Monday, August 8, 2011
I am so thrilled
2000 visitors...I can't believe my eyes!! That is awesome! I wish you guys would leave more feedback so I would know where all that traffic is coming from. Don't be shy!
I have bad and good news.
The bad news first.
I went to the ER last night. I wasn't feeling good for about 2 days, had a little fever, was very tired and nauseous. So yesterday I started having chest pain. Because the tumor is so close to my chest I didn't pay attention to it until I was in the shower. It felt like somebody was squeezing my heart. I thought I was having a heart attack. I had trouble breathing and was just in so much pain. I really don't like to go to the ER because of the surprise bill you get afterwards but I was home alone with my daughter and I thought if I pass out nobody might even notice until the next day. I didn't want anything to happen to my baby so I called my mother in law. She came and took me to the hospital.
When I got there I completely lost my mind. I couldn't remember things. They asked me at what hospital they put my port in and I just couldn't remember. They asked me which medication I was taking and I was thinking so hard but I just didn't know. I thought I was going to forget my name. It was so scary.
So I called my bosom buddy and asked her if that's normal. She said it's probably anxiety from all the stress I'm having right now. It was after 10 and she still came to see me at the hospital.
They did a CT scan to make sure I didn't have a blood clot but everything was fine.
They gave me some pain medication to relax and that's when 2 of my other friends arrived. Oh boy, was I in trouble with my girlfriend. She tells me every day I have to take it easy and not let anything stress me out. I felt like I was talking to my mom. But it felt good. I love her so much because I know she only does it because she cares so much about me. She tells me to wear socks in 100 degree Florida weather too! I got released the same night and stayed at my friends house.
I was very sad last night and just didn't understand why all that bad stuff is happening to me...
I thought god had left me or maybe there was no god?
Let me tell you something. Don't ever doubt the Lord! He is here and he did not forget about you!
Even though he might not make things happen when you want it and how you want it doesn't mean he is not there.
I had my own little miracle happen today. I was waiting for my green card for over 6 months. It was in the mail today. For the people who don't know me it probably doesn't seem like a big deal and this is not the right place to tell that story but trust me that was god's work.
Just the way it was laying in my mailbox. Only one letter from immigration where I get bills from hospitals every day. I even mentioned that in a previous post. He wanted me to know that he is looking out for me. And I will never question him again.
This makes so many things easier for me.
So I'm going to celebrate with my friends this week and have a welcome to america party! I have to keep myself busy until my chemo starts.
I promise I will relax more and not stress anymore. Just like my friend said, I'm the princess now!
Thanks for reading my blog and thank you for all the support!
Thank you Michelle and Melissa for the gift cards. Thanks to the anonymous person who sent me money in the mail with no name on the card :( I really wish I knew who it was.
Thanks to Brad for donating the paintings. Thanks to Pedro for helping me with rent and being a punching bag. Thanks to Sinem for being my best friend. Thanks to Svetlana for your great cooking, all the food, diapers, coffee, croatian tea, clothes for Chloe...omg she brought me so much stuff!!
Thanks to Samir for managing this site, I still think he is messing with the numbers even though he promised he didn't. Thanks to grandma Sonja and Fam Edwards for the best support a family in law could offer. Thanks to Scott for being here when I feel like a dragon. Thanks to Riyan and Elene for the support. Thanks to my mom for the daily love you emails. Thank you Chloe for saying "what's wrong mommy" every time I don't feel good. I really hope I didn't forget anybody. You guys give me hope!
I have bad and good news.
The bad news first.
I went to the ER last night. I wasn't feeling good for about 2 days, had a little fever, was very tired and nauseous. So yesterday I started having chest pain. Because the tumor is so close to my chest I didn't pay attention to it until I was in the shower. It felt like somebody was squeezing my heart. I thought I was having a heart attack. I had trouble breathing and was just in so much pain. I really don't like to go to the ER because of the surprise bill you get afterwards but I was home alone with my daughter and I thought if I pass out nobody might even notice until the next day. I didn't want anything to happen to my baby so I called my mother in law. She came and took me to the hospital.
When I got there I completely lost my mind. I couldn't remember things. They asked me at what hospital they put my port in and I just couldn't remember. They asked me which medication I was taking and I was thinking so hard but I just didn't know. I thought I was going to forget my name. It was so scary.
So I called my bosom buddy and asked her if that's normal. She said it's probably anxiety from all the stress I'm having right now. It was after 10 and she still came to see me at the hospital.
They did a CT scan to make sure I didn't have a blood clot but everything was fine.
They gave me some pain medication to relax and that's when 2 of my other friends arrived. Oh boy, was I in trouble with my girlfriend. She tells me every day I have to take it easy and not let anything stress me out. I felt like I was talking to my mom. But it felt good. I love her so much because I know she only does it because she cares so much about me. She tells me to wear socks in 100 degree Florida weather too! I got released the same night and stayed at my friends house.
I was very sad last night and just didn't understand why all that bad stuff is happening to me...
I thought god had left me or maybe there was no god?
Let me tell you something. Don't ever doubt the Lord! He is here and he did not forget about you!
Even though he might not make things happen when you want it and how you want it doesn't mean he is not there.
I had my own little miracle happen today. I was waiting for my green card for over 6 months. It was in the mail today. For the people who don't know me it probably doesn't seem like a big deal and this is not the right place to tell that story but trust me that was god's work.
Just the way it was laying in my mailbox. Only one letter from immigration where I get bills from hospitals every day. I even mentioned that in a previous post. He wanted me to know that he is looking out for me. And I will never question him again.
This makes so many things easier for me.
So I'm going to celebrate with my friends this week and have a welcome to america party! I have to keep myself busy until my chemo starts.
I promise I will relax more and not stress anymore. Just like my friend said, I'm the princess now!
Thanks for reading my blog and thank you for all the support!
Thank you Michelle and Melissa for the gift cards. Thanks to the anonymous person who sent me money in the mail with no name on the card :( I really wish I knew who it was.
Thanks to Brad for donating the paintings. Thanks to Pedro for helping me with rent and being a punching bag. Thanks to Sinem for being my best friend. Thanks to Svetlana for your great cooking, all the food, diapers, coffee, croatian tea, clothes for Chloe...omg she brought me so much stuff!!
Thanks to Samir for managing this site, I still think he is messing with the numbers even though he promised he didn't. Thanks to grandma Sonja and Fam Edwards for the best support a family in law could offer. Thanks to Scott for being here when I feel like a dragon. Thanks to Riyan and Elene for the support. Thanks to my mom for the daily love you emails. Thank you Chloe for saying "what's wrong mommy" every time I don't feel good. I really hope I didn't forget anybody. You guys give me hope!
Friday, August 5, 2011
finally got over it
I finally got over the fact that they couldn't freeze my eggs. Life goes on, right?
It's just that I have the feeling that I will have more children. I always knew I will have 5. Don't ask me why. Just like when the nurse told me I was having a boy the first time I had an ultrasound when I was pregnant. I always knew it was a girl. And just like I always knew her name. I never looked up names or used a name I heard somewhere before or a name from a relative. Today if somebody asks me why I named my child Chloe Grace, I don't have an answer for that. I call it destiny.
I know it's my destiny to have a big family, on one way or another.
Now I'm still a little disappointed I did everything for nothing. Applying at the Lance Armstrong foundation for assistance, driving to the hospital almost every morning at 8, and doing those painful shots. The shots gave me really bad cramps that I still have, but I can at least say I tried.
I finally got a date. August 15th 9am
I think I won't ever forget that date in my life. It's the appointment for my chemotherapy.
Am I scared? No, I'm horrified.
But I'm also glad that we are finally starting with the treatment.
Chemo is not a bad thing, that's what I'm trying to tell myself.
My Bosom buddy explained it to me this way. She said imagine the game pac man in your body.
The Chemo is the pac man going through your entire body eating the little balls, which are the cancer cells. That's a good way to look at it.
The we care program offered me a counselor to help me get through all this and I will take advantage of it as soon as I start the chemo. Right now I'm just tired of all the appointments and just want to enjoy the time where I can be my old self and look like me. I've been going to the pool a lot lately because the doctor told me I won't be able to sit in the sun soon. The chemo makes your skin sensitive and I would get burned really bad. That's why I'm glad that I will be winter soon!
I went to a support group meeting this week and met a couple of great women that have fought breast cancer or that are almost done with their treatment. I started crying when I introduced myself because honestly I was jealous that everybody was further along than me.
But I learned a lot about how different every body reacts to the chemo. There was one lady that was sick almost every day during her chemo and other women that kept going to work, taking care of their kids and so on. And I learned a lot about reconstructive surgery. Did you know you can take belly fat and put it in your breasts? It's the most natural way to do, the skin even connects nerves again so you have a feeling just like a normal breast. And when you lose weight it gets smaller and gain weight it will get bigger too. That's so fascinating to me. They can even shave your skin somehow to form a new nipple.
But there are many other techniques and I'm not worried about it to much right now.
I'm enjoying the time with my daughter right now. She is the best thing in the world. We have a special connection. It's like she can feel that I'm not feeling well. Then she sits on the couch and watches a movie. At night she climbs in my bed and snuggles with me. She didn't do that before. Like she knows something is going on. Bless her heart!
She might go to daycare twice a week soon. I want her to have interaction with other children while I won't be able to take her to public places.
I just want the best for her, I know how much she loves her mommy.
It's just that I have the feeling that I will have more children. I always knew I will have 5. Don't ask me why. Just like when the nurse told me I was having a boy the first time I had an ultrasound when I was pregnant. I always knew it was a girl. And just like I always knew her name. I never looked up names or used a name I heard somewhere before or a name from a relative. Today if somebody asks me why I named my child Chloe Grace, I don't have an answer for that. I call it destiny.
I know it's my destiny to have a big family, on one way or another.
Now I'm still a little disappointed I did everything for nothing. Applying at the Lance Armstrong foundation for assistance, driving to the hospital almost every morning at 8, and doing those painful shots. The shots gave me really bad cramps that I still have, but I can at least say I tried.
I finally got a date. August 15th 9am
I think I won't ever forget that date in my life. It's the appointment for my chemotherapy.
Am I scared? No, I'm horrified.
But I'm also glad that we are finally starting with the treatment.
Chemo is not a bad thing, that's what I'm trying to tell myself.
My Bosom buddy explained it to me this way. She said imagine the game pac man in your body.
The Chemo is the pac man going through your entire body eating the little balls, which are the cancer cells. That's a good way to look at it.
The we care program offered me a counselor to help me get through all this and I will take advantage of it as soon as I start the chemo. Right now I'm just tired of all the appointments and just want to enjoy the time where I can be my old self and look like me. I've been going to the pool a lot lately because the doctor told me I won't be able to sit in the sun soon. The chemo makes your skin sensitive and I would get burned really bad. That's why I'm glad that I will be winter soon!
I went to a support group meeting this week and met a couple of great women that have fought breast cancer or that are almost done with their treatment. I started crying when I introduced myself because honestly I was jealous that everybody was further along than me.
But I learned a lot about how different every body reacts to the chemo. There was one lady that was sick almost every day during her chemo and other women that kept going to work, taking care of their kids and so on. And I learned a lot about reconstructive surgery. Did you know you can take belly fat and put it in your breasts? It's the most natural way to do, the skin even connects nerves again so you have a feeling just like a normal breast. And when you lose weight it gets smaller and gain weight it will get bigger too. That's so fascinating to me. They can even shave your skin somehow to form a new nipple.
But there are many other techniques and I'm not worried about it to much right now.
I'm enjoying the time with my daughter right now. She is the best thing in the world. We have a special connection. It's like she can feel that I'm not feeling well. Then she sits on the couch and watches a movie. At night she climbs in my bed and snuggles with me. She didn't do that before. Like she knows something is going on. Bless her heart!
She might go to daycare twice a week soon. I want her to have interaction with other children while I won't be able to take her to public places.
I just want the best for her, I know how much she loves her mommy.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
slow dance
Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.
(Anonymous)
all there is left is pain...
They won't be able to freeze my eggs...they stopped the treatment today. My estrogen level was going to high and we would need more time. Time that I don't have...I don't know what to say. All those shots I did were for nothing. It was not meant to be. I'm heart broken. All I have left is pain...I might not be able to have any more children...that's the only thought I will have when I start chemotherapy! They gave me the news hours ago and I was suppose to call the oncologist to make an appointment to start the chemo, but I'm just laying here and crying because I can't believe it. This is so not fair!!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
finally some good news!
I'm trying so hard to upload a video on here but it's just not working. At first I thought it might be my slow internet connection but I left my computer on all night and it still didn't upload. My friend is blaming it on Apple, lol He is coming over tomorrow to help me figure this out. I'm also trying to upload it through Youtube, that might work better.
The video was suppose to be before this post but I just couldn't wait and so many people wrote me on Facebook and wanted to know what's going on. As you know I had an important appointment with my oncologist to get all my test results. I was so scared because I just felt like the cancer has spread to all my body parts. Every day I felt a new lump, on my leg, on my head and I always thought it was another tumor. Thankfully my friend Sinem came with me this morning because I was freaking out.
And the doctor said...dam dam dam...there was no other tumor found in my body!!! I was so happy. I felt like he told me I was healed. So I figured that was my biggest fear the whole time. Because what do you do if you have to get more than one surgery? I don't know how I would handle it.
Now the results don't give me a 100% guarantee that there are no cancer cells wandering in my body. There is no test to find that out. But since I'm doing a very aggressive chemotherapy it will hopefully take care of it and I won't have to worry about it anymore. There will always be a fear of it coming back though. That's something people who had cancer have to deal with for the rest of their life.
So me and my friend went out and celebrated. I almost feel cancer free. Everybody was very happy for me. My mom sent me a very long email. She told me how proud she was that I'm so strong and she told me that she wants to try to come to the US somehow to support me. She is even learning english.
This is the first time since a very long time that I have felt like my old happy self. While me and my friend were sitting at Starbucks this afternoon I was thinking...life is great. This happened for a reason. God is giving me a gift. A gift of maturity, a gift of friendship and love. Let me explain what I mean by that. I have learned to see life differently. My friend took me to the dinner theatre. And I was sitting there and thinking, what if the doctor tells me I don't have much longer to live. So I leaned back and enjoyed the moment. I was not thinking about my cancer, or that I have not mopped my kitchen floor, or about bills I have to pay. It was wonderful, I enjoyed the moment and I was happy. Then I thought, why not live like that every day? Stop worrying about all that stuff, your broken car, money, kids, relationships because tomorrow is not guaranteed. You think because I have cancer I have a higher chance of dying? You are wrong, tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone. Think about it! I wish I could give everyone that gift I just got without all of you going through this disease. I wish everyone would understand what I understand today.
Friendship. That's another gift I got. I've met so many great people in such a short time. People that I would have never met if I didn't have cancer. Doctors, nurses, patients, people that have always been there but I didn't think that they would care. Even people that I don't even like want to be there for me.
I get emails, text, messages and even letters in the mail every day. I never have to feel alone. That is a great feeling. My friend offered me yesterday to sell 2 of his antique painting to help me pay bills, I'm just speechless. So I sit here and wonder, what have I done to impact their life that much? I can't figure it out but I guess I have been a good person and a great friend. That is a very good feeling, to know that you are appreciated and loved. It makes me feel special.
Love is the toughest one. I don't even know how to put this one into words.
I lost a person I once loved very much.
Sometimes I wonder if this is god's way to show me that my heart was at the wrong place. That he wanted me to know that he had something better planed for me. People are like sheep, sometimes we get lost. I was lost but this helped me find my way back. And I'm finally released and ready to let go of the past.
So if you have cancer and you are reading this, don't be scared. Wipe away your tears and look forward to all those things you will experience. I've read so many cancer stories and every single person says, cancer made me to what I am today. Many things will change and there is so much more I have to go through but I can sure say one thing: "I'm not scared anymore" bring it on!
If I could turn back time and I had the option to go the same way or the cancer free way, I would do it all over again.
I'm starting chemo therapy in about 8-10 days. I'm not looking forward to that.
By the way I found a great church that's right by my house. I loved their service and the people were very nice to me. A friend of mine took me there and I'm so glad he did.
I'm feeling much better health wise. I still have days where I have to take it slow and my body can't perform the same it used to. Especially at night. I need to get full 8 hours of sleep or otherwise I'm exhausted the next day. I'm still taking pain medication every day but not as many anymore. The pain under my arm bothers me the most. It stings, burns and feels very irritated. The port doesn't hurt as much anymore and I'm getting used to it. I know it freaks people out when they see it and I kind of enjoy it, haha.
I'm spending as much time with my daughter as possible because I know soon I won't be able to. The church I went to last sunday has a daycare as well. She might be going there for a couple of days while I have chemo therapy. That would be great for her.
I want to take a min to thank everyone again. Grandma Sonja, Trell and family, Sinem, Pedro, Samir, Scott, Lulu, Donnie and family, Brad, Loubens, Hetal, Elene, my mom, my great friends from overseas and so many more...YOU GIVE ME HOPE and thanks to a very special person who doesn't even know how much love and joy she gives me every day, from the second she opens her beautiful hazel eyes.
I love you Chloe Grace. I LIVE FOR YOU
The video was suppose to be before this post but I just couldn't wait and so many people wrote me on Facebook and wanted to know what's going on. As you know I had an important appointment with my oncologist to get all my test results. I was so scared because I just felt like the cancer has spread to all my body parts. Every day I felt a new lump, on my leg, on my head and I always thought it was another tumor. Thankfully my friend Sinem came with me this morning because I was freaking out.
And the doctor said...dam dam dam...there was no other tumor found in my body!!! I was so happy. I felt like he told me I was healed. So I figured that was my biggest fear the whole time. Because what do you do if you have to get more than one surgery? I don't know how I would handle it.
Now the results don't give me a 100% guarantee that there are no cancer cells wandering in my body. There is no test to find that out. But since I'm doing a very aggressive chemotherapy it will hopefully take care of it and I won't have to worry about it anymore. There will always be a fear of it coming back though. That's something people who had cancer have to deal with for the rest of their life.
So me and my friend went out and celebrated. I almost feel cancer free. Everybody was very happy for me. My mom sent me a very long email. She told me how proud she was that I'm so strong and she told me that she wants to try to come to the US somehow to support me. She is even learning english.
This is the first time since a very long time that I have felt like my old happy self. While me and my friend were sitting at Starbucks this afternoon I was thinking...life is great. This happened for a reason. God is giving me a gift. A gift of maturity, a gift of friendship and love. Let me explain what I mean by that. I have learned to see life differently. My friend took me to the dinner theatre. And I was sitting there and thinking, what if the doctor tells me I don't have much longer to live. So I leaned back and enjoyed the moment. I was not thinking about my cancer, or that I have not mopped my kitchen floor, or about bills I have to pay. It was wonderful, I enjoyed the moment and I was happy. Then I thought, why not live like that every day? Stop worrying about all that stuff, your broken car, money, kids, relationships because tomorrow is not guaranteed. You think because I have cancer I have a higher chance of dying? You are wrong, tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone. Think about it! I wish I could give everyone that gift I just got without all of you going through this disease. I wish everyone would understand what I understand today.
Friendship. That's another gift I got. I've met so many great people in such a short time. People that I would have never met if I didn't have cancer. Doctors, nurses, patients, people that have always been there but I didn't think that they would care. Even people that I don't even like want to be there for me.
I get emails, text, messages and even letters in the mail every day. I never have to feel alone. That is a great feeling. My friend offered me yesterday to sell 2 of his antique painting to help me pay bills, I'm just speechless. So I sit here and wonder, what have I done to impact their life that much? I can't figure it out but I guess I have been a good person and a great friend. That is a very good feeling, to know that you are appreciated and loved. It makes me feel special.
Love is the toughest one. I don't even know how to put this one into words.
I lost a person I once loved very much.
Sometimes I wonder if this is god's way to show me that my heart was at the wrong place. That he wanted me to know that he had something better planed for me. People are like sheep, sometimes we get lost. I was lost but this helped me find my way back. And I'm finally released and ready to let go of the past.
So if you have cancer and you are reading this, don't be scared. Wipe away your tears and look forward to all those things you will experience. I've read so many cancer stories and every single person says, cancer made me to what I am today. Many things will change and there is so much more I have to go through but I can sure say one thing: "I'm not scared anymore" bring it on!
If I could turn back time and I had the option to go the same way or the cancer free way, I would do it all over again.
I'm starting chemo therapy in about 8-10 days. I'm not looking forward to that.
By the way I found a great church that's right by my house. I loved their service and the people were very nice to me. A friend of mine took me there and I'm so glad he did.
I'm feeling much better health wise. I still have days where I have to take it slow and my body can't perform the same it used to. Especially at night. I need to get full 8 hours of sleep or otherwise I'm exhausted the next day. I'm still taking pain medication every day but not as many anymore. The pain under my arm bothers me the most. It stings, burns and feels very irritated. The port doesn't hurt as much anymore and I'm getting used to it. I know it freaks people out when they see it and I kind of enjoy it, haha.
I'm spending as much time with my daughter as possible because I know soon I won't be able to. The church I went to last sunday has a daycare as well. She might be going there for a couple of days while I have chemo therapy. That would be great for her.
I want to take a min to thank everyone again. Grandma Sonja, Trell and family, Sinem, Pedro, Samir, Scott, Lulu, Donnie and family, Brad, Loubens, Hetal, Elene, my mom, my great friends from overseas and so many more...YOU GIVE ME HOPE and thanks to a very special person who doesn't even know how much love and joy she gives me every day, from the second she opens her beautiful hazel eyes.
I love you Chloe Grace. I LIVE FOR YOU
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