finally got over it

I finally got over the fact that they couldn't freeze my eggs. Life goes on, right?
It's just that I have the feeling that I will have more children. I always knew I will have 5. Don't ask me why. Just like when the nurse told me I was having a boy the first time I had an ultrasound when I was pregnant. I always knew it was a girl. And just like I always knew her name. I never looked up names or used a name I heard somewhere before or a name from a relative. Today if somebody asks me why I named my child Chloe Grace, I don't have an answer for that. I call it destiny.
I know it's my destiny to have a big family, on one way or another.

Now I'm still a little disappointed I did everything for nothing. Applying at the Lance Armstrong foundation for assistance, driving to the hospital almost every morning at 8, and doing those painful shots. The shots gave me really bad cramps that I still have, but I can at least say I tried.

I finally got a date. August 15th 9am
I think I won't ever forget that date in my life. It's the appointment for my chemotherapy.
Am I scared? No, I'm horrified.
But I'm also glad that we are finally starting with the treatment.
Chemo is not a bad thing, that's what I'm trying to tell myself.
My Bosom buddy explained it to me this way. She said imagine the game pac man in your body.
The Chemo is the pac man going through your entire body eating the little balls, which are the cancer cells. That's a good way to look at it.

The we care program offered me a counselor to help me get through all this and I will take advantage of it as soon as I start the chemo. Right now I'm just tired of all the appointments and just want to enjoy the time where I can be my old self and look like me. I've been going to the pool a lot lately because the doctor told me I won't be able to sit in the sun soon. The chemo makes your skin sensitive and I would get burned really bad. That's why I'm glad that I will be winter soon!

I went to a support group meeting this week and met a couple of great women that have fought breast cancer or that are almost done with their treatment. I started crying when I introduced myself because honestly I was jealous that everybody was further along than me.
But I learned a lot about how different every body reacts to the chemo. There was one lady that was sick almost every day during her chemo and other women that kept going to work, taking care of their kids and so on. And I learned a lot about reconstructive surgery. Did you know you can take belly fat and put it in your breasts? It's the most natural way to do, the skin even connects nerves again so you have a feeling just like a normal breast. And when you lose weight it gets smaller and gain weight it will get bigger too. That's so fascinating to me. They can even shave your skin somehow to form a new nipple.
But there are many other techniques and I'm not worried about it to much right now.

I'm enjoying the time with my daughter right now. She is the best thing in the world. We have a special connection. It's like she can feel that I'm not feeling well. Then she sits on the couch and watches a movie. At night she climbs in my bed and snuggles with me. She didn't do that before. Like she knows something is going on. Bless her heart!
She might go to daycare twice a week soon. I want her to have interaction with other children while I won't be able to take her to public places.
I just want the best for her, I know how much she loves her mommy.

slow dance

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.                              

(Anonymous) 

my new friend Portacath!

I hit 130 views in less than 24 hours, that's impressive. I'm glad people are interested and I hope you guys leave me a feedback so I know how I am doing so far.

I wanted to to tell you more about the port they insert in my chest.

It's called a Port-a-cath and here is a picture of how it looks like.

There is also a picture of me before the surgery. They poked me so many times, it's not even funny, that's why I made a sad face!

The other two pictures are from my chest a day after the surgery. Most people say it's not that bad, but I think it's disgusting. I'm being completely honest and I'm sure not the one that likes to sugarcoat things. It hurts day and night, I can feel the metal, it freaks me out and on top of that it's bruised up now too! But I'm trying to look at it as my life saver. Let me explain why.

The portocath is installed beneath the skin. A catheter connects the port to a vain. Under the skin, the port has a septum through which drugs can be injected and blood samples can be drawn many times, usually with less discomfort for the patient than a more typical "needle stick".Chemotherapy is often toxic, and can damage skin and muscle tissue, and therefore should not be delivered through these tissues. Portacaths provide a solution, delivering drugs quickly and efficiently through the entire body via the circulatory system.

How does it feel like when you have one in your chest? Like you got shot with a gun. But don't worry, they give you pain meds so you don't feel it.