what a mess!

It's friday night 2am and I can't sleep.
Most of my friends are coming home from the club or a party right about now. Some probably went to a movie or another even. Or were just hanging out somewhere. I wonder how many are going to Denny's or iHop. That's where I should be too.
But I'm laying in bed trying to get some sleep for about 2 hours now so I can go to church to praise the lord and thank him for all the miracles he has given me.
The reason I can't sleep is because I'm having horrible bone pain. It feels like my bones are about to shatter into a million pieces. Do you know that feeling you get in your back when you need to stretch  until you hear a popping sound and then you feel better. Well that's how I feel with every single bone in my body only without being able to pop it or get any kind of relief. My hip and my knees hurt the most.
My head has been hurting for about two days straight now. It's that kind of headache where you can feel the pain down under your eyes and your cheekbones. Way beyond migraine. Pain medicine doesn't make it any better.
Then there is my throat. I have blisters, sores and ulcers in my mouth, on the walls, my tongue and all the way down my throat. Imaging drinking a cup of boiled water mixed with some bleach. I wonder if it goes all the way into my stomach?
It makes it hard to breathe.
Chloe is with her grandparents tonight and I was hoping for a good night sleep. That did not work out, I should have known.
All I can think about is my next chemo and what it will do to me. Have you ever jumped out of an airplane? I know some people do it for fun but I would never do that. But it feels like somebody is pushing my to jump out of that plane. I'm afraid I won't recover before the next treatment and it will totally blow me away. What if I have to be hospitalized or won't be able to get out of bed?
I have to be strong...somehow. I'm doing everything to help my immune system to recover. No stress, vitamins, healthy foods, protein, tea, honey, lots of water and well, trying to get enough sleep. I feel like my times is running. Only 14 more days, I just have to get better.
I'm paranoid about germs now. I never thought I would get that way. I paranoid about what I eat or drink or which places I go to. I just can't take any chances.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel right now but I know eventually there will be.
I hope this doesn't look like I'm trying to get pity, I just want everyone to know how cancer feels like.
I wish everything could be like it used to be. I had a good life and I always appreciated it. I never complained that my car wasn't good enough, that I didn't have enough money, that what I had wasn't good enough, so I know for sure this is not a lesson for me. I still saw the beauty in people, appreciate the nature and cherished what I had. I'm not being punished. A cancer survivor called me this week and said something so interesting and simple. She said god didn't give us cancer for a reason and neither did the devil. It's just an imbalance of the environment we created that randomly broke out in our body. Could have been anyone else. Could have been YOU. But what we make out of it is a different thing because we have control over that.
The only thing I always wonder about is why chemotherapy is so hard on my body? I met women that were twice my age who had almost no symptoms and were able to work and take care of three kids??
I was healthy all my life, never had any health problems and I need people to go to the store for me like I'm 85 years old.
All the breast cancer survivors tell me it will get better, trust me so I trust them.
Now I have heartburn again. Must be from the pain medication I just took. Great.
I took a hydrocodone because I really need to get some sleep tonight. Can't wait to fall asleep to see how I will die in my dream tonight.
My neighbors are so rude. They have techno music blasting at 2.30 am. That doesn't make it any easier!