thank you my dear friend

This post is dedicated to a very special person. A person that I have never mentioned before because I didn't know how to put my thankfulness in words. Somebody that cared about my health since the day I found my lump. A person that made funds available and did research to find a place who would accept me without insurance. A person that possibly saved my life. Pedro, thank you for being a great friend. You had so many chances to walk away from me but you decided not to. I call it destiny.
I'm so glad that I have you.
Pedro will put together a fund raiser to help me financially and he also offered to pay my rent. You are an angel and a great friend. I wish everybody in this world had their own Pedro.
He said in return he wants me to be active in programs that help breast cancer patients. I would be more than happy to do that.
Good friends are rare so make sure you keep them close!
Pedro, I know where your house lives! Now he would say: "damn germans"
Thank you!

after my pet scan

So last night I had a little breakdown as you can read. It's called the cancer blues...I've read about it. But I can assure you that I'm better today. I got up, took a shower, put on some make up and even styled my hair. I thought as long as I still have it, I might as well use it! I got high on some Lore tabs, and I was myself agin. Almost.

I was thinking about everything last night. And I came to the conclusion that it could be worse. I still have all my body parts, I can walk and drive, don't need assistance, I can eat by myself and go to the bathroom by myself. There are many people that can't do that. So I need to stop letting this thing control me and my life. I will not be sad anymore and when I'm in pain I will take pain medication. That's what they are for, right?

Every time I see one of my friends I see they look at me different. I see they are worried and I feel so bad. I'm asking myself what have I done so great in their life that they care so much. I can't figure it out. Humans are just interesting to me. I think it's in our nature to care about each other in tough times.

I really want to thank my grandmother Sonja. She has been watching Chloe for many of my appointments and has done so many great things for me. She was the one that found my support group. And just today she bought me things I need for my house, like toothpaste, toilet paper, juice, paper towel. Chloe loves her and I'm so happy she gets to spend time with her "krentma" like she always says.

The pet scan wasn't as bad as the MRI. They injected radioactive fluid called "the tracer" in my vein and I had to sit still in a dark room for about 30 min. The fluid sticks to all fast growing cells, like cancer cells. Then I had to lay down on a table that was moved into the Pet scanner, a doughnut-like shaped machine. The machine took 3D pictures of my entire body. The fluid is suppose to glow up on the pictures. That took about 25 min. The results will be back in 2-3 days.

All the new things we have learned!

Oh by the way, I had 400 visitors in 2 weeks. I really don't know where all the traffic comes from but I wish everybody would leave me some feedback or tell me how they found my blog!

I'm starting to record videos very soon!

I knew this was not going to be easy

I can do this, I thought. I have been through so much in my life, this won't break me down. I have a great support system and great friends. My mom is right there, responding to my emails every day. I have great doctors that take good care of me. I trust god...but here is the reality. I'm so scared. I just want to lay in bed and give up. I know I have no choice but to fight because my daughter needs to have a mom. But this is so hard on me. Now I'm thinking every day, why me? What's the purpose of this? Is this a lesson from god to teach me to appreciate life? I have never not appreciated life. I always told my mom from when I was little that I wanted to be 100 years old. I have never been irresponsible with my health, never smoked, don't do drugs and barely drink alcohol. What am I being punished for. I'm freaking out here, my lymph nodes are getting so big I can't even keep my arm straight next to my body! Every time I get up I get dizzy, my heart feels like it's not beating right, I'm losing my hair and my mind. I feel like I have the flu, every single bone in my body hurts. I don't want to take pain medications to numb it. I feel like I have to let my body fight it, that's how I always have been. I don't even take medication for a headache. I can not deal with stress, can't concentrate and my memory is getting really bad. And I'm not delusional. It's not my body reacting to the cancer, it's the cancer that does that to me. You might think I'm crazy but I'm pretty sure there are more cancer patients that feel that way. I've read there is painless cancer, and painful cancer. I guess I'm not one of the lucky ones. I'm getting a cat scan this week and if the doctor tells me it has spread all over my body I would not be surprised at all. I don't feel like talking to people or have anybody around me. I'm too tired to pick up my phone...my friend just text me and he said, can you think of the happiest time of your life? I HONESTLY CAN'T! Like there has never been a good time in my life. I'm going crazy here! I forget peoples name, I can't remember where my appointments are or when was the last time I took my medication. Then I realized one thing...I'm all alone. I'm doing this all on my own. I don't have no husband, no boyfriend, no mother and no father here with me. Not even my best friend is here with me. This is not fair...and I don't understand it. Why did I have to get sick? Not that I wish this on somebody else but why me? I just started to live. I had so many plans now there all don't make sense anymore...

not a good day

No appointments today but this is one of the worst days in a long time. Bad news all day long. I just can't get any financial assistance. I don't know if I will get in trouble if I talk bad about charities but I don't even care right now. American cancer society is a joke! All they can offer me is free wigs, transportation to treatment centers and some skin care workshops. You must be kidding me? Where do all the donations go that people make? And of course they have support groups. I'm here fighting for my life and my existence, I don't need your stupid wig!!

Then they gave me a patient advocate, just to call me and tell me she has nothing she can help me with because most charities help you one month if you can prove you can support yourself the next month. Never heard of anything like that. Then she tells me to move in with a family member. Ok Lady, how about you get more personal information about me before you give me stupid advice because then you would know I have no family in this country!

United Way, a joke! My friend and I have been trying to talk to somebody for days now but the appointments are always filled and they tell us to call back the next day. Well guess what, rent is due in a week!

The Donna foundation was my favorite. When I first got diagnosed I felt like if I needed help they will be there. Their website just sounds so promising. BS I left a message 3 times and nobody ever called me back.

To me it looks like it's about which people you know and apparently I don't know the right ones. And when they can't come up with any more excuses it's always "why don't you go back to Germany?" uuumm...how about you don't treat me like I don't belong here?? Do you realize I have an american child with a father that lives in America? Does that not give me the right to stay here? Come on, now we are tearing families apart because we are to lazy to help. I did not choose this and trust me I could do without.

So maybe next time you make donations to a charity you might wanna ask yourself who you are really helping.

Yes I am angry!!

I am angry because the hospital sent me the same bill in the mail every freaking day for the entire last week!! Do you think if I didn't respond to you on monday I will on friday? I understand they need to be paid but come on save the paper, save some trees and give me a break!! Who can come up with 880 dollars in this economy?

I'm frustrated because they keep postponing my chemo therapy. The program manager called me and assured me that it's not because I get free care. But what am I suppose to do? Sit around and wait, feeling the tumor getting bigger and bigger every day?

My hair is falling out already, without the chemo and I keep losing more and more weight. I'm not trying to sound depressed or pitiful but if something happens to me or my daughter I will start pointing fingers!

Monday night

Someone once said, "There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

I have so many appointments every week now. Today I had one at the hospital for genetic testing. That is one of the newest techniques to test genetic disorders. Because I'm so young and I have no family history of cancer they are trying to figure out where it came from. This is very important for my treatment, to know if there is a chance of recurrence and important information to pass on to my family members. They can get tested as well. And if I know that there is a genetic disorder I know what to look out for when Chloe gets older. The test was very simple and for the first time I didn't have to get blood drawn. I had to rinse my mouth with mouthwash twice and spit it in a tube. They sent the tube to the lab. I will get results within a week. They also explained to me how somebody develops a genetic disorder. Do you remember your biology class in high school? I remembered everything I learned about genes and chromosomes. I had a wonderful teacher!

If the test comes back negative than it's considered environmental cancer and there is just not enough research or proof where it comes from and why it happens. Might be cellphones, plastic, microwaves, deodorants, certain food...who knows!

The tumor is starting to hurt very bad. I don't know how I'm suppose to live with it for 5 more months. I'm thankful for the pain meds I have from my surgery on friday but I don't know what I will do when I run out. The program told me today that the hospital made a mistake by billing them for my prescription. They said they don't cover medication only the treatment. The medication was almost 80 dollars the last time. I have to come up with something pretty soon.

They also want me to see a therapist to help me get through this. The reality did slap me in my face! Rent is due in 7 days and none of the charities are responding to our calls. My friend Hetal is helping me to stay on top of them but it's very hard for me because I can't concentrate for very long anymore and my patience is not the best anymore either.

I can't lie, it's scary and I don't wish that on anybody. I keep thinking about it at night. It's a mutation my body created and now it's trying to kill me. I'm thinking about the poor people in third world countries that can't get medical help. They are in so much pain and there is not much hope for them. Whoever tells you cancer doesn't hurt is so wrong. I'm taking Hydrocodon every 6 hours and I can still feel the pain. And I can not describe the pain. It's different than any pain you ever experienced before. It's evil pain...

be patient!

I'm having some difficulties with this blog but I'm working on it and I will be updating soon.

I wanted to upload a picture quick to show what keeps me motivated and strong to beat this disease! If you have any kind of cancer and you are reading this, please find a strong support system. Even if you have no friends and family and you feel like you don't have anybody to talk to now it's the time to get out there and ask for help. Even if it's a stranger. I met a very good friend through a support group. She is a breast cancer survivor and my hero. We just met maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago but we instantly clicked and I'm so glad to have her in my life. I can talk to her about anything and call her any time. When it comes to cancer almost everybody stops what they are doing to listen to your story for a while. Don't try to be a hero and try to get through this alone. You will fail!

my new friend Portacath!

I hit 130 views in less than 24 hours, that's impressive. I'm glad people are interested and I hope you guys leave me a feedback so I know how I am doing so far.

I wanted to to tell you more about the port they insert in my chest.

It's called a Port-a-cath and here is a picture of how it looks like.

There is also a picture of me before the surgery. They poked me so many times, it's not even funny, that's why I made a sad face!

The other two pictures are from my chest a day after the surgery. Most people say it's not that bad, but I think it's disgusting. I'm being completely honest and I'm sure not the one that likes to sugarcoat things. It hurts day and night, I can feel the metal, it freaks me out and on top of that it's bruised up now too! But I'm trying to look at it as my life saver. Let me explain why.

The portocath is installed beneath the skin. A catheter connects the port to a vain. Under the skin, the port has a septum through which drugs can be injected and blood samples can be drawn many times, usually with less discomfort for the patient than a more typical "needle stick".Chemotherapy is often toxic, and can damage skin and muscle tissue, and therefore should not be delivered through these tissues. Portacaths provide a solution, delivering drugs quickly and efficiently through the entire body via the circulatory system.

How does it feel like when you have one in your chest? Like you got shot with a gun. But don't worry, they give you pain meds so you don't feel it.

Welcome to my blog!

My friend Samir designed this blog for me so I can make updates, upload pictures and videos. I hope you guys like it and nobody gets offended by the title. That's exactly how I feel right now. All I can say is "holy crap"! And it's getting pretty real now. I went to a preparation class for chemotherapy last week and chemo is no joke! They told me about all the side effects and I'm not looking forward to that. My first appointment will take up to 5 hours. They have to make sure I don't have an allergic reaction. It's almost midnight and I'm very tired but I will post more details on here tomorrow. One more thing, many people thought I had my tumor removed on friday but I didn't. I had a portacath put in. A portacath is suppose to be my new best friend. This device is placed under the skin on my chest. It is connected to the major vain in my chest and it will make Chemotherapy much easier. I will write more about it later.

Don't even know where to start

So as some of you know already my appointment with the doctor did not go well yesterday. He told me the tumor is 8.7 cm now, it did spread into my Lymph nodes and I have to start chemotherapy asap. That will shrink the tumor so the removal will be more successful. I'm getting a port installed in my chest tomorrow. It's surgically put under the skin where a catheter connects the port to a vein. Then I'm ready for chemotherapy. I could write more specifics about the kind of chemo I'm getting but it's not very interesting. Of course there are many many side effects. Hair loss (they told me within 2 weeks) nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, of course loss of weight, fatigue, fever...and many many more! It's just scary. I feel like I'm going to turn into a monster!! I feel ok right now, I'm just very tired and I have all kinds of body aches. My ribs hurt the most.

I can feel how sad the people around me are getting because they realize how serious it is. But I really trust my doctor team and the nurses that are taking care of me. They explain everything very well and are very caring. Baptist is a great hospital and I'm so thankful that they are the ones taking care of me.

I will have a cat scan soon to find out if there is more cancer somewhere else in my body.

I feel so bad for Chloe. I really don't have much time to take her to the park and soon we won't be able to go swimming either. Now would be the perfect time to start daycare of pre school. She has no interaction with other children at all and she is bored out of her mind. Poor thing doesn't even know what's going on.

dirty old cancer!

I didn't want to write a note tonight because I was tired, exhausted and angry. But then I got all those nice messages and phone calls and thought I have to take the time and make an update.

Today was a long day. I did a MRI first. They put dye in my bloodstream to make the cancer cells visible in my body. I could taste and smell the dye. It tasted like plastic. I read about it but didn't think they would ever use that technique on me. Oh well I thought I could't get cancer either...After that I had a mammogram. When they reviewed the images they saw something in my other breast :-( So I had to get two biopsies. One from my lymph node under my left arm and one from the lump in my right breast. Nightmare...that's all I can say! Then another mammogram.

The doctor ordered a CT scan and another test I think. They want to get as much information as possible.

I will start pre chemotherapie. I think that's how they called it. Then the surgery. Chemotherapy and Radiation after. Ugh they told me when I do chemo, let's say on monday. I will be crappy until wednesday. That might go for weeks.

I'm worried about Chloe. I wish she was older and was in pre school or kindergarten already.

I am so so so thankful that I had my friend Sinem with me today. I could not do all this without her.

I apologize to the people I didn't call back today. I'm so exhausted and I'm about to drag myself to bed. I will call back tomorrow, I promise.

The hospital will call me with my results in 2 days. I will meet my oncologist then and discuss my chemotherapy. After that my surgery will be scheduled.

Please stick around, I need your motivation...

One day before my MRI and biopsy

I'm an emotional wreck right now. I went to church this morning because I thought the only one that can influence this now is god. So I put it all in his hands. I'm trying not to be mad at him and I'm trying to trust him that this all happens for a reason. After I'm done with this I will def appreciate life more and not take it for granted. And neither should you or anyone else. I read somewhere, a proud heart needs to be broken. Maybe that's the mistake we make. We take everything for granted, our life's, our environment, nature, animals and even water. Maybe I'm taking it to far now so I will stop. Have just been thinking about a lot of things lately. I don't want to think about death but I'm not going to be ignorant towards it either. 1 in 4 people die of cancer in America. Those are national statistics. And if you get associated with death in any kind of way then you see the world in a different way.

I'm having a MRI and a lymph node biopsy tomorrow, but I mentioned it already in my last note. I'm very scared. Scared of that big needle in my armpit, scared of the noise it makes, scared of the pain and the bruising. Anybody can tell me a biopsy is painless, I'd rather get another wisdom tooth pulled. It's more the feeling of a needle stabbing you through your body. Might as well stab me with a knife.

The last time I had a biopsy I didn't know I had cancer. Now I'm praying the cancer has not spread.

I don't feel good physically either. I get tired easily and everything turns black for a second every time I've been sitting down for a while and get up.

I really don't want to complain to much. I'm just writing all the details because maybe one day this can be useful information for somebody that has to go through the same thing. Maybe Chloe wants to know what I have been going through when she didn't even know what was going on. Maybe she will forgive me that I couldn't give her as much attention as I would like to.

I was watching videos of cancer patients on Youtube because I wanted to know what it feels like to go through chemotherapy. I can't even find the words to describe what I saw. One girls said, I was sitting in front of the mirror for hours because I couldn't recognize my own face. Another person covered all the mirrors. And I was shocked to see how many young girls had breast cancer. One girl was 15.

All I'm doing right now is distracting myself. Doing things so I don't have to be home alone and think about it. The nights are the worst because I lay there with my thoughts and there is no escape.

I pray to god more than ever before. I can feel him close by like never before. I do trust him. If I get to survive this I want to help others to get through their battle of cancer. If he decides to take me then I think he wants me to be there with him. Whatever he decides to do I trust him.

Imagine me

Imagine me

Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I

I imagine me

In a place of no insecurities

And I'm finally happy cause

I imagine me

Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me

Cause they never did deserve me

Can you imagine me?

Saying no to thoughts that try to control me

Remembering all you told me

Lord, can you imagine me?

Over what my mama said

And healed from what my daddy did

And I wanna live and not read that page again

[Chorus:]

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally finally I can...

Imagine me

I admit it was hard to see

You being in love with someone like me

But finally I can...

Imagine me

Being strong

And not letting people break me down

You won't get that joy this time around

Can you imagine me?

In a world (in a world) where nobody has to live afraid

Because of your love fears gone away

Can you imagine me?

[Bridge:]

Letting go of my past

And glad I have another chance

And my heart will dance

'Cause I don't have to read that page again

Kirk Franklin

still waiting...

I'm still waiting for a pathology surgeon to call me...I called the "we care program" a couple of times and left a message but they have not called me back yet :-( I was hoping I would know by today what clinic would take care of me!

But I have good news too. The Donna Hickens foundation called me and gave me great information. They will send a volunteer, a breast cancer survivor, for mental support and to guide me through my treatment. They go with me to Dr. appointments and help me understand what's going to happen. That's just what I need.

Other than that I'm ok. I would say it's an up and down. One day I feel very overwhelmed and tired the other day I feel great and think the Dr made a wrong diagnosis. My phone is ringing 50 times per day. People keep telling me to stay on top of things now because soon I won't be able to. I'm trying my best but it's to much information sometimes. Sometimes I talk to somebody on the phone for 2 min and don't even know who it is on the other line. So many new names, new medical terms and words, so many things I have to take care of.

But I can't complain. Everybody has been great to me. The owner of the beauty pageant we went to yesterday talked to me yesterday and told me she would like to organize a pageant in my name to get donations. That lady has never met me in her life before. Americans are great people, it's the government that makes them look bad.

I'm very tired now. I took Chloe to the pool today because I want her to spend as much time with me as possible. I don't want her to suffer from all this, her little spirit needs to stay happy and healthy and that's all I care about!

The lady from the Hickens foundation told me today I should expect 6 months for the entire process. We can do that. I'm just scared of chemotherapy. I know it's painful, the word sounds painful already!

Hopefully I'll get the phone call tomorrow that I'm waiting for!

Come with me on this rocky road and help me fight!

Because I received so many comments, text and messages from all of you I decided to write a Note every once in a while to keep everybody updated.

So after 250 phone calls we finally found somebody that wants to help me. I don't have insurance and I don't qualify for medicaid because I'm not an US citizen.

I got accepted for the "we care" program at the Department of Health. They are sending my records to the North Florida Surgeons and one of them will take care of me. Hopefully I will hear back from them soon.

I'm really worried. I have not talked to anyone yet that explained the type of cancer I have. And I wish I knew my treatment plan already. I'm starting to feel very exhausted every day and the lump is very tender. My ribs hurt and my shoulder and even my back. I feel dizzy every time I get up to quick. I feel my health fading away but it might just be stress that makes me feel that way.

The worst thing is the tumor itself...I can feel it. Have you ever had a open wound or a bad cut? Do you know that burning pain? That's how it feels! It's scary, especially because it's so close to my heart. It feels like I got stabbed with a knife. And I feel like my body is giving me warning signals. Like it's telling me that there is something wrong. I can't explain that feeling. I can feel it head to toe.

I was always under the impression you can't feel cancer, but that is so wrong. I can feel it and even see it. This is the first time I'm glad I have small breasts. If I was a D size I could probably not see it.

It is painful to lift up my arm or to sleep on my left side. I just want it removed from my body. It feels evil and bad. And maybe it's just in my head but that's how it feels to me.

I don't know what to expect at all. I don't know if I will get really sick. I don't know if I will have to do chemotherapy. I don't know if I will lose my breast or my hair. All I know is I'm not ready to go. I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to see how tall she will get and if her hair is going to stay curly. I want to know if her gap is staying as big as it is now. I want to take her to germany to see my mom who never saw her before. I want to be a teacher again. I want to buy an Acura TL. I want to visit my friend Alyssa in Cali...I want to do the Gate River Run next year...

So now I'm just waiting...and praying. And wondering where it came from. I talked to my mom and my dad and both said there is no cancer history in our family. Breast cancer in my age is so rare. Why did I get it if there is not even a history of cancer in my family? At first I was angry...angry with god. But now I think it has a purpose. Maybe I'm suppose to be a messenger to all the young girls who do get breast cancer but are miss informed. I want to raise awareness and save life's. I want to be a cancer survivor and help girls go through this rocky road...but let me get better first.

God has a plan for all of us. I'm not angry with him anymore. My mother in law told me "maybe you got in shape a couple of months ago because god wanted you to be healthy and prepared for this" I will never forget that.

Thank you so much for reading. I will keep writing and maybe one day this will save somebodies life.

Tell everybody about it! You can get breast cancer in your 20's!!!

Please read this and be aware!

First of please excuse my grammar, I'm just brain storming right now and don't care much about it right now. Second, I am not trying to get any pity, attention or anybodies negative comments about this note. I've seen people having over 2000 FB friends. I only have 100 and half of it are night clubs or restaurants. I only have people on here that I'm friends with. I want to raise awareness and this is not a joke, so please read carefully! About 2 months ago I found a lump in my breast. I didn't think anything of it and thought it might have something to do with my menstrual cycle and I would go away eventually. My best friend kept stressing about it and kept telling me to go to the doctor. I don't have health insurance and didn't want to waste any money for them to tell me it's just breast tissue or a cyst that would go away on it's own. But it kept growing and about 2 or 3 weeks after I found it, it started to hurt and got really hard. I asked for people's opinion and everybody told me it has to be a cyst or fibrocystic breast disease. EVERYBODY including doctors told me NOT to worry to much about it because I'm too young to have breast cancer. I didn't believe it either. I still wanted to see a doctor just to make sure whatever is in there doesn't get to big because I was scared I had to get surgery. I never had any kind of surgery before. I have never been to a hospital other when my daughter was born. I went to an imaging place where they did an ultrasound of my breast. They couldn't see to much and could only tell me that there were 3 lumps connected to 1. The doctor told me to get a biopsy but told me not to worry to much it could still be just breast tissue, calcium buildup or just an infection. So I went further and had a biopsy done at the St. Vincent's breast center. They also did a mammogram. I got the results back yesterday. I'm 26 and I have breast cancer.

I'm asking everybody to forward this to as many people as you can. Male, female, old and young people. I want everybody to know that it is not impossible to have breast cancer at my age. And I just turned 26 a couple of months ago. Another reason why I'm trying to raise awareness; I work at a bar and when I told the girls that work with me about my lump 4 or 5 girls told me they have a lump too. Some of them had it for years, they have different shapes, different sizes and all of those girls can't go to the doctor because they don't have insurance. How sad is that? Girls if you think there is something that just doesn't feel right, just try to find help. And please tell all your friends and family about it. About 39,840 women in the U.S. were expected to die in 2010 from breast cancer!For women in the U.S., breast cancer death rates are higher than those for any other cancer, besides lung cancer. As sooner as you get help as better are your survival chances! And I don't want to scare anybody, there are many different things that can be found in a women's breast that's not dangerous but breast cancer at a young age is possible!!! Thank you for reading!