finally got over it

I finally got over the fact that they couldn't freeze my eggs. Life goes on, right?
It's just that I have the feeling that I will have more children. I always knew I will have 5. Don't ask me why. Just like when the nurse told me I was having a boy the first time I had an ultrasound when I was pregnant. I always knew it was a girl. And just like I always knew her name. I never looked up names or used a name I heard somewhere before or a name from a relative. Today if somebody asks me why I named my child Chloe Grace, I don't have an answer for that. I call it destiny.
I know it's my destiny to have a big family, on one way or another.

Now I'm still a little disappointed I did everything for nothing. Applying at the Lance Armstrong foundation for assistance, driving to the hospital almost every morning at 8, and doing those painful shots. The shots gave me really bad cramps that I still have, but I can at least say I tried.

I finally got a date. August 15th 9am
I think I won't ever forget that date in my life. It's the appointment for my chemotherapy.
Am I scared? No, I'm horrified.
But I'm also glad that we are finally starting with the treatment.
Chemo is not a bad thing, that's what I'm trying to tell myself.
My Bosom buddy explained it to me this way. She said imagine the game pac man in your body.
The Chemo is the pac man going through your entire body eating the little balls, which are the cancer cells. That's a good way to look at it.

The we care program offered me a counselor to help me get through all this and I will take advantage of it as soon as I start the chemo. Right now I'm just tired of all the appointments and just want to enjoy the time where I can be my old self and look like me. I've been going to the pool a lot lately because the doctor told me I won't be able to sit in the sun soon. The chemo makes your skin sensitive and I would get burned really bad. That's why I'm glad that I will be winter soon!

I went to a support group meeting this week and met a couple of great women that have fought breast cancer or that are almost done with their treatment. I started crying when I introduced myself because honestly I was jealous that everybody was further along than me.
But I learned a lot about how different every body reacts to the chemo. There was one lady that was sick almost every day during her chemo and other women that kept going to work, taking care of their kids and so on. And I learned a lot about reconstructive surgery. Did you know you can take belly fat and put it in your breasts? It's the most natural way to do, the skin even connects nerves again so you have a feeling just like a normal breast. And when you lose weight it gets smaller and gain weight it will get bigger too. That's so fascinating to me. They can even shave your skin somehow to form a new nipple.
But there are many other techniques and I'm not worried about it to much right now.

I'm enjoying the time with my daughter right now. She is the best thing in the world. We have a special connection. It's like she can feel that I'm not feeling well. Then she sits on the couch and watches a movie. At night she climbs in my bed and snuggles with me. She didn't do that before. Like she knows something is going on. Bless her heart!
She might go to daycare twice a week soon. I want her to have interaction with other children while I won't be able to take her to public places.
I just want the best for her, I know how much she loves her mommy.

after my pet scan

So last night I had a little breakdown as you can read. It's called the cancer blues...I've read about it. But I can assure you that I'm better today. I got up, took a shower, put on some make up and even styled my hair. I thought as long as I still have it, I might as well use it! I got high on some Lore tabs, and I was myself agin. Almost.

I was thinking about everything last night. And I came to the conclusion that it could be worse. I still have all my body parts, I can walk and drive, don't need assistance, I can eat by myself and go to the bathroom by myself. There are many people that can't do that. So I need to stop letting this thing control me and my life. I will not be sad anymore and when I'm in pain I will take pain medication. That's what they are for, right?

Every time I see one of my friends I see they look at me different. I see they are worried and I feel so bad. I'm asking myself what have I done so great in their life that they care so much. I can't figure it out. Humans are just interesting to me. I think it's in our nature to care about each other in tough times.

I really want to thank my grandmother Sonja. She has been watching Chloe for many of my appointments and has done so many great things for me. She was the one that found my support group. And just today she bought me things I need for my house, like toothpaste, toilet paper, juice, paper towel. Chloe loves her and I'm so happy she gets to spend time with her "krentma" like she always says.

The pet scan wasn't as bad as the MRI. They injected radioactive fluid called "the tracer" in my vein and I had to sit still in a dark room for about 30 min. The fluid sticks to all fast growing cells, like cancer cells. Then I had to lay down on a table that was moved into the Pet scanner, a doughnut-like shaped machine. The machine took 3D pictures of my entire body. The fluid is suppose to glow up on the pictures. That took about 25 min. The results will be back in 2-3 days.

All the new things we have learned!

Oh by the way, I had 400 visitors in 2 weeks. I really don't know where all the traffic comes from but I wish everybody would leave me some feedback or tell me how they found my blog!

I'm starting to record videos very soon!