Status update!

So many people have been asking me for a status update and I have to apologize. 

I have been so unmotivated and sick as well lately, that I just didn't feel like it. On top of that I still have to go to my doctors appointments, take care of Chloe and catch up with all the things I had to do from the week of my first chemo. 

I was so sick, I can't even describe it. I had all the side effects of the chemo and the Neulasta shot you can possible have. One week straight! My oncologist said there is nothing we can do and it will probably  be that way every time I get chemo. 

I would be fine now if I didn't have those infected lumps under my armpit. Always something.

The doctor doesn't know what it is. Could be lymph nodes, ingrowing hair, Cellulitis or just infected skin glands. He prescribed me antibiotics and we just have to watch it. Who knows...

It's very painful and the skin just came off this morning. So now I just have that infected open wound under my armpit. It burns when I put deodorant on and the doctor doesn't recommend shaving. Great.

Of course I got some bad news as well. I have an enlarged lymph node under my right arm, the healthy side. He told me something did show up in the pet scan but it was so small that they didn't worry about it much. Now that it's visible he thinks it might be another tumor. He offered a biopsy to find out if it's cancerous. I denied. It doesn't make a difference to me and some things are better left alone. It wouldn't change anything because I have to finish my Chemotherapy no matter what. 

We will do another pet scan after the chemo and if it's still there we will take care of it. 

And I knew from the beginning there was something on the other side too. That's why I'm choosing to remove both breasts. 

My friend Steffi is visiting from Miami right now. I feel bad because I can't do much. I'm tired a lot and I'm scared to take too long trips. But I know she understands. 

I'm having a hard time returning phone calls, answering emails, writing thank you notes and remembering things in general. Maybe it's to much stress or chemo brain. There is just so much stuff I have to take care of I feel like I need an assistant. I keep forgetting things and it seems like the day doesn't have enough hours. Sometimes I can't even master simple things, like creating a pay pal account. It gets very frustrating. 

Chloe is starting pre school soon, so maybe that will give me more room to organize things. She really is a handful right now. Me and her dad lied to ourselves when we said she won't have terrible two's because she had terrible one's. She is getting very naughty and doesn't listen to me anymore. She throws her little tantrums everywhere we go and has her little fits. Usually she throws herself on the floor and acts like she got hurt. The last time she did that she hit her mouth on my leg and started bleeding like crazy. 

Her favorite word is NO and whatever your question is, that's the answer. Unless you ask her if she wants candy. She thinks she is the boss of everything and if she doesn't get her way, she falls on the ground and screams like she broke her leg. Drama queen! Don't get me started on the sharing. Her second favorite words are, that's MINE!

I know this is typical toddler behavior but it needs to be corrected and this super nanny is just overwhelmed right now. 

AND we are starting potty training next week...

So I'm tired 75% of the time but that's still good enough for me. I can run most of my errands early in the morning and then by the time Chloe takes a nap I run out of energy too. And by 5 pm I'm usually ready for bed but drag myself around until 10. 

I'm jealous of all the people that do chemo and still work. There is just no way in the world I could work all day in my condition. If I didn't have Chloe I think I would sleep for 18 weeks.

I still have my hair which I didn't expect. My wig came in today and I have to pick it up tomorrow. 

The hair on my legs got less but I still have to shave. I'm starting to have sores in my mouth. 

I found out today that they forgot to pull a stitch after they put in my port...great. I always knew it wasn't suppose to be there for that long.  

I'm using Maderma for my scar but I'm asking myself why because they will have to cut it open again eventually. Something is just telling me to keep using it. 

Right now I'm just unmotivated, tired, irritated and bitter because I can't just live my life I had. I wish I could go tanning at the pool with my girlfriend, go for a 5 mile run in my fancy gym I never used, go shopping for new clothes, plan a trip to visit my girlfriend in San Diego, work again so I wouldn't have to worry about how I'm going to pay my bills, fly to New York to renew my passport so I can finally fly to germany so my mom could see her grandchild and I could see my friends daughter who turned one already!!!

This just stinks and I'm so over it! I'm too young to have cancer...

I want to thank everybody for their support. 

I know I'm hard to deal with sometimes and I've been very moody lately. I apologize to every person I have been rude to lately and I apologize if I didn't return your call. Be patient with me and just call me again. 

A special thanks to my church Crossroads and especially to my friend Melissa who are about to move mountains for me. 

Thanks to grandma Sonja who is so caring and helpful. 

Thanks to Chris and Trell for being my wonderful american family and the best grandparents Chloe could possibly have. 

Thanks to my mom who writes me an email every single day, telling me not to give up.

Thanks to Cotey for trying to be a good friend in difficult circumstances. 

Thanks to my little brother for sending my hearts on Facebook all the way from croatia.

Thanks to Annika who sent me an angel all the way from germany by mail.

Thanks to my best friend Tania for being my best friend even though I have been living in a different continent for 5 years already!

Thanks Angelika for being my second mom.

Thanks to Lana for being my american mom. I know I can always count on you and I'm so glad to have you.

Thanks to Scott for helping me out with errands every day and for cleaning my car the other day. Well and so much more, but you already know. 

A special thank you to Loubens. You must have lost your wings because you truly are an angel.

Thanks to Sinem for taking me to my chemo therapy and making me laugh. I love you

Thanks to Pedro for making my life more latin, you know what I mean! And for being a great friend without expecting anything in return. 

Thanks for Elane for being my hero, role model and best mental support I could possibly have.

Thanks to Michele and her special found raiser. We only met once and she decided to dedicate her free time to help me survive. You have a heart made of gold and I will never forget what you are doing for me. 

Thanks to Samir and Alex for being great friends. 

Thanks to Brad for the donation and the daily encouragement. 

I hope I didn't forget anyone...

I just had to say thank you. 

Also thanks everyone for reading my blog. I never thought I would have thousands of views. 

I've been told that I touched many hearts. I don't want anybody to feel bad for me. 

All I want is awareness. Tell your friend, neighbor, sister, cousin...

YOU CAN HAVE BREAST CANCER IN YOUR 20's!!!

And if you detect it early enough, you won't have to suffer as much as I do.