So it's the day before chemo I had to take steroids again...and as clumsy, (or what's the opposite of smart?) as I am I realized that I was not taking the right dose the first two times!!! It says take 2 pills 2 times per day...it just had to many 2's in one sentence. I really hope my doctors don't ever read my blog. So the lesson of the day is- call somebody for a second opinion when reading instruction for serious medication.
Anyway, so after finding out that I had to double the dose I was not happy with it. I had minor problems with it before. My face and my mouth gets very swollen from it and I called the doctor and he told me it was just water retention but what we both didn't know was that I was only taking half of what he prescribed. I will tell the chemotherapy nurse about it tomorrow morning just in case to see what she says. Let's just pray I don't choke in my sleep tonight. No that will not happen!!
Another reason why I don't like taking the steroids is because they make me SO hyper. I talk very fast, can't sleep and if I didn't have my daughter tonight I would be probably in the gym running 5 miles.
And the last thing that bothers me is that it increases the appetite...people that know me know I just lost 35 pounds through going to the gym almost every day for about 2 hours. Some of you might say, your life is more important and all you need to do is survive. And that's true and I don't want to complain around so much, all I want to say is that I was not very happy with myself with 35 more pounds. So all I can do now is watch what I eat and work out on those days I feel good. I'm writing this while I'm eating Disney Princesses fruit flavored snacks, naturally and artificially flavored...great.
So tomorrow is halftime. I have everything ready, my bedazzled cup that says "fight like a girl" my pink socks, my knitted hat, my prayer blanket, the get well cards for the other patients at the infusion center, my Disney Princesses artificially snacks, my neckless that says "when you have hope you have everything", my lotion to numb the skin where they stick the disgusting needle in my port and my good spirit.
Me and my girlfriend will rock the infusion center tomorrow! Well until they put the Benadryl into my IV and I go to sleep. That's usually within the first two hours! LOL
Do you want me to tell you how I really feel?
I'm scared to death. People tell me now you are better prepared and know what to expect...no I'm not. Because I know what's coming it's not good. I do it because that's the only thing that will keep me alive.
I just want to cry thinking about it and hide behind my mama so she can save me from it. Like she saved me from everything else when I was little. But I can't, I have to face it on my own. I'm trying to describe chemotherapy over and over again and I just can't find the right words for it. Maybe by the end of my treatment I will be able to. Right now I would compare it to running into a sharp knife. It's the same pain.
For me it feels like dark clouds are coming my way to cover the sun, just like before the storm. I can feel the darkness creeping up and I feel something evil breathing in my ear. I don't know how many of you read Harry Potter. I always think of him before I go to chemo. He kind of described it the same way when he felt the death eaters coming his way.
I know it is good for me and I should look at it but I just can't help it. I think chemo just messes with your head. It does kill the cancer cells but I'm sure it does something to your spirit that they have not discovered yet and maybe never will because there is no scientifically proof for things like that.
And I'm not only talking about the side effects that effect me physically, I'm talking about the things that effect my mentally. And at first I thought maybe I'm just scared but I talked to other cancer patients and survivors and they described the same thing to me.
Being so close to death is just to overwhelming. Just to be confronted with it is just something I was not ready for with my age. And I shouldn't be. God gave me this because he knew I could handle it. And I handled it pretty well so far I think. But it is the hardest thing I had to do in my life.
And I'm so happy to know that I can fall, because I know every single one of you who is reading this right now will be there to catch me!!! I want everyone to know that I'm alive because of every single one of you.
I need you to know one thing about me. I'm very private when it comes to my feelings, I'm not an affectionate person and I don't like people to see my weakness. That's how I have been raised by my mom to protect myself from people taking advantage of me. But because of you I learned to open up, ask for help and open my arms to god and most important to trust in friends, extended family, adopted family and the Lord. I will not give up because I have to live to give other cancer patients this message that there is hope, that you can survive with aggressive cancer and that you can't shut down or try to fight this horrible battle on your own.
Like I said before, I know god has a plan for me I have seen him in my dreams and every time I woke up and my daughter was standing in front of me saying "hey wook it's a mommy" so I know he wants me here to take care of her. I am beyond statistics, numbers, doctors. My mind has wandered into a better place, a place of peace because I know I can survive if my mind and my heart stay at that place.
Today as I was driving home with chloe she was saying something in the backseat and it sounded like a rhyme from a children's song she must have learned in preschool. I turned the radio down because I couldn't hear it. She said: "Mommy, I pray every day" that just made me cry! God is just giving me all those messages, he is right there working very hard.
Believe it or not but I know we all will be witnesses for a great miracle. All of you have a special place in my heart already but trust me you have a special place with him too. Because he sees everything. If you don't believe in god, believe in karma. One day you might be sick too (I hope not) or somebody close to you will be sick, trust me he won't forget!
When you read through my posts you will notice that I came a long way. I became a complete new person. And I'm so proud of that. I finally found myself and found out what I want in life. I realized that I was going into a wrong direction. I finally noticed how mature I am for my age and that I never took advantage of that. I was selling myself for less!
I am far from perfect and need to learn so so many things but I can say that in that time since I have been diagnosed I have gained so much wisdom like a person would in probably 5 years. And I'm thankful for that.
Now I wrote this super long post and this will be probably the last for about a week, as you know after my chemo my brain just won't function like I want it to...unfortunately :(
Don't be mad at me if I just post pictures!!
I wish everybody a great weekend, a good start into the breast cancer awareness month, a happy first of October and if your day goes bad always remember that there is somebody out there who has it worse.
If you want to sign up for the breast cancer walk on the 15th here is the link again. Just remember it's a charity event from the american cancer society and if they ask you for a donation, that money goes to their charity and not to me. If you want to donate money to me, there is a tab at the top of this page that will direct you to my donation page. I'm not trying to say not to donate to them, I'm just saying that because a couple of people donated to them but meant to donate to me.
When you sign up search for team "miles for Dani" and join our team. They will ask for your credit card information but you can just leave everything blank and click on continue. They try to raise as much money as possible and ask everyone for a donation.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?sid=16393&type=fr_informational&pg=informational&fr_id=35986
just click on the highlighted link and it will take you to the registration page!
Hope to see you on the 15th!
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