Today I want to write about my painting on my wall.
It's not just any painting. I don't remember the name of the artist right now, all I know is that it was very expensive. It is a very special painting, I will hold on to it for the rest of my life.
I call it the painting of HOPE, FRIENDSHIP and LOVE.
Every time I walk into my living room and see it, it gives me strength. I don't know what it is about it, maybe the black heavy frame, that makes it look so powerful.
Or maybe it's the story behind it...
Last week was very hard for me. I got very sad and depressed because I realized everyone is going on with their life and I'm standing still. People are making plans to travel, go out, work out and I can't do any of that. The worst thing of all is that I can't work. I'm a runner and I just wanted to run away from all of it.
One night I was at a friends goodbye party. With all the people around me I felt claustrophobic and just wanted to run away. I left the party and started walking. I walked for over 2 hours without a destination. It was in the middle of the night. I was so angry and just couldn't stop. I felt like I could run far enough to be somewhere I could pretend not to have cancer. The pain in my legs made me feel alive. Then I just broke down on a bench and called a friend to take me home.
That was it for me. I was done fighting. I did not want to do any more chemotherapy.
I did not want to go through pain again. I did not want to lose my hair and I did not want to suffer for months just to find out my body is not responding to the treatment.
I didn't care about anything anymore. Chloe has a dad and he could take care of her just like I would do if something would happen to him. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone.
I thought maybe that's just my destiny... stupid me!
The next day I told a couple of close friends that I'm not going to do another treatment. Everyone got very upset with me. I didn't expect that at all. I thought everyone would respect my wish.
Somebody said to me; we sure don't know what it feels to have cancer but do you think it's easy for us to do all those things for you to help you survive. Somebody else said; if you just turn your back on us now it's like you are spitting in our face.
That hit me really hard. That's just what I needed.
I realized that I was very selfish and ignored the fact that every single one of my friends would trade with me if they could.
And I want to apologize. I should never let it build up like that again. I need to find a better way to deal with my anger.
But let me tell you what changed my mind and why I told myself I HAVE TO FIGHT.
My friend Brad came over on sunday with his daughter and grandchild. Brad was the one that donated 2 paintings to me. My friends Loubens bought one of the paintings and let me keep it. He told me I had to put it on my wall and when I'm done with my cancer I could look at it and remember the time I was sick.
I never put it on my wall because it is very heavy and I didn't have the right tools. Brad offered to put it up and I didn't even ask him to. When I was on the wall I fell in love with it right away.
It reminded me on all my friends and family. It reminded me of Chloe and everyone else I have to fight for. It reminded me of my mom and all my friends in germany. It reminded me of my church and my american family. It reminded me of all the things that have been given to me to help me survive.
I won't take it for granted anymore. And the painting will remind me to fight.
Brad didn't have to give me 2 paintings, Loubens didn't have to buy it. All of you who are collecting money for me and buy me groceries, sending me gift cards, money in the mail without a name in the card, flowers. People using their free time to help me pick out a wig, to do a fundraiser. ...I know you do it because you love me. And I won't take it for granted anymore.
This is a learning process for me. I was never sick before. I never had to deal with that many health issues at once before. I'm not perfect and I know all of you know that.
I will try my best to win this fight!
Thanks to everyone for helping me survive!
Stay strong! It sounds like you have a great support group in your friends and family. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThats right keep looking at that picture and remembering all of the HOPE, FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE, that is out there that people are giving you and that will keep you strong.
ReplyDeleteI was so happy to come over and chat with you. you are so sweet and loving and beautiful (even with no hair you make it beautiful) i hope you have gotten a chance to read some of the breast cancer realted bible i left for you... ill come by sat and pick it up and if you want to sit down and read over some of it together i would be more than happy to. not to mention it will be nice to just hang with yopu because even with what you are going through , when i was sitting at your house i was actually feeding off of your strength. thank you for that and thank you for fighting this with all intentions of beating it no matter the odds or what the doctors say... you can beat this and you will.
ReplyDeleteDear friend, I have not met you and as a matter of fact I live across the country but am so moved by the love between you and your friends. I have not personally had cancer and God willing won't but I have worked with cancer patients and survivers for years so I can imagine how you must feel. My mother had breast cancer three times and beat it ever time. I know in my heart her love of live and her love for friends and family got her through it . You sound like a wonderful woman with so much to live for and through hard times and good times trust me when i say giving up sounds easiest but it being strong and fighting that really makes us and others proud. Keep looking at that painting and smiling ever day, walk outside and smile at gods beautiful sunshine and trees and flowers because sometimes when its the toughest is when we really need to look the hardest at what a gift we have everyday just to be able to to wake up smile and say good morning world its me and I'm staying.
ReplyDeleteHi. You don't know me but I got this link through a friend in FaceBook. I really feel for you and what you are going through. I don't have cancer, I have end stage renal failure due to my lifelong battle with Systemic Lupus. I'm on dialysis for the 2nd time in my life and awaiting a much hoped-for kidney transplant. I'm not telling you this to have you feel sorry for me. Just want you to know that I really do "get it". I've wanted to give up and I so understand those moments when it just gets to be too much. I'm so glad you found the will and strength to keep going. Your daughter will need you many times over in ways her dad won't be able to fulfill. Keep working on finding whatever tools you need to pull yourself back from those moments when you feel alone and overwhelmed. What works for someone else may not work for you so you alone have to figure out how to vent the rage that boils up inside. And vent, you must - we are allowed to be angry sometimes, it's an ugly disease you're fighting, and venting will help you avoid the deep despair that comes when you try to bottle/ignore it. Lean on those friends - they really want to help! And, on those days when you are struggling a little more - just keep putting that one foot in front of the other with a little determination that it will have to get better if you make it so.
ReplyDelete