Monday, July 30, 2012

One year anniversary!

It's been so long since I updated this blog. Sometimes I just want to give up on it because writing is so hard for me. Taking pictures or baking is so much easier.
But then I see people sharing my blog on FB or I get emails from people encouraging me to write more. So be it!
4th of July will always be a twisted date for me. Not for the reason most of americans celebrate it. It's because on 4th of July of last year I was normal. My life was normal, my health was very good and my plans for the future were very big. The 5th of July is when everything just broke down because of a simple phone have cancer.
So I've been fighting this monster for over a year now. I had good days but I had more bad days.
The pain and the fear is what pushed me down all along. There is nothing I was able to do to get rid of it. Sometimes I hear stories about people who have cancer and live a normal life. Keep their jobs, raise their kids and do all the cancer treatments they are suppose to do. I have met some of those women. Some were stage 1 or 2 breast cancer. I have never met anyone with terminal cancer, nobody who is young like me. If I could meet that person I would only have one question "how do you survive?"
Right now it's probably the worst time of my cancer journey. The doctors are using the strongest pain medications, chemo is every week, radiation in between, scans...what if we run out? That's what I'm asking myself every day.
Because I have been in so much pain lately I have thought about death more and more. We always ask ourselves what heaven is like. I imagine it as a place like this life. Who says I would lose Chloe or people that I love? Maybe they are just waiting on the other side. But I still hold on to this life...don't know why, it just seems the right thing to do.
I had more and more conversations with friends about stopping my treatment. That means people feel me suffering and feel my pain. And they are giving up on me...I'm not hurt by that. I wouldn't want any of my friends to hurt like that. The problem is just that we don't know. We don't know what gods plan is. Maybe one day I will wake up from this nightmare and all the cancer will be gone?
I talked to a therapist a year ago and she told me over 50% of advanced or terminal cancer patients commit suicide. I completely understand. But that is not an option for me. I don't want Chloe to live with that for the rest of her life.
Right now nothing makes really sense. I have a good life, I love my family, making new friends and I have everything my heart desires. But I don't have the health to enjoy it.
I'm doing Chemo every week and it's still hard on me. You would think my body would be used to it by now but that is not the case. I still have the nightmares, the pain, the dark feeling like a demon is taking over my body. And I still can't really put it in words.
I miss those days where I would just get up and go. Get a coffee, shopping for clothes or go to the beach. I feel like I'm a prisoner of my own body. And I try. I get up and try to make it outside...but then I get a fever or an infection in return.
Death sounds so good sometimes.
Sometimes I look at pictures of my girlfriends on FB and wish that was a normal life, I gave up that dream a long time ago. And a couple of months ago I was taking it day by day, now I'm taking it hour by hour. I know those 700 pills a day is what keeps me running. It also gives me horrible side effects. I'm not myself anymore, I lost the real me somewhere on the way. Now I'm just here, trying to survive. Trying to get into my child's memory so she won't forget her mother. Almost pathetic.
I know my friends love me very much and want me around for a very long time, but I feel like this is coming to an end. I don't see the purpose for this anymore.
I hope everyone learned how strong cancer can be. I was a very strong person but it broke me down.
Some things we just have to leave up to god...

Friday, June 1, 2012

terminal illness

What does it mean when you have a terminal illness? I can tell you all about it...or not. It means your illness will get you, sooner or later. The doctors can give you a time frame but that means absolutely nothing. Just like statistics for that specific illness. Because you can die sooner, later or just live for another 20 years. But once I know for sure and nobody could ever question or deny this. It's so scary it takes your breath away. It feels like a killer is in a room next to you with a knife and its just a matter of time until he finds you. Imagine how you would feel. You want to cry but can't because you don't want to make a noise. You don't want to breathe. You feel paralyzed. There is nothing you can protect yourself with and there is nobody who could help you. You alone, door on door with the enemy. That's how it feels. And then when you realize it's just an imagination you cry and cry because it seems so unfair.
Nobody wants to die. No matter how miserable your life is, nobody wants to go into the unknown. Leaving the known behind. Wondering if we will just disappear for ever. Like we never existed. Or if we will burn in hell because we broke the rules. There is not enough time to make up for the things we did when we didn't know better.
As for me I'm not scared anymore. I'm just heartbroken and so sad for my child. I just don't understand it.
I will never question god. He made us and he has the right to take us but it seems so cruel.
I know it will break her little spirit forever. I grew up without a dad but I could not imagine it without my mom. And she is a mommy's girl. Don't get me wrong, she loves her daddy but at the end of the day she comes back to the one she loves the most. We have a bond that I can not describe. It started before she was born. It's a bond nobody could ever replace. So what will happen to her.
My last scan was bad-horrible. I did not expect that at all. Especially not after I was getting so much better after I came home from the hospital. It's in my lung, almost replaced my bone marrow and it's gotten worse in my bones. And it's really hard to treat because my blood counts are not very good. The cancer makes it low and so does the chemo. The blood transfusions don't least very long. So it's almost a race with time. But how much time do I have? Hopefully enough so I can tell my mom goodbye. Enough to prepare the things for Chloe. The doctor told me to do it as long as I still can.
I feel my hands and legs getting weaker, like they want to give up. I realize how strong I used to be.
Now I feel like glass. I lost so much weight and it doesn't feel right. If it was the healthy way I would be happy but this is just not right. My muscles are hanging and my skin is loose. Every body part is sensitive to the touch. It feels like it wants to give up and drop but I keep going. Because I have to, somehow.
In my mind there is a little fire. It's so tiny you would never see it. It's called hope. It talks to me sometimes but it's so hard to hear because its just as weak as me. Sometimes I can hear it. It says "don't give up Dani, maybe the Chemo will work this time and you might get your miracle" Then I smile and start to believe that I can be one of the people that have been healed by god.
Then I get more bad news from the doctors and the voice is forgotten. And I keep going to prepare everything for the end...
My pastor said sometimes god sees something in your future that will happen to you that's so horrible he wants to protect you from it that's why he takes you away. But something still doesn't add up...that baby girl. Should I just trust everyone that they will protect her and look over her like I would? But how could I give up on my own child?
A terminal illness is brutal. Cancer is brutal. It's so powerful, evil, nasty. Just like the devil.
I'm not scared of dying. Even though I'm only 27 I lived a wonderful life. It wasn't always easy but I always loved life and made the best of it. Since I was a child. And I know I changed peoples lives. I wrote a little bit of history so people might remember me for a while. I made people understand the meaning of live and appreciate every day. It's a wonderful feeling.
I still won't give up. As long as this heart is beating strong I will keep pushing. I will fight every day and enjoy the time I have with my daughter!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Dream as you'll live forever-live as you'll die tomorrow!

Holy crap we had over 10.000 visitors!! That's unbelievable! And I know it wasn't me clicking on that blog 10.000 times! That's incredible...I don't know what to say!

You read my title. I'm dreaming and I'm living...and all I'm holding on to is tomorrow.
I only have 5 more sessions of Radiation. It has been a rough couple of weeks. I feel my body getting very weak. I thought it would be easy but honestly it isn't. I don't get anything done because I'm so exhausted.
I sleep 8 hours and I'm drained by 3pm. I'm not very motivated to do anything and my memory is getting very bad. My skin on my chest, under my arm and on my back that has been radiated is black and peeling off. It's itchy and is getting irritated. I'm not complaining because I take that any day over chemo.
5 more treatments and I'm done. I should be so excited but it's such a bittersweet feeling. More bitter than anything, actually. I was suppose to be done with my treatment now. I was suppose to be a cancer survivor. I know my friend Elaine would say we are all survivors, but I'm not. I will never survive this cancer. It's a part of me now and it will never go away.
Sometimes I ask myself how I got myself into this mess. How did I end up in a country so far away from home with a child and cancer?
I know tomorrow I will get emails and phone calls from friends worrying about me. I don't want this post to sound sad or depressed. I'm ok. Just ok. As ok as someone in my situation can be.
You all already know how honest I am about the way I feel so I will not pretend that everything is perfect.
It's sad. It's scary and it's drowning me at times. So all I can do is swim. And fight.
My bones have been hurting me so much lately. The doctors don't know why but I already know the answer. Nobody wants to point the finger at it. There is a disease in my bones, of course it hurts.
I still hate taking medications and I just can't get used to it. Even though that's what the doctors recommend. I mean what else can they tell me? But I feel like if I numb it I don't have control over it.
So I lay there at night thinking my bones are about to break.
All I have been doing lately is going to the doctors. I was suppose to go to germany after my radiation treatment but my application for a travel document was rejected. That would have been the perfect opportunity to get away and clear my head. I guess it wasn't meant to be and god has different plans for me. All I want now is to get my energy back. To find a job, a new apartment and some peace over this situation. I wish I could just forget about it sometimes. Turn it off and not talk about it. It seems like people can read it in my eyes. I went to publix the other day and the cashier asked, "what hospital do you go to?" I looked at him confused and he says: "my wife had breast cancer, she beat it and you will too" Well actually  I won't...I wish people would be more educated about that subject. I know I can't expect that from everyone, I just know words can hurt so bad sometimes. I can't stand hearing stories from people that have been survivors for 35 years. I know it's mean but I'm just tired of hearing it. I just want to go back to those people who told me I will be fine this summer and say I'M NOT FINE!
I'm very worried about my daughters future. That's all what's on my mind lately. Her and my love is growing so much every day. It will break her will destroy her little soul, my poor baby.
Sometimes I think if I would pass when she is younger it will be easier for her. I compare it to my childhood. My grandmother passed when I was 4. I was very close to her and remember when she died. But it was never a painful memory. I think it would have been different if I was 8 or 10.
I'm trying to enjoy every day with her. I'm trying to teach her how to be a strong independent child.
The other day we went to the park. She was playing on the monkey bars. She was holding onto the bar for a while and suddenly just let go of it. She knew I was there to catch her now matter what...what will she do  when I'm not there to catch her anymore??
I'm giving my best to keep my spirits up. This is just a very sensitive time for me. Life was suppose to be normal again for me. This was suppose to be the time for me to celebrate that god gave me a second chance.
I don't know what time it is now...
When I look back at the past 8 months I'm so proud of myself. I raised awareness, I educated, I came to my faith, found Jesus, I spoke in the name of god, I went through 4 1/2 months of chemo, 6 Neulesta shots, 2 surgeries, 32 treatments of radiation, hormone therapy...I survived. But now what?
I wish I could take the burden off my shoulder for just 5 min to feel normal again. And I know every single one of you would do it for me if they could.
I will figure it out somehow, one day. One day at a time and 5 more days of radiation!
I hope everyone is getting excited about easter. I know I am. Holidays are so much more special now that Chloe understands what's going on. She saw the easter bunny at the mall the other day. The look in her face was priceless. I can't wait to take her easter egg hunting.

I also want to thank everyone for the encouraging words and the love on my blog. Like I said before, words can be so powerful.
And to all my friends that are reading this, I'm not depressed at all. This is just something that I have to work out with myself. I don't know how to live with cancer and the metastasis is still like a new diagnosis to me even though I was diagnosed in December. It's just a hard pill to swallow.
But I will be ok.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I would like to dedicate this post to a couple people in my life.

There was I in July of 2011. I still remember the phone call that changed everything. It was in the afternoon and I was home alone, not expecting a phone call from the hospital. Chloe was taking a nap. I was so sure it was just a cyst, or whatever else you can have in your breast. Not cancer, not me. I have been healthy all my life, I couldn't get cancer. I was way too young for breast cancer. So I thought...
"I'm sorry and I wish you the best Mrs. Hughey" that's all I heard. After that I could only hear white noise.
My head started spinning. Maybe they made a mistake. I starred at the aqua blue accent wall for 30 min. Couldn't move. My throat was on fire. I couldn't even cry.
I was so confused. I tried to recall everything I learned about cancer in school. My head was spinning.
All I could think about was Chloe. Who would take care of her if I die? I looked down to my chest.
A tumor in my body? I just couldn't believe it, that only happens in movies. I felt like I was in a wrong movie. Then I just broke down and started crying...I didn't want to die!

Then weeks later I realized I had to face it. Find a doctor, find answers and treatment. That was almost impossible without insurance. I had insurance the year before but couldn't afford it anymore after my husband and I split up. I called different hospitals, doctors, charities. Nothing. Nobody wanted to help me.
I was ready to just give up. What was my other option?
So god send me one of his angels. His name is Loubens. He sat on the phone for hours and hours and did not take no for an answer. Until he finally found someone who was willing to help me.
Her name is Sue Nessbaum. She is with the "we care program" in Jacksonville. She called me at 9pm and left me a message. I will never forget what she said: "you don't have to worry anymore, we will take care of you" I knew right there I was in good hands.
I thank god for those two incredible doctors who have shown that their passion is to save lives.
That was the beginning of my journey.

I had no idea where to start. I couldn't even pronounce the word oncologist. I had no idea how cancer was treated or how Chemotherapy works. All I wondered was how long I had to live.
I went online. Tried to do research. Tried to figure out what stage cancer I was. The statistics were not very promising. I had about a 50/50 chance of survival. That meant maybe I would die, maybe not.

I couldn't understand any of the medical terms, specifics, reports. Didn't understand which doctor did what.
Didn't know what they would do to me.
So one day Chloe's great grandma gave me a number to a support group. They are called bosom buddies, a local group founded by a breast cancer survivor named Bobbi. They have breast cancer advocates who are cancer survivors as well. I called them right away. I had so many questions and needed help.
I remember talking to Lauren. She was so caring and wanted to help me. That was the first time someone said to me "I'm so sorry you have to go through this"
She matched me with Elaine.  The most loving and caring person in the world. We connected instantly.
She has been on my side ever since. Came to almost every single appointment with me. Has been to every chemo treatment. Brought me presents, flowers, books, socks, food...anything you can imagine a cancer patient would need. She cried with me, she laughed with me, yelled at me when I wanted to give up. Educated me and stood up for me, supported me educating others. Loved me unconditionally,
was on my side-always.
Motivated me to keep on going. Prayed with me...

Then I started to run out of money. I had no idea what I could do to support myself and my daughter.
I couldn't qualify for any government benefits because I'm not a US citizen. I didn't get any support from any charity either. I thought I would be homeless.
That's when my friend Pedro stepped in. He helped me pay some of my bills and created my online donation account. After that people started to get the idea of doing fundraisers for me. I didn't have to worry about money anymore and was able to focus on getting through my chemotherapy.

That's when I met an incredible strong and sometimes crazy person. I don't know how else I could describe her. My friend Michelle. I have never seen so much fire in somebodies eyes. She was on a mission after she saw me and nobody can stop her till this day. One day I will have to write a separate post just about her. I never had a dull moment with her. She made sure I had every single pink item during breast cancer awareness month, she made sure I had eyebrows during my chemo, she was the reason I even finished chemo! She made me my favorite food, which is spinach, eggs sunny side up and mashed potatoes.
She collected money for me from people who probably never donated a cent in their life.
And she always made me laugh.
I remember one specific night after my 4th cycle of chemo. We were sitting on my couch trying to figure out which roots and leaves I had to eat for pain management because I refused pain pills. I was laughing so hard I forgot all about my pain.

I also have another crazy friend. She is not there all the time but if I go through a painful procedure like surgery she drops everything and comes flying. Her name is Sinem. She is the only one crying in the waiting room while I'm in surgery. She also tells me to wear socks in 90 degree weather. A real friend.
She also complains all the time. She tells me I have to listen because I'm her friend...LOL

And then there is my little sunshine. She shines all day long...sometimes all night too.
She is the funniest person I have ever known.
She keeps my life together. I know I have to be strong for her. I get up every morning so she can have a normal life. I don't take pills so I can function right for her. It's so worth it.
I let her see all my emotions. I cry when I don't feel good. She kisses my face to make me feel better.
She kisses all my scars because that's what we do for each other when one of us has a "boo boo"
But I will never let the cancer hurt her. I'm a brick wall shielding her from it. I will not let her miss one day outside in the park or a birthday party. I will not let her get out the house without her hair brushed or clean clothes even when I can barely dress myself. I make sure she gets dinner even if the smell of food makes me sick. And I do not let anyone else take my role.
Her love is the best cancer treatment I can possibly receive. Without her I am lost.

After I was diagnosed I was drawn to a specific church. You could think I went there because it's close to where I live. I think it was a calling. I could probably name 200 people in that church that helped me.
Christians who are not only christians "by name".
Wonderful selfless, caring and loving people. People who helped me find the way to Jesus. There are not just people anymore. I call them my church family.

In Crossroad that's where I met Melissa and Barbara. Where do I start? They love free deserts and they would do anything to get them. Even use the name of Jesus for it...and then they end up feeling bad and pay for it.
They worry about me all the time. Make sure I have food all the time. They are also the reason I gained 20 pounds during chemo. They make sure I don't EVER get bored.
Sometimes they ask the leasing office manager if they can pass the gate to my apartment complex or sometimes they just run it over with their car.
There is so much I could say about those two women. But I would probably get in trouble. So all I'm going to say is that I love them from the bottom of my heart. They inspire me to be strong and make sure I have everything I need and beyond.

The last person I want to mention is somebody who just recently came into my life.
He is different. He is outside the box. Makes me look at things from a different perspective. Doesn't take no for an answer.
Before I met him I knew this disease will get me one day. Now I think there might be hope for me to be cured. He made me look beyond the knowledge of cancer I had. He gave me the promise not to leave my side through this journey. The best thing you can tell someone who has cancer.
His name is Chris.
Some people might say it's a coincidence we met-again. I call it destiny. He came into my life for a reason.

I could go on and on.
The people that I mentioned are the ones who made me the strong person I am today.
And I will fight so one day I can give back.

Life has not been easy for me but I have build a Fort around me with people who love me. They can not take away my cancer but they will protect me from everything else.
I think the world is witnessing one of gods miracles, they just don't know it yet.

Why me? For no reason. It's not about me. It's about faith, love and positive attraction.
Think about it.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Welcome back!

It has been a very long time since I've updated this blog. I had to set it on private for personal reasons and then I stopped writing. So many people asked me about it and wanted me to start writing again. I wanted to give up on it for a while because I have a very hard time expressing myself in english and sometimes it takes me hours to write one post.
The reason why I'm making this blog public again is a message from a person I received a while ago. I don't know who she is or how old she is, the only thing I know is that she has cancer and that she said my blog gives her hope. And if I can change one persons life I will sacrifice my time and keep writing posts with bad grammar. You asked for it ;)
So many things happened. Good things, bad things and horrible things. I don't really know where to start.
I don't even remember the day anymore when I was diagnosed. People ask me "didn't the time just fly by, look how far you have come" No actually I feel like I had cancer for 25 years now.
Maybe I should start with the positive things that happened or changed since I have been diagnosed.
I have met some incredible people. All ages, ethnicity, religion. I found the good in people again. For me it seems like if someone is that vulnerable like me people have a natural instinct of trying to protect the other person. It is in our nature unless you are an evil person. And thanks to Facebook I've gotten so much support from all over the world, even from people who couldn't stand me years ago.
I learned to let go of the people who didn't care enough and hold on to those who do. I've learned where happiness comes from and what unconditional love means. I learned how a positive attitude can change everything and everyone around me.
I changed from a follower to a leader. I grew stronger.
But of course with cancer there are more bad moments than good. I can not tell you how sick and tired I am of hospitals and doctors. Scans, tests, treatments, drugs and decisions. Every time I think that I just had the worst procedure possible, they put me through something more traumatic. And it's not the physical pain, it's a mental thing. Best example is my bone biopsy. How often do you have someone drill through your spine? That reminds me of a horror movie! It will take me a very long time to get over that.

After they have told me that my breast cancer has spread to my bones it changed my life forever. Before there was a chance for me to live a normal life but now I know nothing will ever be normal again.
At first I was done. I planned on getting ready to die. I expected my treatment to fail and believed the doctor who told me I had 2-10 years to live. I was ok with that. I thought I had a good life and knew at least I was going to heaven. Until one day I looked at my daughter and thought, who will fix her hair for prom? Her dad doesn't know how to do that. If you know me and my daughter than you will know I don't let many people touch her hair. She has very beautiful hair and I want it to stay that way. I cut it myself since she was a baby.
Then I thought who will teach her how to ride a bike or to swim? Who will teach her german or how to count? Who will be there to tell her she can't date until she is 35? Who will tell her how important she is and special. So I said, I need 16 years. That's my goal. I want to see her go to college and know that she will be able to take care of herself. That's all I'm asking for. And if it's in a wheelchair, I don't care.
My little girl needs her mom and I will fight to make sure I'm here for every important event in her life.

Right now I don't have a plan for the future. I don't even have a plan for tomorrow. I know god has a plan so I stopped planing.

Radiation is the next step. It kind of has a bitter feeling to it. This was suppose to be the last step. I was suppose to be done after that. Now I'm still trying to find peace with the fact that I will have cancer for the rest of my life. I hated it before, now I want to get along with it. I want to say: "hey cancer, we are kind of stuck together now so can we please get along? Can you please stop hurting me and just stay where you are so I don't have to tell the doctors to cut some of you out? I know you are stronger but if I die, you'll die with me." Weird I know...

I have more and more the desire to find the purpose of life. I research different theories and religions. I do have a little to much time on my hand and REALLY need to find a job now since I'm starting to feel better so I don't drive myself nuts. Because there are some crazy theories out there.

The best way for me to handle all this is to help others. Maybe it distracts me from my own sufferings, who knows.

I hope everyone is having a good week.
I promise to keep up with this blog again.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Fitness and Health during treatments by David Haas

Fitness and Health during treatments

Cancer patients must undergo various treatments and surgeries. During these times, many of them may feel discouraged from doing any physical activity or participating in any programs. However, it is during these times that being physically active is the most important thing that a cancer patient can do for himself.

After being diagnosed with cancer, it is very easy for the patient to feel like he has lost control of his life. Suddenly everything he knows is challenged; life itself seems vastly different than just a few days prior to being diagnosed. This feeling of losing control can severely affect a cancer patient's mindset, especially a patient with a rare or aggressive cancer, such as mesothelioma.

While fitness benefits cancer patients in any stage, such as diagnoses and remission, it mostly benefits patients who are currently undergoing treatment. Fitness won't cure the cancer, but it can greatly aid the body. Radiation treatment and surgery can hurt healthy tissues and cells while killing the cancer cells. This forces the body to work overtime to repair itself. As a result, the patient may feel extremely fatigued, nauseous and tired at the same time. However, fitness can help combat these side effects, greatly improving the patient's health quality and well-being.

There are other ways that fitness helps cancer patients, as well. Exercise keeps the body's functions working properly, not allowing them to become weak. Such systems include the respiratory, circulatory and immune system. Additionally, exercises purge harmful toxins from the body. Detoxification is essential for feeling healthy and having more energy.

Cancer clinics understand just how important fitness is to cancer patients. Therefore, they have incorporated various fitness programs into their overall therapy program. They also understand that different cancer patients will require different exercise routines. Many cancer clinics employ personal trainers who also understand cancer patients' specific needs.

This article also lists some important reasons why fitness is important for cancer patients. Never allow cancer to bring you down. There are ways to help yourself.

By: David Haas

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

next chemo earlier than expected

I'm finally starting to feel better. Unfortunately I have stacked up my planner like there is no tomorrow. Now I'm running on reserve battery. I have to take it easy. I really feel the need to relax, take baths, use a hot tub, listen to relaxing music and just to recover. I never had that feeling before, I always kept myself busy. My next chemo treatment is wednesday. Two days early, usually I run 2 or 3 days late.
I'm not ready yet.
I was reading a book today that my friend gave me. It's called "heaven is for real"
I don't know if you have read it or heard about it. It's about a 4 year old boy who had emergency surgery and months later his parents found out that he was talking about Jesus and his angels in heaven. He was telling them that he left his body and went to heaven. I thought the book was kind of boring and I kept skipping to the parts where he was talking about heaven. Didn't sound very believable to me but then something caught my attention. In the middle of the book there were some pictures of the little boy and his family and a drawing of Jesus. The drawing is called "Prince of Peace"  by Akiane Kramarik
I was shocked when I saw it.
I don't know if you remember my post from when I had a dream about god. This is what I wrote 8/10/11:
 I was always very religious, that's how I have been raised but didn't have a good relationship with god. Now I feel closer to him than ever. Don't ask me why. I can feel him right next to me all the time. Last night I was even dreaming of him. I know this might sound totally insane but it's true. He had dark hair and a dark beard. I couldn't believe that I was able to see him. I always imagined an old man with grey hair and a grey beard. But he looked so strong and powerful. I was kind of scared of him but my heart was so warm because I felt the love for him. He was not smiling and he was worried about something. And he said, don't worry child. I didn't want to go back because I knew I was safe with him, but he sent me back. I woke up and saw my daughter.

So I was obviously talking about god. You have to know I'm from a catholic background. God, Jesus and the holy spirit are one person.
The picture of Jesus by Akiane Kramarik was the same as god looked like in my dream.

This is the picture. I have never seen it before. It looks scary but comforting at the same time.
I was thinking for days about that dream. There was something I was trying to remember about him but I just didn't know what it was. Something was sticking out that I tried to lock into my memory forever.
It was his eyes. He had eyes I have never seen on a human before. The little boy in the book decried his eyes too. He said to his dad "you should have seen his eyes"
A friend told me today nothing is a coincidence.
I saw Jesus in my dream. I was worried one day I will forget his face. Now I have a picture of him.
This is how I believed Jesus looked like all my life:

When I look at the first picture it gives me peace.