darkness...

This post will not be encouraging one, so if you have cancer be warned I'm not sure if you want to read this but this is my reality and my journey. 

I am writing my mom couple emails per day, telling her that she is the greatest mom that I could have possibly have. I'm hugging my daughter all day long, trying to give her as much love as I can. Hoping she will remember...I feel like I have to tell everyone how much they mean to me. Even the person that hurt me the most in my life I forgave. 

I'm having a lot of problems with my chemotherapy. I don't even know where to start. Today is the 7th day and I'm in so much pain again that I can barely type. 

I'm having so much bone and muscle pain, I feel like I got hit by a car and broke all my bones. 

My senses don't work right anymore. 

I had swelling in my face, tongue, lips, hands and feet the first couple of days.

Every time I try to get up everything turns black in front of my eyes and I start sweating and my ears start ringing. 

I can't fall asleep at night. 

My lymph node is swollen and is a size of a cherry. It might be infected because it burns like crazy. 

My tumor hurts like never before...

I'm scared to leave the house.

I am still fighting but it's hard. I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I'm fading away...

I'm so scared at night because I'm worried I won't wake up the next morning and my daughter will be alone until somebody comes by...

I feel like it's taking me away.

I don't know how to stop it anymore. I thought my body would respond better to it and it will only get worse.

I think it's time to think about plan B

I'm sure none of you want to hear it but I need to think about what's going to happen to Chloe.

If she was only older, I want her to remember me...

Before I had cancer I would never dream. Now I have all those nightmares. It's always at a dark location and somebody tries to kill me. And nobody ever tries to save me.

I really thought this would be easier. I don't want to give up but I'm standing face to face to cancer.

It would like to tell it to go away but it's just so strong!! 

Only god can save me now!

One of my friends left this comment and I had to post it because it really touched my heart: 

Brad said...

I hope it gets better and easier for you soon. You have inspired me to do some research and talk with others on a subject that I know very little about. The cancer sure has caused you a lot of pain, discomfort, confusion, anxiety, etc, etc….

Here are a few things that cancer cannot do! It cannot invade your soul, it cannot suppress your memories, it cannot kill your friendships, it cannot destroy your peace, it cannot conquer your spirit, it cannot shatter your hope, it cannot cripple your love, it cannot corrode your faith, it cannot steal eternal life and it certainly cannot silence your AMAZING courage.

Please always remember that “Hugs makes Smiles” so hug Chloe, your family and friends as often as you can.