the night before second chemo

It's 2 am and I can't sleep. So I was on Facebook on my phone, started to write my thoughts of the night but I realized FB wasn't the right place to do so. I'm really glad sometimes that I have this blog where I can write down my thoughts which makes my family and friends happy because they want to know that I'm ok and it can also be useful to people who want to know what to expect.
I'm doing good tonight. I'm at a happy place, strong, knowing that I have hundreds of people standing behind me. This time is different than the last time. The last time I didn't know what to expect, my friends also didn't know how they can help. On top of that my support team has doubled. I feel like I'm going to war tomorrow and my support team is standing right behind me, with strong arms, ready to catch me when I fall. And I expect to fall. And it's ok if I do...I have the right to because I have cancer. It took me a while to except that and not feeling guilty about excepting help. And there is no doubt that I will return it one day. That's what I live for. I want to be an inspiration, an role model and somebodies hope.
Right now I just want to go down on my knees and thank god for allowing me to see another day. I want to be a better christian. I think sometimes maybe this was gods way of telling me I need to do better in life. Not that I was a bad person but I wasn't doing anything for my community. I might have been a good friend for some people but maybe that wasn't enough.
I have learned so much in my church even though I have only been going for a couple of weeks. It's sad that I have to say that but without me being sick I would have never made that experiance.
I met so many great people. I'm sure many of them will be friends for life. I found out who truly cares about me and who doesn't. I realized that I'm worth so much more than I thought. I saw the good in people again.
I have been blessed with all the people who are giving me donations, sending me gift cards, gas cards, get better cards, books, dvd's, food, scarfs, and so so so much more. My friend said to me, that's god taking care of you. Sometimes I don't even know how those people heard of me and they offer their help.
It's just amazing to me. I don't see this cancer as an end, I see it as a chance to become somebody better, a better person, a better friend and a better mom.
I cherish every moment with my friends because in the back of my head I still think it might be the last time I see them. Just like I said before, tomorrow is not garanteed so don't take anybody for granted.
Dealing with my physical changes has been very hard on me. I don't see myself in the mirror anymore. It's so hard. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It's so obvious now that I have cancer. I see it in peoples eyes when they look at me. I see them wonder and it makes me uncomfortable.
I'm trying to make the best out of wigs, scarfs and hats. I signed up for a program from the american cancer society. I think it's called look good feel better. They teach you how to use scarfs and how to find the proper wig. They also show you how to care for your face and nails after chemo. They have certefied cosmotologists who show you how to draw your eyebrows after they fall out and what products to use.
I'm very excited about that. I knew about it for a while but I thought I wouldn't need it because I've always knew how to do my make up. Until my face started to change...now I need help.
I am very scared that something will happen that I'm not prepared for. Like a different side effect or another infection. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly.
Since I have been home for a while now and couldn't work I had plenty of time to think about the future. I want to use this time off to make a plan for after my cancer. I don't want to go back to my old lifestyle and don't want to have jobs here and there. I want to get my degree translated as long as my funds allow me to and be able to use it either as it is or find out what I have to do to get to where I want to be. I'm tired of wasting my time and my education I had. I know I can do better!
Tonight I met a person who asked me about my condition and my stage. I explained to him that my survival chance is only 20%, his respond was "that's what they say" and he is so right. It might be a statistic but there have been so many miracles. Doctors have told people they will die and 10 years later they were still alive. As long as you fight and don't give yourself up there is always hope. Once you lay in bed and shut down your body will get a signal from your brain to shut down too. And I was there at some point and my friends helped me to get to where I am today. I feel like if I let myself die people will die with me and that's just not happening.
I ask myself every day why me? I know one day I will understand.