It feels good to be alone sometimes. I'm learning more and more every day that being alone does not mean being lonely.
As I was taking a bath, for the first time since I have been diagnosed, I realized how big my tumor is.
Every time I take a shower I try not to touch it and try to ignore it. But tonight I kinda had to face it.
It was hard not to notice it. My left breast is a size bigger than the other. And it's bigger than my palm.
It's scary...it's serious. It doesn't feel like it's getting smaller. The doctor said it did a little but I can't notice it. It feels like it got bigger.
But I don't care that much anymore. I stopped believing in statistics. And I started believing in miracles.
Not in miracles of medicine. Miracles from god!
If you are not a believer you will probably think chemo has made me lose my mind. But I see it every day.
My whole life is a miracle right now. People taking care of me, helping me pay my bills, giving me support.
I can give you a little example. When it got colder a couple of days ago I was worried how I'm going to buy warm clothes for my daughter. I did not tell anybody about my concern. Today my friend Melissa and Barbara came over today and brought new clothes for her, 3 pairs of shoes and socks. Everything for the colder days. You call it a coincidence, I know better than that.
This whole journey is a learning process. I'm finally finding myself. If I could go back I would not choose to do it without the cancer. Maybe without the pain and the suffering. But through this I have met some many great people. And I have found my way back to god. I was lost and I found my way back.
This is a live changing experience. I'm learning so many great things and I think I'm becoming a better person. I don't want to be a christian by name only. I want to be more than that.
It did not happen overnight and I'm not done learning. It won't be long until I found peace with myself.
Today I met another cancer patient. Before I only met survivors. I'm so excited that we bonded instantly.
We will have lunch on monday and exchange stories. She doesn't have hair either LOL
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