Holy crap we had over 10.000 visitors!! That's unbelievable! And I know it wasn't me clicking on that blog 10.000 times! That's incredible...I don't know what to say!
You read my title. I'm dreaming and I'm living...and all I'm holding on to is tomorrow.
I only have 5 more sessions of Radiation. It has been a rough couple of weeks. I feel my body getting very weak. I thought it would be easy but honestly it isn't. I don't get anything done because I'm so exhausted.
I sleep 8 hours and I'm drained by 3pm. I'm not very motivated to do anything and my memory is getting very bad. My skin on my chest, under my arm and on my back that has been radiated is black and peeling off. It's itchy and is getting irritated. I'm not complaining because I take that any day over chemo.
5 more treatments and I'm done. I should be so excited but it's such a bittersweet feeling. More bitter than anything, actually. I was suppose to be done with my treatment now. I was suppose to be a cancer survivor. I know my friend Elaine would say we are all survivors, but I'm not. I will never survive this cancer. It's a part of me now and it will never go away.
Sometimes I ask myself how I got myself into this mess. How did I end up in a country so far away from home with a child and cancer?
I know tomorrow I will get emails and phone calls from friends worrying about me. I don't want this post to sound sad or depressed. I'm ok. Just ok. As ok as someone in my situation can be.
You all already know how honest I am about the way I feel so I will not pretend that everything is perfect.
It's sad. It's scary and it's drowning me at times. So all I can do is swim. And fight.
My bones have been hurting me so much lately. The doctors don't know why but I already know the answer. Nobody wants to point the finger at it. There is a disease in my bones, of course it hurts.
I still hate taking medications and I just can't get used to it. Even though that's what the doctors recommend. I mean what else can they tell me? But I feel like if I numb it I don't have control over it.
So I lay there at night thinking my bones are about to break.
All I have been doing lately is going to the doctors. I was suppose to go to germany after my radiation treatment but my application for a travel document was rejected. That would have been the perfect opportunity to get away and clear my head. I guess it wasn't meant to be and god has different plans for me. All I want now is to get my energy back. To find a job, a new apartment and some peace over this situation. I wish I could just forget about it sometimes. Turn it off and not talk about it. It seems like people can read it in my eyes. I went to publix the other day and the cashier asked, "what hospital do you go to?" I looked at him confused and he says: "my wife had breast cancer, she beat it and you will too" Well actually I won't...I wish people would be more educated about that subject. I know I can't expect that from everyone, I just know words can hurt so bad sometimes. I can't stand hearing stories from people that have been survivors for 35 years. I know it's mean but I'm just tired of hearing it. I just want to go back to those people who told me I will be fine this summer and say I'M NOT FINE!
I'm very worried about my daughters future. That's all what's on my mind lately. Her and my love is growing so much every day. It will break her heart...it will destroy her little soul, my poor baby.
Sometimes I think if I would pass when she is younger it will be easier for her. I compare it to my childhood. My grandmother passed when I was 4. I was very close to her and remember when she died. But it was never a painful memory. I think it would have been different if I was 8 or 10.
I'm trying to enjoy every day with her. I'm trying to teach her how to be a strong independent child.
The other day we went to the park. She was playing on the monkey bars. She was holding onto the bar for a while and suddenly just let go of it. She knew I was there to catch her now matter what...what will she do when I'm not there to catch her anymore??
I'm giving my best to keep my spirits up. This is just a very sensitive time for me. Life was suppose to be normal again for me. This was suppose to be the time for me to celebrate that god gave me a second chance.
I don't know what time it is now...
When I look back at the past 8 months I'm so proud of myself. I raised awareness, I educated, I came to my faith, found Jesus, I spoke in the name of god, I went through 4 1/2 months of chemo, 6 Neulesta shots, 2 surgeries, 32 treatments of radiation, hormone therapy...I survived. But now what?
I wish I could take the burden off my shoulder for just 5 min to feel normal again. And I know every single one of you would do it for me if they could.
I will figure it out somehow, one day. One day at a time and 5 more days of radiation!
I hope everyone is getting excited about easter. I know I am. Holidays are so much more special now that Chloe understands what's going on. She saw the easter bunny at the mall the other day. The look in her face was priceless. I can't wait to take her easter egg hunting.
I also want to thank everyone for the encouraging words and the love on my blog. Like I said before, words can be so powerful.
And to all my friends that are reading this, I'm not depressed at all. This is just something that I have to work out with myself. I don't know how to live with cancer and the metastasis is still like a new diagnosis to me even though I was diagnosed in December. It's just a hard pill to swallow.
But I will be ok.
