It's 1.30am and I'm not really in the mood to write but I have so many things going trough my head right now that I wanted to put them in writing.
I'm so overwhelmed with everything right now. I feel like I have so many things stuffed in my head that it's about to explode. Appointments. names, medications, locations of different doctors, bills, phone numbers, things that need to be done before monday. I wish I could have somebody do all the thinking for me.
Also all the emotions that I feel right now. I'm scared, sad, wondering what's going to happen to me, wondering when I will be happy again. People ask me if I'm free next weekend to go out...I don't thinks so.
Sadness again. I feel like I'm going to prison for a couple of months.
People ask me what they can do for me...take away my fear? I wish there was a switch for emotions. I hate being sad. I don't like the unknown and I'm not good with changes.
I feel weak and I feel like I'm losing control. What is going to happen to me? Will I be able to handle all this? I know I'm strong and a fighter but Chemotherapy sounds so scary right now it makes me want to cry.
Putting poison in your body? That's insane!
I don't want to think much about it but as it gets closer to monday I can't control my thoughts anymore. It's like they are taking over.
I know what my bosom buddy would say now. She would tell me it's ok to be scared. But I feel like I'm falling and nobody is there to catch me. This is so hard!
People have been telling me throughout the time how strong I am. But that's not true. I feel like I'm 50 pounds right now and anything and anybody could hurt me right now. I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life.
Cancer is so scary. I didn't realize it at first. It doesn't just physically hurt you, it will hurt you mentally too. Right now I'm just thinking about all the people that have to fight cancer also. Young girls, children, older people who's spouse already passed, single mothers, pregnant women. I know they are scared like me. I wish I could take every cancer pain away. Nobody deserves this. Nobody should put their life on hold to fight this. It's not fair. Nobody should suffer like that.
I will find a way out of this. I will fight for my daughter, my mother, all my friends and family and all the people that have cancer as well.
I just can't give up. My voice needs to be heard. I know I will make a change in this city. I know hundreds of people have heard my story and I'm sure many young girls have checked their breast.
I just talked to a doctor yesterday. He saw my port and said I was to young to have breast cancer.
It's time to go to sleep.
Tomorrow I will upload some pictures of me with a wig.
And I also have to tell you about my friends found raiser she started for me.
I know it is scary, but just try and concentrate on Chloe. She is the reason you are fighting this. I know people that chemo did not affect them like that, just know its 6 treatments. You have to stay strong, when your strong mentally your body follows suit. You can do this. Just think after tomorrow, u have only 5 left. Dont think of the stastics think of all the people that have fought it and are still here. You have to believe you will be one of those people. I believe God has a bigger plan for you. You have to attack this cancer with all your might, dont let it beat you. With that attitude you will get through this!!! <3
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