Monday, August 29, 2011

the painting...

Today I want to write about my painting on my wall.
It's not just any painting. I don't remember the name of the artist right now, all I know is that it was very expensive. It is a very special painting, I will hold on to it for the rest of my life.
I call it the painting of HOPE, FRIENDSHIP and LOVE.
Every time I walk into my living room and see it, it gives me strength. I don't know what it is about it, maybe the black heavy frame, that makes it look so powerful.
Or maybe it's the story behind it...

Last week was very hard for me. I got very sad and depressed because I realized everyone is going on with their life and I'm standing still. People are making plans to travel, go out, work out and I can't do any of that. The worst thing of all is that I can't work. I'm a runner and I just wanted to run away from all of it.
One night I was at a friends goodbye party. With all the people around me I felt claustrophobic and just wanted to run away. I left the party and started walking. I walked for over 2 hours without a destination. It was in the middle of the night. I was so angry and just couldn't stop. I felt like I could run far enough to be somewhere I could pretend not to have cancer. The pain in my legs made me feel alive. Then I just broke down on a bench and called a friend to take me home.
That was it for me. I was done fighting. I did not want to do any more chemotherapy.
I did not want to go through pain again. I did not want to lose my hair and I did not want to suffer for months just to find out my body is not responding to the treatment.
I didn't care about anything anymore. Chloe has a dad and he could take care of her just like I would do if something would happen to him. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone.
I thought maybe that's just my destiny... stupid me!

The next day I told a couple of close friends that I'm not going to do another treatment. Everyone got very upset with me. I didn't expect that at all. I thought everyone would respect my wish.
Somebody said to me; we sure don't know what it feels to have cancer but do you think it's easy for us to do all those things for you to help you survive. Somebody else said; if you just turn your back on us now it's like you are spitting in our face.
That hit me really hard. That's just what I needed.
I realized that I was very selfish and ignored the fact that every single one of my friends would trade with me if they could.
And I want to apologize. I should never let it build up like that again. I need to find a better way to deal with my anger.
But let me tell you what changed my mind and why I told myself I HAVE TO FIGHT.

My friend Brad came over on sunday with his daughter and grandchild. Brad was the one that donated 2 paintings to me. My friends Loubens bought one of the paintings and let me keep it. He told me I had to put it on my wall and when I'm done with my cancer I could look at it and remember the time I was sick.
I never put it on my wall because it is very heavy and I didn't have the right tools. Brad offered to put it up and I didn't even ask him to. When I was on the wall I fell in love with it right away.
It reminded me on all my friends and family. It reminded me of Chloe and everyone else I have to fight for. It reminded me of my mom and all my friends in germany. It reminded me of my church and my american family. It reminded me of all the things that have been given to me to help me survive.
I won't take it for granted anymore. And the painting will remind me to fight.
Brad didn't have to give me 2 paintings, Loubens didn't have to buy it. All of you who are collecting money for me and buy me groceries, sending me gift cards, money in the mail without a name in the card, flowers. People using their free time to help me pick out a wig, to do a fundraiser. ...I know you do it because you love me. And I won't take it for granted anymore.

This is a learning process for me. I was never sick before. I never had to deal with that many health issues at once before. I'm not perfect and I know all of you know that.
I will try my best to win this fight!
Thanks to everyone for helping me survive!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Status update!


So many people have been asking me for a status update and I have to apologize. 
I have been so unmotivated and sick as well lately, that I just didn't feel like it. On top of that I still have to go to my doctors appointments, take care of Chloe and catch up with all the things I had to do from the week of my first chemo. 
I was so sick, I can't even describe it. I had all the side effects of the chemo and the Neulasta shot you can possible have. One week straight! My oncologist said there is nothing we can do and it will probably  be that way every time I get chemo. 
I would be fine now if I didn't have those infected lumps under my armpit. Always something.
The doctor doesn't know what it is. Could be lymph nodes, ingrowing hair, Cellulitis or just infected skin glands. He prescribed me antibiotics and we just have to watch it. Who knows...
It's very painful and the skin just came off this morning. So now I just have that infected open wound under my armpit. It burns when I put deodorant on and the doctor doesn't recommend shaving. Great.
Of course I got some bad news as well. I have an enlarged lymph node under my right arm, the healthy side. He told me something did show up in the pet scan but it was so small that they didn't worry about it much. Now that it's visible he thinks it might be another tumor. He offered a biopsy to find out if it's cancerous. I denied. It doesn't make a difference to me and some things are better left alone. It wouldn't change anything because I have to finish my Chemotherapy no matter what. 
We will do another pet scan after the chemo and if it's still there we will take care of it. 
And I knew from the beginning there was something on the other side too. That's why I'm choosing to remove both breasts. 

My friend Steffi is visiting from Miami right now. I feel bad because I can't do much. I'm tired a lot and I'm scared to take too long trips. But I know she understands. 
I'm having a hard time returning phone calls, answering emails, writing thank you notes and remembering things in general. Maybe it's to much stress or chemo brain. There is just so much stuff I have to take care of I feel like I need an assistant. I keep forgetting things and it seems like the day doesn't have enough hours. Sometimes I can't even master simple things, like creating a pay pal account. It gets very frustrating. 
Chloe is starting pre school soon, so maybe that will give me more room to organize things. She really is a handful right now. Me and her dad lied to ourselves when we said she won't have terrible two's because she had terrible one's. She is getting very naughty and doesn't listen to me anymore. She throws her little tantrums everywhere we go and has her little fits. Usually she throws herself on the floor and acts like she got hurt. The last time she did that she hit her mouth on my leg and started bleeding like crazy. 
Her favorite word is NO and whatever your question is, that's the answer. Unless you ask her if she wants candy. She thinks she is the boss of everything and if she doesn't get her way, she falls on the ground and screams like she broke her leg. Drama queen! Don't get me started on the sharing. Her second favorite words are, that's MINE!
I know this is typical toddler behavior but it needs to be corrected and this super nanny is just overwhelmed right now. 
AND we are starting potty training next week...

So I'm tired 75% of the time but that's still good enough for me. I can run most of my errands early in the morning and then by the time Chloe takes a nap I run out of energy too. And by 5 pm I'm usually ready for bed but drag myself around until 10. 
I'm jealous of all the people that do chemo and still work. There is just no way in the world I could work all day in my condition. If I didn't have Chloe I think I would sleep for 18 weeks.

I still have my hair which I didn't expect. My wig came in today and I have to pick it up tomorrow. 
The hair on my legs got less but I still have to shave. I'm starting to have sores in my mouth. 

I found out today that they forgot to pull a stitch after they put in my port...great. I always knew it wasn't suppose to be there for that long.  
I'm using Maderma for my scar but I'm asking myself why because they will have to cut it open again eventually. Something is just telling me to keep using it. 

Right now I'm just unmotivated, tired, irritated and bitter because I can't just live my life I had. I wish I could go tanning at the pool with my girlfriend, go for a 5 mile run in my fancy gym I never used, go shopping for new clothes, plan a trip to visit my girlfriend in San Diego, work again so I wouldn't have to worry about how I'm going to pay my bills, fly to New York to renew my passport so I can finally fly to germany so my mom could see her grandchild and I could see my friends daughter who turned one already!!!
This just stinks and I'm so over it! I'm too young to have cancer...

I want to thank everybody for their support. 
I know I'm hard to deal with sometimes and I've been very moody lately. I apologize to every person I have been rude to lately and I apologize if I didn't return your call. Be patient with me and just call me again. 
A special thanks to my church Crossroads and especially to my friend Melissa who are about to move mountains for me. 
Thanks to grandma Sonja who is so caring and helpful. 
Thanks to Chris and Trell for being my wonderful american family and the best grandparents Chloe could possibly have. 
Thanks to my mom who writes me an email every single day, telling me not to give up.
Thanks to Cotey for trying to be a good friend in difficult circumstances. 
Thanks to my little brother for sending my hearts on Facebook all the way from croatia.
Thanks to Annika who sent me an angel all the way from germany by mail.
Thanks to my best friend Tania for being my best friend even though I have been living in a different continent for 5 years already!
Thanks Angelika for being my second mom.
Thanks to Lana for being my american mom. I know I can always count on you and I'm so glad to have you.
Thanks to Scott for helping me out with errands every day and for cleaning my car the other day. Well and so much more, but you already know. 
A special thank you to Loubens. You must have lost your wings because you truly are an angel.
Thanks to Sinem for taking me to my chemo therapy and making me laugh. I love you
Thanks to Pedro for making my life more latin, you know what I mean! And for being a great friend without expecting anything in return. 
Thanks for Elane for being my hero, role model and best mental support I could possibly have.
Thanks to Michele and her special found raiser. We only met once and she decided to dedicate her free time to help me survive. You have a heart made of gold and I will never forget what you are doing for me. 
Thanks to Samir and Alex for being great friends. 
Thanks to Brad for the donation and the daily encouragement. 

I hope I didn't forget anyone...
I just had to say thank you. 
Also thanks everyone for reading my blog. I never thought I would have thousands of views. 
I've been told that I touched many hearts. I don't want anybody to feel bad for me. 
All I want is awareness. Tell your friend, neighbor, sister, cousin...
YOU CAN HAVE BREAST CANCER IN YOUR 20's!!!
And if you detect it early enough, you won't have to suffer as much as I do. 

Monday, August 22, 2011

darkness...

This post will not be encouraging one, so if you have cancer be warned I'm not sure if you want to read this but this is my reality and my journey. 
I am writing my mom couple emails per day, telling her that she is the greatest mom that I could have possibly have. I'm hugging my daughter all day long, trying to give her as much love as I can. Hoping she will remember...I feel like I have to tell everyone how much they mean to me. Even the person that hurt me the most in my life I forgave. 

I'm having a lot of problems with my chemotherapy. I don't even know where to start. Today is the 7th day and I'm in so much pain again that I can barely type. 
I'm having so much bone and muscle pain, I feel like I got hit by a car and broke all my bones. 
My senses don't work right anymore. 
I had swelling in my face, tongue, lips, hands and feet the first couple of days.
Every time I try to get up everything turns black in front of my eyes and I start sweating and my ears start ringing. 
I can't fall asleep at night. 
My lymph node is swollen and is a size of a cherry. It might be infected because it burns like crazy. 
My tumor hurts like never before...
I'm scared to leave the house.

I am still fighting but it's hard. I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I'm fading away...
I'm so scared at night because I'm worried I won't wake up the next morning and my daughter will be alone until somebody comes by...

I feel like it's taking me away.

I don't know how to stop it anymore. I thought my body would respond better to it and it will only get worse.

I think it's time to think about plan B
I'm sure none of you want to hear it but I need to think about what's going to happen to Chloe.
If she was only older, I want her to remember me...

Before I had cancer I would never dream. Now I have all those nightmares. It's always at a dark location and somebody tries to kill me. And nobody ever tries to save me.

I really thought this would be easier. I don't want to give up but I'm standing face to face to cancer.
It would like to tell it to go away but it's just so strong!! 
Only god can save me now!

One of my friends left this comment and I had to post it because it really touched my heart: 


Brad said...

I hope it gets better and easier for you soon. You have inspired me to do some research and talk with others on a subject that I know very little about. The cancer sure has caused you a lot of pain, discomfort, confusion, anxiety, etc, etc….

Here are a few things that cancer cannot do! It cannot invade your soul, it cannot suppress your memories, it cannot kill your friendships, it cannot destroy your peace, it cannot conquer your spirit, it cannot shatter your hope, it cannot cripple your love, it cannot corrode your faith, it cannot steal eternal life and it certainly cannot silence your AMAZING courage.

Please always remember that “Hugs makes Smiles” so hug Chloe, your family and friends as often as you can.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Chemotherapy

My friend is still working on the video from the day I got my chemotherapy. I didn't want to wait though to make a post about how I feel.
Today is Thursday. My Chemo was on monday. I was fine until tuesday night. I thought, this is not bad and maybe I can go dancing tonight. Even my gf said, I don't think you have cancer.
Until I got my Neulasta shot. I started feeling nauseous, sleepy and dizzy. I went to sleep at 7 that night. 
The morning after was even worse. When I tried to get out of bed everything turned black. My head was spinning and my stomach was cramping. 
I took my nausea medicine and that helped a little bit. 
But there is still the muscle pain, back pain, head ache, every little inch of my body hurts. And I don't feel like myself anymore. I can't think clear and can't concentrate. I don't know how to survive this.
I didn't think it would be that hard honestly. 
Right now I don't even think I could leave the house to go to the store. I won't even make it to the mailbox.
Eating and drinking is so hard. But I know I have to do it. It doesn't taste the same and makes my stomach upset. My mouth feels so swollen but that might be from the steroids I had to take.
My hands feel like leather and it's even hard to type.
I feel like my vision has changed and I can't hear clear.
Last night I went to sleep early again. I didn't want to feel like that anymore. I was dreaming I died...twice. The first time somebody killed me and the second time I froze to death while waiting on a train. 
I woke up a couple of times at night and felt like somebody broke my spine in half. It's a nightmare!!
I really don't know how I'm going to do this 5 more times. Nothing seems to matter anymore. 
It's just too painful. cruel. 
I feel like somebody took my life and all what's left is darkness. When I look into the mirror I don't see myself anymore. And I think about the people that are going through the same thing right now. I don't know who they are but I feel so bad for them. Nobody should have cancer! 
I'm praying that it will get better soon...

Sunday, August 14, 2011

he has a plan for me


Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Breast Cancer - I run for life!

just a little note

It's 1.30am and I'm not really in the mood to write but I have so many things going trough my head right now that I wanted to put them in writing.
I'm so overwhelmed with everything right now. I feel like I have so many things stuffed in my head that it's about to explode. Appointments. names, medications, locations of different doctors, bills, phone numbers, things that need to be done before monday. I wish I could have somebody do all the thinking for me.
Also all the emotions that I feel right now. I'm scared, sad, wondering what's going to happen to me, wondering when I will be happy again. People ask me if I'm free next weekend to go out...I don't thinks so.
Sadness again. I feel like I'm going to prison for a couple of months.
People ask me what they can do for me...take away my fear? I wish there was a switch for emotions. I hate being sad. I don't like the unknown and I'm not good with changes.
I feel weak and I feel like I'm losing control. What is going to happen to me? Will I be able to handle all this? I know I'm strong and a fighter but Chemotherapy sounds so scary right now it makes me want to cry.
Putting poison in your body? That's insane!
I don't want to think much about it but as it gets closer to monday I can't control my thoughts anymore. It's like they are taking over.
I know what my bosom buddy would say now. She would tell me it's ok to be scared. But I feel like I'm falling and nobody is there to catch me. This is so hard!
People have been telling me throughout the time how strong I am. But that's not true. I feel like I'm 50 pounds right now and anything and anybody could hurt me right now. I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life.
Cancer is so scary. I didn't realize it at first. It doesn't just physically hurt you, it will hurt you mentally too. Right now I'm just thinking about all the people that have to fight cancer also. Young girls, children, older people who's spouse already passed, single mothers, pregnant women. I know they are scared like me. I wish I could take every cancer pain away. Nobody deserves this. Nobody should put their life on hold to fight this. It's not fair. Nobody should suffer like that.
I will find a way out of this. I will fight for my daughter, my mother, all my friends and family and all the people that have cancer as well.
I just can't give up. My voice needs to be heard. I know I will make a change in this city. I know hundreds of people have heard my story and I'm sure many young girls have checked their breast.
I just talked to a doctor yesterday. He saw my port and said I was to young to have breast cancer.

It's time to go to sleep.
Tomorrow I will upload some pictures of me with a wig.
And I also have to tell you about my friends found raiser she started for me.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

me being alive and loving life!




I want everybody who watched this video to know that's me with stage 3 cancer!
Always remember, you can not let the cancer control you, give you restrictions on what you can do and what you can't. Yes I was on pain medication that night but so what? That's better than laying in bed and crying about having cancer. Do things that keep your mind busy. You will have bad days too. Sometimes I'm in so much pain that my pain medication doesn't work. And sometimes I'm so tired I can't even think right. Then take it easy and recharge for the days you want to have some fun.
Stress is what kills me the most. I can not handle stress well and that's the reason I landed in the hospital last sunday. That's something I still have to learn. Don't let anybody stress you out. You are the princess now!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

about goals, dreams, wishes and my bucket list

It's so late already but I wanted to share my thoughts with everyone right now.
I went dancing tonight with my friend. I told him I wanted to do something crazy tonight because I was thinking about my chemo and that I might not be able to do much soon. So he took me to Latin night...LOL
I don't think I have ever been to a place where they play latin music only, at least I can't remember.
I loved it. It was great I was just dancing and dancing and dancing all night.
And then I was thinking, this is great I have to come back next week with my girlfriends they will love it.
STOP that's not going to happen. It will be a day after my chemotherapy. Dam it, I was thinking this cancer just has to take away all the fun!!
So my friend recorded a video of me dancing and I looked great. Seriously, I pretended like I knew how to dance Salsa and nobody even noticed that I had no clue!
So this is the plan, I want to learn how to dance to latin music and I want to go back to latin night. As you probably notice there is no time for being sick, laying in bed and crying over lost hair!! And there sure isn't time for dying, not on my watch!
I'm so glad he recorded that video. I will upload it soon. I looked so alive and nobody had a clue I have cancer. That's where I want to be again very soon. I want to be healthy and alive.
So if you read this and you have cancer please make yourself a goal. Plan what you want to do when you get better so you have something to look forward to. Maybe you want to travel, do a marathon, learn how to play the piano, finally learn how to use your computer, take pictures. Don't even think for a second about dying. I highly recommend the book or movie "the Secret". It tells you about the law of attraction. Some of you might have heard of it. If you want something it will come to you. It takes practice and you might have days where you want to give up but you have to have a goal to stay positive.
I was thinking about a Will yesterday and a power of attorney and what would happen to my daughter if something happens to me and all those things are very important, but you have to let the positive thoughts outweigh the negative. Or you will fall into depressions and not even know about it.
Make a bucket list of things you want to do in life. And that's not just for people with cancer or sick people. Everybody should do that. Life is great, please don't take it for granted. You only get this one chance and like I said before, tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone.
I was very healthy 3 months ago, just lost some weight and was taking good care of myself. No family history of cancer...this can happen to you too, do you realize that?
People who know me are probably wondering why I'm getting so spiritual all of a sudden. I was always very religious, that's how I have been raised but didn't have a good relationship with god. Now I feel closer to him then ever. Don't ask me why. I can feel him right next to me all the time. Last night I was even dreaming of him. I know this might sound totally insane but it's true. He had dark hair and a dark beard. I couldn't believe that I was able to see him. I always imagined an old man with grey hair and a grey beard. But he looked so strong and powerful. I was kind of scared of him but my heart was so warm because I felt the love for him. He was not smiling and he was worried about something. And he said, don't worry child. I didn't want to go back because I knew I was safe with him, but he sent me back. I woke up and saw my daughter.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming that I saw god. I know it was just a dream.
I read that sick people have that kind of near death experience. I never believed in it and I could never imagine it would happen to me.
I'm not ready to leave yet, not until I learned every single latin dance there is...would you like to dance with me?

Monday, August 8, 2011

Look what my friend Nate made for me!


Loving this picture! Just like I said before, I have the best friends in the world. Everybody tries to be a part of my journey and wants to show me love. I'm pretty sure we can use that picture for my charity event or something like that. Maybe print it on shirts and sell it to get donations?
Very cool! Thanks cousin Nate!

update: I just read what he wrote under the picture that he uploaded on Facebook

My homegirl Dani help us support her with the struggle against breast cancer. If u will post as your profile pic to show your love. We all care about u stay strong. Dani we love u. Your are not alone we are holding your hand as u go through this.


This is going to be interesting!!! 

Pink Glove Dance

I am so thrilled

2000 visitors...I can't believe my eyes!! That is awesome! I wish you guys would leave more feedback so I would know where all that traffic is coming from. Don't be shy!

I have bad and good news.
The bad news first.

I went to the ER last night. I wasn't feeling good for about 2 days, had a little fever, was very tired and nauseous. So yesterday I started having chest pain. Because the tumor is so close to my chest I didn't pay attention to it until I was in the shower. It felt like somebody was squeezing my heart. I thought I was having a heart attack. I had trouble breathing and was just in so much pain. I really don't like to go to the ER because of the surprise bill you get afterwards but I was home alone with my daughter and I thought if I pass out nobody might even notice until the next day. I didn't want anything to happen to my baby so I called my mother in law. She came and took me to the hospital.
When I got there I completely lost my mind. I couldn't remember things. They asked me at what hospital they put my port in and I just couldn't remember. They asked me which medication I was taking and I was thinking so hard but I just didn't know. I thought I was going to forget my name. It was so scary.
So I called my bosom buddy and asked her if that's normal. She said it's probably anxiety from all the stress I'm having right now. It was after 10 and she still came to see me at the hospital.
They did a CT scan to make sure I didn't have a blood clot but everything was fine.
They gave me some pain medication to relax and that's when 2 of my other friends arrived.  Oh boy, was I in trouble with my girlfriend. She tells me every day I have to take it easy and not let anything stress me out. I felt like I was talking to my mom. But it felt good. I love her so much because I know she only does it because she cares so much about me. She tells me to wear socks in 100 degree Florida weather too! I got released the same night and stayed at my friends house.
I was very sad last night and just didn't understand why all that bad stuff is happening to me...
I thought god had left me or maybe there was no god?

Let me tell you something. Don't ever doubt the Lord! He is here and he did not forget about you!
Even though he might not make things happen when you want it and how you want it doesn't mean he is not there.

I had my own little miracle happen today. I was waiting for my green card for over 6 months. It was in the mail today. For the people who don't know me it probably doesn't seem like a big deal and this is not the right place to tell that story but trust me that was god's work.
Just the way it was laying in my mailbox. Only one letter from immigration where I get bills from hospitals every day. I even mentioned that in a previous post. He wanted me to know that he is looking out for me. And I will never question him again.
This makes so many things easier for me.

So I'm going to celebrate with my friends this week and have a welcome to america party! I have to keep myself busy until my chemo starts.
I promise I will relax more and not stress anymore. Just like my friend said, I'm the princess now!

Thanks for reading my blog and thank you for all the support!

Thank you Michelle and Melissa for the gift cards. Thanks to the anonymous person who sent me money in the mail with no name on the card :( I really wish I knew who it was.
Thanks to Brad for donating the paintings. Thanks to Pedro for helping me with rent and being a punching bag. Thanks to Sinem for being my best friend. Thanks to Svetlana for your great cooking, all the food, diapers, coffee, croatian tea, clothes for Chloe...omg she brought me so much stuff!!
Thanks to Samir for managing this site, I still think he is messing with the numbers even though he promised he didn't. Thanks to grandma Sonja and Fam Edwards for the best support a family in law could offer. Thanks to Scott for being here when I feel like a dragon. Thanks to Riyan and Elene for the support. Thanks to my mom for the daily love you emails. Thank you Chloe for saying "what's wrong mommy" every time I don't feel good. I really hope I didn't forget anybody. You guys give me hope!

Friday, August 5, 2011

finally got over it

I finally got over the fact that they couldn't freeze my eggs. Life goes on, right?
It's just that I have the feeling that I will have more children. I always knew I will have 5. Don't ask me why. Just like when the nurse told me I was having a boy the first time I had an ultrasound when I was pregnant. I always knew it was a girl. And just like I always knew her name. I never looked up names or used a name I heard somewhere before or a name from a relative. Today if somebody asks me why I named my child Chloe Grace, I don't have an answer for that. I call it destiny.
I know it's my destiny to have a big family, on one way or another.

Now I'm still a little disappointed I did everything for nothing. Applying at the Lance Armstrong foundation for assistance, driving to the hospital almost every morning at 8, and doing those painful shots. The shots gave me really bad cramps that I still have, but I can at least say I tried.

I finally got a date. August 15th 9am
I think I won't ever forget that date in my life. It's the appointment for my chemotherapy.
Am I scared? No, I'm horrified.
But I'm also glad that we are finally starting with the treatment.
Chemo is not a bad thing, that's what I'm trying to tell myself.
My Bosom buddy explained it to me this way. She said imagine the game pac man in your body.
The Chemo is the pac man going through your entire body eating the little balls, which are the cancer cells. That's a good way to look at it.

The we care program offered me a counselor to help me get through all this and I will take advantage of it as soon as I start the chemo. Right now I'm just tired of all the appointments and just want to enjoy the time where I can be my old self and look like me. I've been going to the pool a lot lately because the doctor told me I won't be able to sit in the sun soon. The chemo makes your skin sensitive and I would get burned really bad. That's why I'm glad that I will be winter soon!

I went to a support group meeting this week and met a couple of great women that have fought breast cancer or that are almost done with their treatment. I started crying when I introduced myself because honestly I was jealous that everybody was further along than me.
But I learned a lot about how different every body reacts to the chemo. There was one lady that was sick almost every day during her chemo and other women that kept going to work, taking care of their kids and so on. And I learned a lot about reconstructive surgery. Did you know you can take belly fat and put it in your breasts? It's the most natural way to do, the skin even connects nerves again so you have a feeling just like a normal breast. And when you lose weight it gets smaller and gain weight it will get bigger too. That's so fascinating to me. They can even shave your skin somehow to form a new nipple.
But there are many other techniques and I'm not worried about it to much right now.

I'm enjoying the time with my daughter right now. She is the best thing in the world. We have a special connection. It's like she can feel that I'm not feeling well. Then she sits on the couch and watches a movie. At night she climbs in my bed and snuggles with me. She didn't do that before. Like she knows something is going on. Bless her heart!
She might go to daycare twice a week soon. I want her to have interaction with other children while I won't be able to take her to public places.
I just want the best for her, I know how much she loves her mommy.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

slow dance

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.                              

(Anonymous) 

all there is left is pain...

They won't be able to freeze my eggs...they stopped the treatment today. My estrogen level was going to high and we would need more time. Time that I don't have...I don't know what to say. All those shots I did were for nothing. It was not meant to be. I'm heart broken. All I have left is pain...I might not be able to have any more children...that's the only thought I will have when I start chemotherapy! They gave me the news hours ago and I was suppose to call the oncologist to make an appointment to start the chemo, but I'm just laying here and crying because I can't believe it. This is so not fair!!

Monday, August 1, 2011

finally some good news!

I'm trying so hard to upload a video on here but it's just not working. At first I thought it might be my slow internet connection but I left my computer on all night and it still didn't upload. My friend is blaming it on Apple, lol He is coming over tomorrow to help me figure this out. I'm also trying to upload it through Youtube, that might work better.

The video was suppose to be before this post but I just couldn't wait and so many people wrote me on Facebook and wanted to know what's going on. As you know I had an important appointment with my oncologist to get all my test results. I was so scared because I just felt like the cancer has spread to all my body parts. Every day I felt a new lump, on my leg, on my head and I always thought it was another tumor. Thankfully my friend Sinem came with me this morning because I was freaking out.
And the doctor said...dam dam dam...there was no other tumor found in my body!!! I was so happy. I felt like he told me I was healed. So I figured that was my biggest fear the whole time. Because what do you do if you have to get more than one surgery? I don't know how I would handle it.
Now the results don't give me a 100% guarantee that there are no cancer cells wandering in my body. There is no test to find that out. But since I'm doing a very aggressive chemotherapy it will hopefully take care of it and I won't have to worry about it anymore. There will always be a fear of it coming back though. That's something people who had cancer have to deal with for the rest of their life.

So me and my friend went out and celebrated. I almost feel cancer free. Everybody was very happy for me. My mom sent me a very long email. She told me how proud she was that I'm so strong and she told me that she wants to try to come to the US somehow to support me. She is even learning english.

This is the first time since a very long time that I have felt like my old happy self. While me and my friend were sitting at Starbucks this afternoon I was thinking...life is great. This happened for a reason. God is giving me a gift. A gift of maturity, a gift of friendship and love. Let me explain what I mean by that. I have learned to see life differently. My friend took me to the dinner theatre. And I was sitting there and thinking, what if the doctor tells me I don't have much longer to live. So I leaned back and enjoyed the moment. I was not thinking about my cancer, or that I have not mopped my kitchen floor, or about bills I have to pay. It was wonderful, I enjoyed the moment and I was happy. Then I thought, why not live like that every day? Stop worrying about all that stuff, your broken car, money, kids, relationships because tomorrow is not guaranteed. You think because I have cancer I have a higher chance of dying? You are wrong, tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone. Think about it! I wish I could give everyone that gift I just got without all of you going through this disease. I wish everyone would understand what I understand today.
Friendship. That's another gift I got. I've met so many great people in such a short time. People that I would have never met if I didn't have cancer. Doctors, nurses, patients, people that have always been there but I didn't think that they would care. Even people that I don't even like want to be there for me.
I get emails, text, messages and even letters in the mail every day. I never have to feel alone. That is a great feeling. My friend offered me yesterday to sell 2 of his antique painting to help me pay bills, I'm just speechless. So I sit here and wonder, what have I done to impact their life that much? I can't figure it out but I guess I have been a good person and a great friend. That is a very good feeling, to know that you are appreciated and loved. It makes me feel special.
Love is the toughest one. I don't even know how to put this one into words.
I lost a person I once loved very much.
Sometimes I wonder if this is god's way to show me that my heart was at the wrong place. That he wanted me to know that he had something better planed for me. People are like sheep, sometimes we get lost. I was lost but this helped me find my way back. And I'm finally released and ready to let go of the past.
So if you have cancer and you are reading this, don't be scared. Wipe away your tears and look forward to all those things you will experience.  I've read so many cancer stories and every single person says, cancer made me to what I am today. Many things will change and there is so much more I have to go through but I can sure say one thing: "I'm not scared anymore" bring it on!
If I could turn back time and I had the option to go the same way or the cancer free way, I would do it all over again.

I'm starting chemo therapy in about 8-10 days. I'm not looking forward to that.
By the way I found a great church that's right by my house. I loved their service and the people were very nice to me. A friend of mine took me there and I'm so glad he did.

I'm feeling much better health wise. I still have days where I have to take it slow and my body can't perform the same it used to. Especially at night. I need to get full 8 hours of sleep or otherwise I'm exhausted the next day. I'm still taking pain medication every day but not as many anymore. The pain under my arm bothers me the most. It stings, burns and feels very irritated. The port doesn't hurt as much anymore and I'm getting used to it. I know it freaks people out when they see it and I kind of enjoy it, haha.

I'm spending as much time with my daughter as possible because I know soon I won't be able to. The church I went to last sunday has a daycare as well. She might be going there for a couple of days while I have chemo therapy. That would be great for her.

I want to take a min to thank everyone again. Grandma Sonja, Trell and family, Sinem, Pedro, Samir, Scott, Lulu, Donnie and family, Brad, Loubens, Hetal, Elene, my mom, my great friends from overseas and so many more...YOU   GIVE ME HOPE and thanks to a very special person who doesn't even know how much love and joy she gives me every day, from the second she opens her beautiful hazel eyes.
I love you Chloe Grace. I LIVE FOR YOU