It hit me hard this time!

It's been a week since my last chemo. I'm still recovering. I just realized how easy I had it the first two times and I thought it was so hard.
I'm having bad stomach problems now. I remember when a friend called me after my first or second chemo and asked if she could bring some ginger ale and crackers. I was laughing so hard. I told her to bring me some shrimp hibachi. And this is where I'm now, eating soup and drinking ginger ale. Starving.
I've lost 5 pounds in that one week. Every time I eat or drink something my stomach cramps up like I'm having contractions. It did that every 20 min the first 4 days. It's getting better now, maybe my stomach is getting used to the small meals. Nausea medication makes it worse. It gives me heartburn...
So I'm trying things like plain yoghurt, ginger root, camomile tea and honey. That's all I can do.
My throat was hurting a couple of days ago and it looked like strep throat but today I found out I have mouth sores and ulcers. My entire mouth is covered with it. It makes eating and drinking even more painful but even swallowing and breathing is hard now. My doctor gave me a recipe for a mouth wash, made out of water, salt and baking soda.
I was hoping I was going to be better by today so I can start planing for our breast cancer walk on the 15th but it seems to get worse from day to day. My fingertips are almost numb and so are my toes. I'm having a hard time using a can opener and washing my hands is painful.
My vision has blurred and I think it's time to get out my glasses that I have not worn ummmm...ever.
When I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself anymore. I lost all my color and shine. I look dead.
Before I would spend hours in front of the mirror looking my best, now I spend hours looking normal.
Applying bronzer and blush to my cheeks to get some color. Putting lipstick on my purple lips. My eye color is still light blue and has not changed back. That does not help my ghost like appearance.
My skin is dry and cracked. I'm waiting for my finger nails to fall off. I always thought that would never happen to me but I said the same thing about the mouth sores. I mean what was I thinking? I'm doing the most aggressive chemo there is. I was just reading about the possible side effects. Blood cloths in the veins or lungs, heart failure, bleeding in the bladder, scarring of lung tissue, secondary cancer years after treatment and that's only a couple of things.
I'm scared to death. And this is just the beginning!
I just want to run away from it all, it's too much to handle. I'm too young to have cancer. My life was already a mess before I got sick, now imagine how it is now.
I sit at home most of the day. I'm scared to leave the house because I might get dizzy and faint. I'm scared to drive. I hate it. I was never a stay at home person. Chloe and I would run around at 9 in the morning already. It's making me depressed. I don't want to be around people because I'm scared I might catch a cold or even worse the flu. That would make me even more sick. I'm not allowed to get a flu shot.
Today I did a photo shoot with my friend. I was only able to function 30% I feel like I'm wasting my time.
I have trouble sleeping at night. I'm either having cramps or nightmares. Last night I was dreaming we got attacked by the Iraqis. I saw the planes coming and the missiles flying. I was in a building and a helicopter crashed into it and exploded. The building tumbled and I suffocated.
I also could have sworn a white light flew by my face while I was sleeping. I felt the wind of it in my face. I remember waking up and wondering if it was an angel. I know I was hallucinating again, it just seems so real every time.
All my plans I made before this chemo are on hold. I'm still putting up my photography website and doing photo shoots here and there but everything else just seems impossible. I'm very disappointed but I should have known better. I don't have much motivation to do anything either. I was very excited about breast cancer month but I'm already sick of it. I was planning on going to every single event to tell everyone my story to possible save some lives but now I just want someone to save my life. All I'm looking forward to is february. That's when I will have this horrible poison out of my body, hopefully without a heart or liver defect. I just want to skip all the holidays and move on. I wonder if christmas will ever be the same again.
This christmas will be the saddest of all. Not only am I sick but I'm without my mom and without my husband. At least I have Chloe.
I had an interview with a news channel the other day. I hated it. But I just had to do it for the awareness. When I first got diagnosed my plan was it to go on TV to reach as many young people as possible. I did that now and I won't ever go on Tv again.
Every day I look at myself and think- I'm too young to have cancer. It's not fair
But I have to go on somehow. I know my daughter needs her mom. Every day I look at her as a miracle, god would not take me away from her.