn't have enough hours. Sometimes I can't even master simple things, like creating a pay pal account. It gets very frustrating. 

Chloe is starting pre school soon, so maybe that will give me more room to organize things. She really is a handful right now. Me and her dad lied to ourselves when we said she won't have terrible two's because she had terrible one's. She is getting very naughty and doesn't listen to me anymore. She throws her little tantrums everywhere we go and has her little fits. Usually she throws herself on the floor and acts like she got hurt. The last time she did that she hit her mouth on my leg and started bleeding like crazy. 

Her favorite word is NO and whatever your question is, that's the answer. Unless you ask her if she wants candy. She thinks she is the boss of everything and if she doesn't get her way, she falls on the ground and screams like she broke her leg. Drama queen! Don't get me started on the sharing. Her second favorite words are, that's MINE!

I know this is typical toddler behavior but it needs to be corrected and this super nanny is just overwhelmed right now. 

AND we are starting potty training next week...

So I'm tired 75% of the time but that's still good enough for me. I can run most of my errands early in the morning and then by the time Chloe takes a nap I run out of energy too. And by 5 pm I'm usually ready for bed but drag myself around until 10. 

I'm jealous of all the people that do chemo and still work. There is just no way in the world I could work all day in my condition. If I didn't have Chloe I think I would sleep for 18 weeks.

I still have my hair which I didn't expect. My wig came in today and I have to pick it up tomorrow. 

The hair on my legs got less but I still have to shave. I'm starting to have sores in my mouth. 

I found out today that they forgot to pull a stitch after they put in my port...great. I always knew it wasn't suppose to be there for that long.  

I'm using Maderma for my scar but I'm asking myself why because they will have to cut it open again eventually. Something is just telling me to keep using it. 

Right now I'm just unmotivated, tired, irritated and bitter because I can't just live my life I had. I wish I could go tanning at the pool with my girlfriend, go for a 5 mile run in my fancy gym I never used, go shopping for new clothes, plan a trip to visit my girlfriend in San Diego, work again so I wouldn't have to worry about how I'm going to pay my bills, fly to New York to renew my passport so I can finally fly to germany so my mom could see her grandchild and I could see my friends daughter who turned one already!!!

This just stinks and I'm so over it! I'm too young to have cancer...

I want to thank everybody for their support. 

I know I'm hard to deal with sometimes and I've been very moody lately. I apologize to every person I have been rude to lately and I apologize if I didn't return your call. Be patient with me and just call me again. 

A special thanks to my church Crossroads and especially to my friend Melissa who are about to move mountains for me. 

Thanks to grandma Sonja who is so caring and helpful. 

Thanks to Chris and Trell for being my wonderful american family and the best grandparents Chloe could possibly have. 

Thanks to my mom who writes me an email every single day, telling me not to give up.

Thanks to Cotey for trying to be a good friend in difficult circumstances. 

Thanks to my little brother for sending my hearts on Facebook all the way from croatia.

Thanks to Annika who sent me an angel all the way from germany by mail.

Thanks to my best friend Tania for being my best friend even though I have been living in a different continent for 5 years already!

Thanks Angelika for being my second mom.

Thanks to Lana for being my american mom. I know I can always count on you and I'm so glad to have you.

Thanks to Scott for helping me out with errands every day and for cleaning my car the other day. Well and so much more, but you already know. 

A special thank you to Loubens. You must have lost your wings because you truly are an angel.

Thanks to Sinem for taking me to my chemo therapy and making me laugh. I love you

Thanks to Pedro for making my life more latin, you know what I mean! And for being a great friend without expecting anything in return. 

Thanks for Elane for being my hero, role model and best mental support I could possibly have.

Thanks to Michele and her special found raiser. We only met once and she decided to dedicate her free time to help me survive. You have a heart made of gold and I will never forget what you are doing for me. 

Thanks to Samir and Alex for being great friends. 

Thanks to Brad for the donation and the daily encouragement. 

I hope I didn't forget anyone...

I just had to say thank you. 

Also thanks everyone for reading my blog. I never thought I would have thousands of views. 

I've been told that I touched many hearts. I don't want anybody to feel bad for me. 

All I want is awareness. Tell your friend, neighbor, sister, cousin...

YOU CAN HAVE BREAST CANCER IN YOUR 20's!!!

And if you detect it early enough, you won't have to suffer as much as I do.