I'm having a very hard time typing this but I'm doing it for all my friends and family, cancer patients and survivors because I want you to know how I feel.
A friend of mine commented on one of my pictures on Fb today. It was a picture of me with long hair, before I got sick. I have not seen her for about a year. She wrote how long my hair has gotten... That was so weird. I wanted to write, that's not me anymore. I'm a different person now. But then I asked myself why I am different without the hair. It's not just the hair, everything is different now. I don't want to think about that right now...
I had chemo 4 days ago. I'm still sick. It's not the same sick though. I can't tell if it's worse or easier it just feels horrible. Only one thing was different this time. I did not have to take the strong pain meds like the first 2 times. I actually choose not to. It didn't make a difference other than that I saved myself from the side effects from the pain meds. I think that was very smart of me. People easily take medications for all kinds of discomfort. Sometimes you just need some Ginger Ale, honey or a hot tea. I'm so glad my mom raised me that way. Because this is how it would usually go: I feel nauseated, take medications for that-that gives me heartburn, so I take something for the heartburn-that gives me constipation, take something for that-gives me an upset stomach!!!
I learned that there is no help for me for about 5 days after chemo. I just have to feel miserable and no pill can fix it. But god wouldn't give me anything I can't handle.
The only thing I don't know how to handle are the nightmares. I found out that not only the narcotics give me nightmares but the chemo drugs itself too. Or it might be just a mental thing, I don't think I will ever find out.
Last night I was dreaming that I was on a roller coaster. My friend was there too. I was falling off and he was pulling me back. That went on for hours. I never liked roller coasters.
I'm having a hard time eating this time. The last 2 times I gained weight and was eating everything. This time a drink of water makes my stomach upset. I'm starting to get really hungry now because I was never a "diet kind of girl" I try really hard to drink enough water. The chemo makes the water taste horrible right now.
I can't wait to get better. I want to be able to take care of myself again. I feel like I have been sick for 3 months. Maybe 2 more days...
HALF WAY THERE!!! Now you're on the down slope on the way to the chemo finish line. Dani, you are strong, probably stronger than you ever realized you could be and I want you to know how much I admire your strength and courage. I know none of this has been easy - not one single thing. Yet, you get up everyday, get going and face square in the eye every new challenge thrown your way. Most people would crumble with half of what you've experienced. But not you. You shine!! Keep fighting like a girl, Dani!! You're going to beat this cancer beast! And, I'll be standing there when you do (and all the days until then)cheering you on to victory!! Love and huge hugs, Elaine
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