One day before my MRI and biopsy

I'm an emotional wreck right now. I went to church this morning because I thought the only one that can influence this now is god. So I put it all in his hands. I'm trying not to be mad at him and I'm trying to trust him that this all happens for a reason. After I'm done with this I will def appreciate life more and not take it for granted. And neither should you or anyone else. I read somewhere, a proud heart needs to be broken. Maybe that's the mistake we make. We take everything for granted, our life's, our environment, nature, animals and even water. Maybe I'm taking it to far now so I will stop. Have just been thinking about a lot of things lately. I don't want to think about death but I'm not going to be ignorant towards it either. 1 in 4 people die of cancer in America. Those are national statistics. And if you get associated with death in any kind of way then you see the world in a different way.

I'm having a MRI and a lymph node biopsy tomorrow, but I mentioned it already in my last note. I'm very scared. Scared of that big needle in my armpit, scared of the noise it makes, scared of the pain and the bruising. Anybody can tell me a biopsy is painless, I'd rather get another wisdom tooth pulled. It's more the feeling of a needle stabbing you through your body. Might as well stab me with a knife.

The last time I had a biopsy I didn't know I had cancer. Now I'm praying the cancer has not spread.

I don't feel good physically either. I get tired easily and everything turns black for a second every time I've been sitting down for a while and get up.

I really don't want to complain to much. I'm just writing all the details because maybe one day this can be useful information for somebody that has to go through the same thing. Maybe Chloe wants to know what I have been going through when she didn't even know what was going on. Maybe she will forgive me that I couldn't give her as much attention as I would like to.

I was watching videos of cancer patients on Youtube because I wanted to know what it feels like to go through chemotherapy. I can't even find the words to describe what I saw. One girls said, I was sitting in front of the mirror for hours because I couldn't recognize my own face. Another person covered all the mirrors. And I was shocked to see how many young girls had breast cancer. One girl was 15.

All I'm doing right now is distracting myself. Doing things so I don't have to be home alone and think about it. The nights are the worst because I lay there with my thoughts and there is no escape.

I pray to god more than ever before. I can feel him close by like never before. I do trust him. If I get to survive this I want to help others to get through their battle of cancer. If he decides to take me then I think he wants me to be there with him. Whatever he decides to do I trust him.