Monday night

Someone once said, "There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

I have so many appointments every week now. Today I had one at the hospital for genetic testing. That is one of the newest techniques to test genetic disorders. Because I'm so young and I have no family history of cancer they are trying to figure out where it came from. This is very important for my treatment, to know if there is a chance of recurrence and important information to pass on to my family members. They can get tested as well. And if I know that there is a genetic disorder I know what to look out for when Chloe gets older. The test was very simple and for the first time I didn't have to get blood drawn. I had to rinse my mouth with mouthwash twice and spit it in a tube. They sent the tube to the lab. I will get results within a week. They also explained to me how somebody develops a genetic disorder. Do you remember your biology class in high school? I remembered everything I learned about genes and chromosomes. I had a wonderful teacher!

If the test comes back negative than it's considered environmental cancer and there is just not enough research or proof where it comes from and why it happens. Might be cellphones, plastic, microwaves, deodorants, certain food...who knows!

The tumor is starting to hurt very bad. I don't know how I'm suppose to live with it for 5 more months. I'm thankful for the pain meds I have from my surgery on friday but I don't know what I will do when I run out. The program told me today that the hospital made a mistake by billing them for my prescription. They said they don't cover medication only the treatment. The medication was almost 80 dollars the last time. I have to come up with something pretty soon.

They also want me to see a therapist to help me get through this. The reality did slap me in my face! Rent is due in 7 days and none of the charities are responding to our calls. My friend Hetal is helping me to stay on top of them but it's very hard for me because I can't concentrate for very long anymore and my patience is not the best anymore either.

I can't lie, it's scary and I don't wish that on anybody. I keep thinking about it at night. It's a mutation my body created and now it's trying to kill me. I'm thinking about the poor people in third world countries that can't get medical help. They are in so much pain and there is not much hope for them. Whoever tells you cancer doesn't hurt is so wrong. I'm taking Hydrocodon every 6 hours and I can still feel the pain. And I can not describe the pain. It's different than any pain you ever experienced before. It's evil pain...