Thursday, February 16, 2012

I would like to dedicate this post to a couple people in my life.

There was I in July of 2011. I still remember the phone call that changed everything. It was in the afternoon and I was home alone, not expecting a phone call from the hospital. Chloe was taking a nap. I was so sure it was just a cyst, or whatever else you can have in your breast. Not cancer, not me. I have been healthy all my life, I couldn't get cancer. I was way too young for breast cancer. So I thought...
"I'm sorry and I wish you the best Mrs. Hughey" that's all I heard. After that I could only hear white noise.
My head started spinning. Maybe they made a mistake. I starred at the aqua blue accent wall for 30 min. Couldn't move. My throat was on fire. I couldn't even cry.
I was so confused. I tried to recall everything I learned about cancer in school. My head was spinning.
All I could think about was Chloe. Who would take care of her if I die? I looked down to my chest.
A tumor in my body? I just couldn't believe it, that only happens in movies. I felt like I was in a wrong movie. Then I just broke down and started crying...I didn't want to die!

Then weeks later I realized I had to face it. Find a doctor, find answers and treatment. That was almost impossible without insurance. I had insurance the year before but couldn't afford it anymore after my husband and I split up. I called different hospitals, doctors, charities. Nothing. Nobody wanted to help me.
I was ready to just give up. What was my other option?
So god send me one of his angels. His name is Loubens. He sat on the phone for hours and hours and did not take no for an answer. Until he finally found someone who was willing to help me.
Her name is Sue Nessbaum. She is with the "we care program" in Jacksonville. She called me at 9pm and left me a message. I will never forget what she said: "you don't have to worry anymore, we will take care of you" I knew right there I was in good hands.
I thank god for those two incredible doctors who have shown that their passion is to save lives.
That was the beginning of my journey.

I had no idea where to start. I couldn't even pronounce the word oncologist. I had no idea how cancer was treated or how Chemotherapy works. All I wondered was how long I had to live.
I went online. Tried to do research. Tried to figure out what stage cancer I was. The statistics were not very promising. I had about a 50/50 chance of survival. That meant maybe I would die, maybe not.

I couldn't understand any of the medical terms, specifics, reports. Didn't understand which doctor did what.
Didn't know what they would do to me.
So one day Chloe's great grandma gave me a number to a support group. They are called bosom buddies, a local group founded by a breast cancer survivor named Bobbi. They have breast cancer advocates who are cancer survivors as well. I called them right away. I had so many questions and needed help.
I remember talking to Lauren. She was so caring and wanted to help me. That was the first time someone said to me "I'm so sorry you have to go through this"
She matched me with Elaine.  The most loving and caring person in the world. We connected instantly.
She has been on my side ever since. Came to almost every single appointment with me. Has been to every chemo treatment. Brought me presents, flowers, books, socks, food...anything you can imagine a cancer patient would need. She cried with me, she laughed with me, yelled at me when I wanted to give up. Educated me and stood up for me, supported me educating others. Loved me unconditionally,
was on my side-always.
Motivated me to keep on going. Prayed with me...

Then I started to run out of money. I had no idea what I could do to support myself and my daughter.
I couldn't qualify for any government benefits because I'm not a US citizen. I didn't get any support from any charity either. I thought I would be homeless.
That's when my friend Pedro stepped in. He helped me pay some of my bills and created my online donation account. After that people started to get the idea of doing fundraisers for me. I didn't have to worry about money anymore and was able to focus on getting through my chemotherapy.

That's when I met an incredible strong and sometimes crazy person. I don't know how else I could describe her. My friend Michelle. I have never seen so much fire in somebodies eyes. She was on a mission after she saw me and nobody can stop her till this day. One day I will have to write a separate post just about her. I never had a dull moment with her. She made sure I had every single pink item during breast cancer awareness month, she made sure I had eyebrows during my chemo, she was the reason I even finished chemo! She made me my favorite food, which is spinach, eggs sunny side up and mashed potatoes.
She collected money for me from people who probably never donated a cent in their life.
And she always made me laugh.
I remember one specific night after my 4th cycle of chemo. We were sitting on my couch trying to figure out which roots and leaves I had to eat for pain management because I refused pain pills. I was laughing so hard I forgot all about my pain.

I also have another crazy friend. She is not there all the time but if I go through a painful procedure like surgery she drops everything and comes flying. Her name is Sinem. She is the only one crying in the waiting room while I'm in surgery. She also tells me to wear socks in 90 degree weather. A real friend.
She also complains all the time. She tells me I have to listen because I'm her friend...LOL

And then there is my little sunshine. She shines all day long...sometimes all night too.
She is the funniest person I have ever known.
She keeps my life together. I know I have to be strong for her. I get up every morning so she can have a normal life. I don't take pills so I can function right for her. It's so worth it.
I let her see all my emotions. I cry when I don't feel good. She kisses my face to make me feel better.
She kisses all my scars because that's what we do for each other when one of us has a "boo boo"
But I will never let the cancer hurt her. I'm a brick wall shielding her from it. I will not let her miss one day outside in the park or a birthday party. I will not let her get out the house without her hair brushed or clean clothes even when I can barely dress myself. I make sure she gets dinner even if the smell of food makes me sick. And I do not let anyone else take my role.
Her love is the best cancer treatment I can possibly receive. Without her I am lost.

After I was diagnosed I was drawn to a specific church. You could think I went there because it's close to where I live. I think it was a calling. I could probably name 200 people in that church that helped me.
Christians who are not only christians "by name".
Wonderful selfless, caring and loving people. People who helped me find the way to Jesus. There are not just people anymore. I call them my church family.

In Crossroad that's where I met Melissa and Barbara. Where do I start? They love free deserts and they would do anything to get them. Even use the name of Jesus for it...and then they end up feeling bad and pay for it.
They worry about me all the time. Make sure I have food all the time. They are also the reason I gained 20 pounds during chemo. They make sure I don't EVER get bored.
Sometimes they ask the leasing office manager if they can pass the gate to my apartment complex or sometimes they just run it over with their car.
There is so much I could say about those two women. But I would probably get in trouble. So all I'm going to say is that I love them from the bottom of my heart. They inspire me to be strong and make sure I have everything I need and beyond.

The last person I want to mention is somebody who just recently came into my life.
He is different. He is outside the box. Makes me look at things from a different perspective. Doesn't take no for an answer.
Before I met him I knew this disease will get me one day. Now I think there might be hope for me to be cured. He made me look beyond the knowledge of cancer I had. He gave me the promise not to leave my side through this journey. The best thing you can tell someone who has cancer.
His name is Chris.
Some people might say it's a coincidence we met-again. I call it destiny. He came into my life for a reason.

I could go on and on.
The people that I mentioned are the ones who made me the strong person I am today.
And I will fight so one day I can give back.

Life has not been easy for me but I have build a Fort around me with people who love me. They can not take away my cancer but they will protect me from everything else.
I think the world is witnessing one of gods miracles, they just don't know it yet.

Why me? For no reason. It's not about me. It's about faith, love and positive attraction.
Think about it.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Welcome back!

It has been a very long time since I've updated this blog. I had to set it on private for personal reasons and then I stopped writing. So many people asked me about it and wanted me to start writing again. I wanted to give up on it for a while because I have a very hard time expressing myself in english and sometimes it takes me hours to write one post.
The reason why I'm making this blog public again is a message from a person I received a while ago. I don't know who she is or how old she is, the only thing I know is that she has cancer and that she said my blog gives her hope. And if I can change one persons life I will sacrifice my time and keep writing posts with bad grammar. You asked for it ;)
So many things happened. Good things, bad things and horrible things. I don't really know where to start.
I don't even remember the day anymore when I was diagnosed. People ask me "didn't the time just fly by, look how far you have come" No actually I feel like I had cancer for 25 years now.
Maybe I should start with the positive things that happened or changed since I have been diagnosed.
I have met some incredible people. All ages, ethnicity, religion. I found the good in people again. For me it seems like if someone is that vulnerable like me people have a natural instinct of trying to protect the other person. It is in our nature unless you are an evil person. And thanks to Facebook I've gotten so much support from all over the world, even from people who couldn't stand me years ago.
I learned to let go of the people who didn't care enough and hold on to those who do. I've learned where happiness comes from and what unconditional love means. I learned how a positive attitude can change everything and everyone around me.
I changed from a follower to a leader. I grew stronger.
But of course with cancer there are more bad moments than good. I can not tell you how sick and tired I am of hospitals and doctors. Scans, tests, treatments, drugs and decisions. Every time I think that I just had the worst procedure possible, they put me through something more traumatic. And it's not the physical pain, it's a mental thing. Best example is my bone biopsy. How often do you have someone drill through your spine? That reminds me of a horror movie! It will take me a very long time to get over that.

After they have told me that my breast cancer has spread to my bones it changed my life forever. Before there was a chance for me to live a normal life but now I know nothing will ever be normal again.
At first I was done. I planned on getting ready to die. I expected my treatment to fail and believed the doctor who told me I had 2-10 years to live. I was ok with that. I thought I had a good life and knew at least I was going to heaven. Until one day I looked at my daughter and thought, who will fix her hair for prom? Her dad doesn't know how to do that. If you know me and my daughter than you will know I don't let many people touch her hair. She has very beautiful hair and I want it to stay that way. I cut it myself since she was a baby.
Then I thought who will teach her how to ride a bike or to swim? Who will teach her german or how to count? Who will be there to tell her she can't date until she is 35? Who will tell her how important she is and special. So I said, I need 16 years. That's my goal. I want to see her go to college and know that she will be able to take care of herself. That's all I'm asking for. And if it's in a wheelchair, I don't care.
My little girl needs her mom and I will fight to make sure I'm here for every important event in her life.

Right now I don't have a plan for the future. I don't even have a plan for tomorrow. I know god has a plan so I stopped planing.

Radiation is the next step. It kind of has a bitter feeling to it. This was suppose to be the last step. I was suppose to be done after that. Now I'm still trying to find peace with the fact that I will have cancer for the rest of my life. I hated it before, now I want to get along with it. I want to say: "hey cancer, we are kind of stuck together now so can we please get along? Can you please stop hurting me and just stay where you are so I don't have to tell the doctors to cut some of you out? I know you are stronger but if I die, you'll die with me." Weird I know...

I have more and more the desire to find the purpose of life. I research different theories and religions. I do have a little to much time on my hand and REALLY need to find a job now since I'm starting to feel better so I don't drive myself nuts. Because there are some crazy theories out there.

The best way for me to handle all this is to help others. Maybe it distracts me from my own sufferings, who knows.

I hope everyone is having a good week.
I promise to keep up with this blog again.