finally some good news!

I'm trying so hard to upload a video on here but it's just not working. At first I thought it might be my slow internet connection but I left my computer on all night and it still didn't upload. My friend is blaming it on Apple, lol He is coming over tomorrow to help me figure this out. I'm also trying to upload it through Youtube, that might work better.

The video was suppose to be before this post but I just couldn't wait and so many people wrote me on Facebook and wanted to know what's going on. As you know I had an important appointment with my oncologist to get all my test results. I was so scared because I just felt like the cancer has spread to all my body parts. Every day I felt a new lump, on my leg, on my head and I always thought it was another tumor. Thankfully my friend Sinem came with me this morning because I was freaking out.
And the doctor said...dam dam dam...there was no other tumor found in my body!!! I was so happy. I felt like he told me I was healed. So I figured that was my biggest fear the whole time. Because what do you do if you have to get more than one surgery? I don't know how I would handle it.
Now the results don't give me a 100% guarantee that there are no cancer cells wandering in my body. There is no test to find that out. But since I'm doing a very aggressive chemotherapy it will hopefully take care of it and I won't have to worry about it anymore. There will always be a fear of it coming back though. That's something people who had cancer have to deal with for the rest of their life.

So me and my friend went out and celebrated. I almost feel cancer free. Everybody was very happy for me. My mom sent me a very long email. She told me how proud she was that I'm so strong and she told me that she wants to try to come to the US somehow to support me. She is even learning english.

This is the first time since a very long time that I have felt like my old happy self. While me and my friend were sitting at Starbucks this afternoon I was thinking...life is great. This happened for a reason. God is giving me a gift. A gift of maturity, a gift of friendship and love. Let me explain what I mean by that. I have learned to see life differently. My friend took me to the dinner theatre. And I was sitting there and thinking, what if the doctor tells me I don't have much longer to live. So I leaned back and enjoyed the moment. I was not thinking about my cancer, or that I have not mopped my kitchen floor, or about bills I have to pay. It was wonderful, I enjoyed the moment and I was happy. Then I thought, why not live like that every day? Stop worrying about all that stuff, your broken car, money, kids, relationships because tomorrow is not guaranteed. You think because I have cancer I have a higher chance of dying? You are wrong, tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone. Think about it! I wish I could give everyone that gift I just got without all of you going through this disease. I wish everyone would understand what I understand today.
Friendship. That's another gift I got. I've met so many great people in such a short time. People that I would have never met if I didn't have cancer. Doctors, nurses, patients, people that have always been there but I didn't think that they would care. Even people that I don't even like want to be there for me.
I get emails, text, messages and even letters in the mail every day. I never have to feel alone. That is a great feeling. My friend offered me yesterday to sell 2 of his antique painting to help me pay bills, I'm just speechless. So I sit here and wonder, what have I done to impact their life that much? I can't figure it out but I guess I have been a good person and a great friend. That is a very good feeling, to know that you are appreciated and loved. It makes me feel special.
Love is the toughest one. I don't even know how to put this one into words.
I lost a person I once loved very much.
Sometimes I wonder if this is god's way to show me that my heart was at the wrong place. That he wanted me to know that he had something better planed for me. People are like sheep, sometimes we get lost. I was lost but this helped me find my way back. And I'm finally released and ready to let go of the past.
So if you have cancer and you are reading this, don't be scared. Wipe away your tears and look forward to all those things you will experience.  I've read so many cancer stories and every single person says, cancer made me to what I am today. Many things will change and there is so much more I have to go through but I can sure say one thing: "I'm not scared anymore" bring it on!
If I could turn back time and I had the option to go the same way or the cancer free way, I would do it all over again.

I'm starting chemo therapy in about 8-10 days. I'm not looking forward to that.
By the way I found a great church that's right by my house. I loved their service and the people were very nice to me. A friend of mine took me there and I'm so glad he did.

I'm feeling much better health wise. I still have days where I have to take it slow and my body can't perform the same it used to. Especially at night. I need to get full 8 hours of sleep or otherwise I'm exhausted the next day. I'm still taking pain medication every day but not as many anymore. The pain under my arm bothers me the most. It stings, burns and feels very irritated. The port doesn't hurt as much anymore and I'm getting used to it. I know it freaks people out when they see it and I kind of enjoy it, haha.

I'm spending as much time with my daughter as possible because I know soon I won't be able to. The church I went to last sunday has a daycare as well. She might be going there for a couple of days while I have chemo therapy. That would be great for her.

I want to take a min to thank everyone again. Grandma Sonja, Trell and family, Sinem, Pedro, Samir, Scott, Lulu, Donnie and family, Brad, Loubens, Hetal, Elene, my mom, my great friends from overseas and so many more...YOU   GIVE ME HOPE and thanks to a very special person who doesn't even know how much love and joy she gives me every day, from the second she opens her beautiful hazel eyes.
I love you Chloe Grace. I LIVE FOR YOU