I knew this was not going to be easy

I can do this, I thought. I have been through so much in my life, this won't break me down. I have a great support system and great friends. My mom is right there, responding to my emails every day. I have great doctors that take good care of me. I trust god...but here is the reality. I'm so scared. I just want to lay in bed and give up. I know I have no choice but to fight because my daughter needs to have a mom. But this is so hard on me. Now I'm thinking every day, why me? What's the purpose of this? Is this a lesson from god to teach me to appreciate life? I have never not appreciated life. I always told my mom from when I was little that I wanted to be 100 years old. I have never been irresponsible with my health, never smoked, don't do drugs and barely drink alcohol. What am I being punished for. I'm freaking out here, my lymph nodes are getting so big I can't even keep my arm straight next to my body! Every time I get up I get dizzy, my heart feels like it's not beating right, I'm losing my hair and my mind. I feel like I have the flu, every single bone in my body hurts. I don't want to take pain medications to numb it. I feel like I have to let my body fight it, that's how I always have been. I don't even take medication for a headache. I can not deal with stress, can't concentrate and my memory is getting really bad. And I'm not delusional. It's not my body reacting to the cancer, it's the cancer that does that to me. You might think I'm crazy but I'm pretty sure there are more cancer patients that feel that way. I've read there is painless cancer, and painful cancer. I guess I'm not one of the lucky ones. I'm getting a cat scan this week and if the doctor tells me it has spread all over my body I would not be surprised at all. I don't feel like talking to people or have anybody around me. I'm too tired to pick up my phone...my friend just text me and he said, can you think of the happiest time of your life? I HONESTLY CAN'T! Like there has never been a good time in my life. I'm going crazy here! I forget peoples name, I can't remember where my appointments are or when was the last time I took my medication. Then I realized one thing...I'm all alone. I'm doing this all on my own. I don't have no husband, no boyfriend, no mother and no father here with me. Not even my best friend is here with me. This is not fair...and I don't understand it. Why did I have to get sick? Not that I wish this on somebody else but why me? I just started to live. I had so many plans now there all don't make sense anymore...